Tabloid Headlines We Wish Were Real

Medical miracles are addictive tabloid fodder; who cares if they actually happened. But can you imagine how great a human-animal hybrid like this would be? All of the worst elements of man and chimp combined into one ungainly life form. I love the top part of the headline, too – “World’s religious and medical leaders are outraged!” You can just picture the monocles popping off. But the poor man-chimp just wants love. Can't we give it love? I mean, until it starts throwing feces at us.

Staying with the medical theme, this absurd miracle would usher in an era where our body parts were capable of independent action even when severed from our body. Why stop with just legs? Why not send your head and hand to work to answer the phone while the rest of you goes to the gym? Or send your mouth out to eat a hoagie. Mail your dong across the country to get with your long-distance girlfriend! It’s a whole world of possibilities. Alas, if you cut off your leg you’ll just bleed to death and fall over. 

The tabloid take on history is a particularly awesome one – dead people can’t sue you, after all, so you can write whatever crazy crap you desire. This report insinuates that starlet Marilyn Monroe was perforated by a Dracula and turned into a blood-drinking undead hottie with her sights set on JFK. We salute the brave FBI agents who prevented the creation of the first vampire President. Of course, then Richard Nixon would become the first vampire President, so maybe this wasn’t such a big deal.

The best thing about this Weekly World News headline is that it dates from before Anonymous’s rise to the apex predator role on the Internet. Hackers can do all kinds of nasty crap once they get access to your computer, draining your bank accounts and exposing your darkest secrets to the world, but wouldn’t it be awesome if they could actually blow up your PC as well? Well, not awesome, but you know what we mean. Impressive. And a little scary.