Vitals
- Products: Lost
- Franchises: Lost
- Associated Features: Lost HQ
- Genres: Science Fiction & Fantasy
- Network: ABC
- Studio: ABC/Bad Robot
- Associated Luminaries: Carlton Cuse, Damon Lindelof, J.J. Abrams
- Creator: Damon Lindelof, J.J. Abrams
As I looked over my notes from last night's penultimate LOST, I noticed a recurring trend that almost every note ended in "bitch" or "bitches!" At first I thought I might have been watching a little too much of Jesse Pinkman from Breaking Bad, but then it hit me the reason why.
After last weeks's Allison Janney-infested snooze-fest, Damon and Carlton Lindel-Cuse are crankin' it up to elevent with "What They Died For" and turning everyone this side of DHARMA-Ville into stone cold PIMPS.
Smokey completely pwns Richard Alpert without so much as a "how
do you do," Desmond's the man with the plan in the Alterna-Verse, bringin' all
your old favorites together, Ben's dropping more bullets and one-liners on
Charles Widmore than Michael Bay at breakfast, and Jack drinks the Kool-Aid,
stepping up to the plate as the new Island Boss.
Even Jacob's dropping knowledge on all our favorite
candidates, and it turns out that Katie-Kate got herself crossed off the list by
becoming a mother to Aaron.
The candidate's names may very well just be chalk on a wall, but at least we know Jacob would never do anything to separate children from their parents.
WHY DOES NO ONE REMEMBER THIS CHILD
The donkey wheel never stops turning, and with the series
finale in less than a week LOST characters continue to line up at the
grindstone. This week's casualties? The fake Tina Fey took a knife to the throat
for being pointless, Charles Widmore got what he long deserved for robbing any universe
of any iteration of Tania Raymonde, and Ricardus got walloped by smoke all the way
back to Gotham City.
Of course, like Frank Lapidus before him, there's no real
way to be sure of Richard's death unless you actually see the body. Even Jin surivived the explosion at the
freighter, who's to say he didn't grow wings on his feet and make a mad dash
for the surface once Sun wasn't looking?
You have to really believe in these things, people, or at least put your
fingers in your ears screaming.
LA LA LA LA LA LA, I'M NOT LISTENING! LA LA LA LA LA
But the true stone-cold pimp award goes to Desmond, or
rather his alterna-brotha counterpart for playing Jacob to the other-worldly
bunch. All Desmond needs is a fast car
and a swift shot of MacCutcheon's, and he'll be off and flashing people
sideways faster than a speeding smoke pillar.
Desmond managed to beat some sense into gentle Ben (again)
after contemplating running Locke over again (presumably for the hell of it);
all part of his master plan to get thrown in jail with the likes of Sayid, Kate
and Sawyer. A little Mr. Cluck's cash
thrown to one Ana Lucia Cortez, and soon Sayid and Hurley will be off and
running while Desmond totally sneaks a peek at Kate changing in the car on the way
to Jack and Miles' big night at the concert.
You see? It's all...part of the
plan.
But how did Desmond know Batman wouldn't be able to save...
Wait a minute.
But don't feel too bad for Ben, because he's totally gonna bone the French mother of his adopted daughter from another universe, who he originally stole her from in the first place.
And trust me, that concept is so much weirder than it sounds.
