Scary Santas Spread Holiday Fear

I love the veiled domestic violence subtext of this photograph - the girl may or may not have two black eyes, but Santa's not telling where she got them.

So this Santa just does not give a rat's ass that this kid is bawling and fleeing for his life. He probably sat him on his lap and whispered "Not only am I not the real Santa Claus, I'm going to kill your mom and steal your Go-Bots on Christmas."

Okay, I have to believe that this guy gives that balloon to all the boys that sit on his lap. You don't want to see what he gives the girls.

So this is probably some kind of weird Easter European cultural tradition, right? Where if you're naughty instead of getting coal in your stocking Santa changes into a feral beast and chews your head off.

I'm not trying to be politically incorrect here, because it's not just because that this Kris Kringle is black that he's on the list. Mostly it's those intense shades - what kind of Santa needs to hide his identity that intensely? I think there's a story here.

This is never a good thing - when St. Nick passes out before Christmas, you can tell that the old man's been hitting the milk and cookies too hard. But note he hasn't released his deathgrip on the baby. That one's as good as dead.

Just to show you that the creepy Santa trend isn't a recent thing, here's a little snapshot from 1918 that shows a possibly-Ukranian Santa with a truly majestic tentacle-beard ready to abduct an unsuspecting young lady.

This is a Santa who has straight up seen too much. Like he went down a chimney and saw Liza Minelli and David Gest having sex. He's got post-traumatic stress syndrome in his stocking.

Okay, tip #1 for dealing with Santa: he's accompanied by elves. Not dwarves. If you are on the lap of a Santa who is accompanied by dwarves, you are probably going to be found in a dumpster tomorrow morning.