The Office spec Modern Family spec Archer spec

An agent said he'd read one if I had one, so I took 5 months and wrote one. He never read it.

Download Aliens Invade Zombieland, the full screenplay, available for the first time ever!

 Aliens Invade Zombieland

Aliens Invade Zombieland

Dozens of alien, zombie, and apocalyptic movies were coming out and I thought "omg - what if aliens invaded but we'd already had a zombie apocalypse?! How hilarious would that be??"

As it turns out, it would be extremely hilarious.

The Zombieland duo meet up with some of the first season cast of The Walking Dead and help'em out. And it's been years, I need to re-read it. Actually, my brother, who I don't think even reads entire text messages all the way through, read this whole script in one sitting. Yeah. Couldn't put it down.

Download Aliens Invade Zombieland, the full screenplay, available for the first time ever!

 Or click on the poster to open the pdf in a new tab.
My Spec Scripts

This is what everyone in Hollywood tells you to do - write spec scripts. The writer of Ace Ventura even asked me "have you written any spec scripts?" He wasn't going to read them, that was his advice. I told him, "no, but I have kissed a man!" (That's a reference from the movie). Anyway, they tell you that, then as soon as you talk to someone, they don't want specs, they want something original. Well, whatever, my spec scripts are better than your real scripts. In my opinion, at least...

TheOffice

The Office

In this spec script, Jim tricks Dwight into a geocaching adventure, and Michael thinks he needs a canine companion after seeing Marley and Me.

Modern Family

Modern Family

I remember there's confusion about which Dunphy daughter won a contest that'll get them on TV - no idea what the other characters do. I'll have to re-read it. UPDATE! started re-reading it: 50x funnier than any episode in the last 5 years.

Archer

Archer

I definitely remember this one; in order to get their insurance coverage, because of her experience as a field medic, Lana is forced to conduct physicals; Archer makes it as awkward as possible, but then finds something serious during the exam.



In most every modern crime-solving drama, the crime-solver has their own unique super-power-esque method of solving crimes. The Mentalist, Bones, Lie to Me, Numb3rs, Body of Proof (medical examiner), Unforgettable (woman has perfect memory recall), and so on. Well, Chad Chaddington, PhD is no different...


The cops pull a man over and are in no mood for any of his lame excuses...


Now, as one of the greatest comedy writers of all-time, I've been known to poke fun at "stuff" from time-to-time. But a category I never mock is that of 'things people have absolutely no control over'. A person's height, their gender, where they were born, a birth defect, the color of their skin - making fun of or having a problem with someone because of something they have absolutely no control over strikes me as unbelievably stupid, and is something I will definitely mock you for.

In this sketch, I'm making fun of the idiots who probably opposed Branch Rickey when he wanted to sign Jackie Robinson. "I don't care if he can help us win baseball games, his skin has a high concentration of melanin! He'll kill us all!!" It's just SO STUPID!