Scary Santas Spread Holiday Fear

Puke? Pass out? Pass out into a puddle of puke? This Santa's got options.

Nice one, man. You found the only Santa in the tri-state area with a strict "No Kids" policy.

"Ay, it's me! Santa! I'm just hangin' out down at the Jersey Shore with some of my honeys."

Okay, this looks like the first five minutes of a CSI episode. That kid's going to be in pieces and mailed to his parents by the first commercial break.

There's nothing behind this Santa Claus's empty mask of skin and hair. The arctic ice worms have eaten him and are nestling in his ribcage to conserve heat for the winter.

After looking at a bunch of these pictures, it's making me think that maybe the tradition of perching your children on Santa's lap could use... a little rest. It's not like we use any other holidays to traumatize our kids. Well, except Halloween. And Easter if you're weird and religious. And Thanksgiving if your family's like mine.

What has Santa been up to in the off-season? It looks like he got a little too much sun down in Miami. Or drank a little too many White Russians in the hotel bar. Or has cancer.

This is the last known picture of the DiMonaco Twins, famous children's entertainers of the 1950s. A woman claiming to be Kelly Sue DiMonaco appeared on the Jenny Jones show in 1998 but DNA evidence proved her to be an impostor. The kidnapper has never been found.

Look at his face. He knows he's about to make a terrible, terrible mistake. But he doesn't have the strength to fight it. This is a tragedy of Shakespearean proportions.