LOST: Down the Golden Rabbit Hole....of Suck

Oh, I see now.  Everything crazy that has ever happened on LOST was because of a light-hole that only Allison Janney can see, and you can put together your very own time machine with a wooden wheel, water, and more of that fabulous light.

Uh...WHAT?!

Han Solo once told Luke Skywalker after his time in carbonite that his eyes were getting much better, that "instead of a big dark blur I see a big light blur."  That's kind of what it felt like to watch LOST's "Across the Sea."  You see, all the pieces are there, we just can't really make any sense of them yet.  It's like an entire universe of stuff that makes absolutely no sense, but is held together by hoakey, vague explanations that only leave you scratching your head further by the end.

But forget all of the gloom and doom of last week, "Across the Sea" ignored all of the main Losties and dove straight into the polar-bear chasin' mythology that is LOST, weaving a tapestry of how Jacob and our resident Smokeface got on each other's bad side.  You see, it's all about how the actual actress Allison Janney washed up on the Island thousands of years ago and became the protector of a crazy glowing orifice that is the source of life, death and all rebirth in the world.  

"I call it...God's Vag-island."

And it was then that the only logical course of action was to kill a shipwrecked woman for giving birth in her cave to the two babies, one of whom would go on to protect the mysterious God-like funhole.  And she would raise them, love them in different ways, continue to address Jacob's brother as "Hey You," but make up for it by leaving him board games in the sand.  

But fear not, for she would love them enough to clobber their mother to death to avoid the boys falling into the hands of the people who lived on the island, who were all inherently evil and corruptible...for some reason.  And don't worry about those boys a wrasslin'.  Allison Janney somehow saw fit to make it so that they can "never hurt each other."

Somehow.

So what does it all mean, spoiler-boy?  Now that we know that the unexplained smoke monster was explained by an unexplained glowing hole, what's to become of our favorite un-drowned candidates back in the present?  Could the revelation of the identities of "Adam and Eve" change the whole game for Jack, Hurley, Katie-Kate and Sawyer?  

Eh.  Probably not, no.

But maybe it'll all make sense after the 32 hour series finale.  Perhaps the glowing hole represents the Island's pockets of electro-magnetism, and Charles Widmore (and whoever's still alive after last week) can offer a much more satisfying and logical explanation for the events of "Across the Sea."  Allison Janney DID say that "every question I answer will simply lead to another question," but given her previous work, I expected her explanation skills to be somewhat more direct.

"It's a cat!  Meow."