Scary Santas Spread Holiday Fear

Santa just told him Thomas the Tank Engine is gay.

Okay, that is directly on the swimsuit area. This Santa has to go door to door and tell people he's on a watchlist when he moves into a new neighborhood.

No, you can't dig a corpse up from the mortuary, put a comedy nose on him, and call him Santa Claus. The kids will know. I know you hate your kids, but they'll know.

Another classic "stalking the kid through the window" shot, only this time it's a poor defenseless baby who hasn't even had time to sin. Santa is a cruel predator.

Look at how pissed this Santa is. He doesn't have any time for your "Spidery-Man" bullcrap. It used to be that kids wanted nice, simple wooden toys like sticks and planks. Have you ever tried to put together a Wii from scratch?

Wow, Eugene Levy really will be in anything. Forget seventeen million American Pie sequels - he obviously needs money so bad he's moonlighting as a crotch-fondling mall Santa.

Can you imagine if you had the power of mental telepathy and used it on this perverted St. Nick? He's probably thinking about sex acts that would make R. Kelly blush. Reel it in a bit, dude - there's kids present.

Is it wrong that I think this Santa probably talked in a voice like Ren Hoek from Ren & Stimpy? Think about it.

There is no escape from the all-consuming maw of Santa, little morsel. Stop fighting it and let him swallow you whole like a peeled grape that's been left out in the sun.