Home is down for scheduled maintenance
by Dlyrius HAPPYKefka-47, HSM Overlord
It sounded like a good idea at the time. Home was offline and we were all bored. The kid seemed nice enough when I met him, so I didn’t think twice about accepting his invite to visit a friend of his. Little did I know I would soon be one of the privileged few deemed worthy of entering the Lair of the Home Troll.
The first thing that hits you is a distinct smell of burning fish wafting down from the dark corners of the dimly lit basement. My only guess is tv dinners are on the menu tonight. Out of the shadows, the sounds of feverish clickity clacks on a keyboard permeate my senses almost as quickly as the aroma of dirty gym clothes Clearasil, and moldy pizza crusts. Suddenly my primal animal senses kicked in and I realized we were not alone.
My eyes hadn’t adjusted yet, so with arms outstretched, I slowly began feeling my way towards some faint maniacal mumblings. Shuffling along, pushing aside what can only be months of accumulated crumpled homework, empty game disc cases, and heaps of endless dirty laundry strewn in every unseen direction. Finally two shapes begin to take form. As I got closer I could finally overhear their conversation. Without lifting his head **** says “Hey ******, wassup?”
“Hey ****, not much, just got home from school.”
I kept very still, I had heard they are attracted by movement, or anything with tatas, and felt it wise to remain as invisible as possible. Not to mention the fact that it is virtually impossible to traverse the lair of a troll without a map.
They sat quietly for a few moments, both staring at a computer screen while the PS3 sat oddly silent. I ventured a peek to see what they were up to, and was horrified to see they were attempting to hack the HSM website. Knowing this was not only illegal, but morally wrong, I mustered up my courage and asked, “Whatcha doin?”
“Nothing,” was the only reply I got, but they proceeded to giggle in that prepubescent male way that just tells you they are up to no good.
As I watched fighting the moral dilemma in my head, they pounded away at the keyboard until they got through. The excitement was palpable. “Bet you didn’t think it could ever happen did ya losers! Muuhahahahahaaa! Yes, that’s right, I OWN YOU!”
“Guess you need to fire your security dude huh?”
I shrunk as far back as I could while still maintaining an eye on the events unfolding on the only source of light in this unholy hell of a bedroom, a flickering computer screen. I watched as they swapped out all the pictures for porn, littered the articles with profanity, and deleted everything they could find. “OMG, ya, see if you can get into Norse’s email!” ****** urged.
Above my head I could hear the faint footsteps and sounds of a normal world. Somewhere Jeopardy was on it’s final round and I feared HSM’s website was too. Did those people upstairs even know what was going on down here? If they did, would they understand the enormity of the work that was being destroyed? Would they even punish the troll for breaking the law? Something told me the answer was not likely.
That’s right. And as of right now, poor Dlyrius is uhm… Well, let’s just say she’s a little tied up right now. Don’t want her messing with our fun, now do we?
Maybe next time, trying to write a report on events as they happen won’t seem like such a good idea, now will it? Didn’t think so.
And for what it’s worth, my hideout does NOT smell like the bottom of some pimply faced, teenage virgin’s gym bag. Nor would I stoop to such sophomoric stunts like adding porn images. I mean, really? Stereotypes aren’t very nice. I thought the mature, literate journalists at HSM knew better than that.
Do you like that? I figured you might. It’s your own picture, after all.
April 1st, 2012 by Dlyrius | 7 comments
Dlyrius, a native Oregonian, has been an internet chat addict since the days of the old BBS services.
HALARIOUS!!!!
LOL!!! Too funny! April Fools!
If everything is okay, knock twice.
HELP ME!!!!! LOL
I honestly can’t stop laughing. This was so so funny! I love the featured picture of that guy fixing his computer, I want that on a T-shirt!
LOL ted, i found it online, should be easy enough to transfer to an iron on and make a shirt
the truly scary thing is.. i could have taken that myself.. I KNOW THOSE PEOPLE hehehehe
“I kept very still, I had heard they are attracted by movements, or anything with tatas..”
Lol!