Tabloid Headlines We Wish Were Real

This Weekly World News headline would go a long way towards explaining exactly what was wrong with the former Vice President. Cheney, a soulless corporate automaton, had numerous glitches in his programming and even violated Asimov’s First Law by shooting a human in the face on a hunting trip. And let’s not forget his myriad disappearances from the public eye, possibly for repairs of his servomotors. Thankfully, he has since been deactivated and can no longer plague mankind.

The War on Terror takes literal form in this cover headline, but doesn’t it make sense? Who else could have armed the insurgent forces in the Middle East besides the Prince of Darkness? Satan’s fiery fingers have dipped into all kinds of honeypots in human history, and we’ve had just about enough of it. Big ups to our brave men in uniform who ventured into a spider hole and brought out the Prince of Darkness alive and kicking. Hope you like Guantanamo, Lucifer!

And the flip side of the coin, as Osama Bin Laden was brought to ground by a couple good ol’ boys and their coonhounds. We really had no idea where Bin Laden was hiding after the 9-11 attacks, so it’s feasible that he was hanging out in Hazzard County watching TBS and making excursions to the Pak-N-Pik for grape soda and Hot Pockets. I’ve seen hillbillies with bigger beards than his. Thankfully, the end result was the same in the reality we currently inhabit: one dead Taliban leader.

The tenuous world of animal-human relations is rife for exploration, and this Weekly World News headline pushes it to the limit. But is it really so farfetched? Whole Internet empires have risen and fallen on a single LOLcat, so a tremendously obese feline could certainly enslave a couple dozen geriatrics and transform them into a team of cat servants. Besides, it would give them something to do besides embarrassing us on Facebook.