Talking With Women on Home For the Uninitiated
by Orion_NGC1976, HSM team writer
“I’m a man. I can change. If I have to. I guess.” – Possum Lodge’s Man’s Prayer from Red Green.
Has this ever happened to you? You nervously step up to a woman and say, “Hi” — and she tells you to go away.
It probably has happened to every male at least once. For some it seems that no women will ever talk to you. Well, there are ways that are more successful than others. So, from one guy to another, I will share with you some ideas to help change this.
This is not a guide on how to pick up women, but rather a guide to help you to connect with women, start friendships and hopefully avoid being shot down before you can even get a chance to show who you really are.
First of all: you must realize that female avatars only need to enter an area for a few minutes before someone will come up to them, and it is a constant annoyance for them to respond to every guy that is trying to hit on her. Because of this, many women are already on the defensive, even as they watch you approach.
First impressions do matter. Unfortunately, Sony’s default clothes have become the mark of a Home troll that is only interested in one thing. Dressed as such, your chances of striking up a conversation will be at a disadvantage. There are free clothing items that can be found around Home, and even a small investment into your appearance will make a big difference to set yourself apart from others.
If you had a PSN account before the outage, the Welcome Back package had some very nice clothing items to give your avatar a sharper new look. I had even purchased a few of the items in the package before the outage, such as the tiger print shirt. Some clothing items can be won at places like Midway, and free items can even be found in the stores. Take the time to look for them and acquire them. Investing some time in the looks of your avatar is a good start to putting your best foot forward.
The other thing to do is to invest in a keyboard, or borrow the keyboard from your computer. Any USB keyboard will do and they are fairly inexpensive – under $15 – if you don’t already have one.
There are two things that a keyboard will give you – shorter response times and the tools to speak with proper grammar and spelling. Both of which contribute to making a much richer conversation experience. If the person has to wait a long period of time for you to type out three words that comprises a very cryptic sentence, most people will not only become impatient by the wait time, but also in having to decipher what was being said. At times, I’ve had to literally give up and ask the person what they meant because I had no idea what the person was trying to say in broken English, with abbreviated words due to the fact they were keying on the controller and not a keyboard.
Be Respectful
Before you go out and club her on the head and drag her back to the cave by her hair, stop! Women are not property and should not be treated as such.
The truth is, guys, we do not have exclusive rights to any woman for being the first person to say “Hi” to her and don’t get upset if someone else comes up to her and also starts a conversation. She can hold two conversations at the same time, or it may be someone she knows. She may even tell the newcomer politely that she is busy. Also, ownership does not transfer to another if someone steps in while you are away for a moment. When this happens, if you scream and run away to another available female avatar, it only appears childish and is very rude.
I can hear the thumping on the chest beginning as you prepare to drive the newcomer off. Do not, I repeat – do not – drive away other guys that come up to talk with her. Again, she is not property and she can decide for herself with whom she wishes to have a conversation.
Guys, remember, behind every avatar is a person; a real living, breathing person. They deserve being treated with respect. If you really want to impress a woman and stand out above the others, treat her with the respect that she deserves. This doesn’t mean you need to fawn all over her and agree with every word that comes out of her mouth, er, text bubble.
Don’t have the first thing you say to her be, “You’re hot” or, “Hi, sexy.”
It is just an avatar. By saying that as the first thing, you are only projecting that you are a shallow person that only cares about looks and not the person behind the avatar.
Remember, the person behind the avatar; acknowledge that person. This doesn’t mean that you can’t comment on their avatar’s appearance, just don’t do it in a lewd manner. Say something like, “I like the way you put your outfit together. The colors in the top and skirt blend well together.”
Women do take time to shop for their clothing items and on deciding what items go well together. By making a comment about their appearance in this manner, you are acknowledging the efforts that they take to make their avatar look nice.
I know that for us guys, our first instinct is to go out and kill some large animal and bring it back to show to her, but let’s try to overcome these innate caveman instincts. Do not pose or dance in front of a female avatar and then say, “You like what you see?”
Again it is just an avatar, and it takes no special skill to pose or dance on Home, so it is going to impress no one. It is one thing to use it as comic relief and another to use is to impress like a peacock showing its feathers to attract a female. It is not going to attract her and will only show that you are immature, egotistic and self-centered.
Never do any of the following without first getting to know her: send a PM, send a friend request, or invite to a chat. A mic is not a replacement for a keyboard. Most women find being asked to mic up right off the bat far too intimate of an experience without first knowing the person. Random invites and personal messages only project the impression that you might possibly be a creepy stalker.
Don’t be a close talker, by invading her personal space. Just as in real life, people have a comfort zone around their body and when someone steps into that zone it makes them want to step back away from you; it’s the same with an avatar. Even though it is just an avatar, she doesn’t know you and getting right in her face may be interpreted as intimidating and disrespectful. Stand a comfortable distance away from her when engaging her in conversation.
It should go without having to say it, but do not participate in rude invasions of personal space. This means do not dance on top of her avatar or stick your head in places where it does not belong.
If you treat a woman with respect, most of the time she will treat you with respect, even when she is busy and can’t talk. Don’t take it personally if a woman politely says that she can’t talk now, or asks you to leave because she is busy at the moment. Just politely say that you understand and leave.
Do Not Treat Home Like It Is One Huge Pickup Bar
Women are intelligent and have eyes. Contrary to what you might think, they do know how to move the camera around with the right controller stick. I don’t know how to stress this any stronger: DO NOT RUN FROM FEMALE AVATAR TO FEMALE AVATAR.
Yes, they are watching and can see each of your attempts being shot down. Not only does this look desperate, but it also degrades women down to the point that they are just an item on a list. Treat each woman as a unique individual that has her own special something to offer.
It is also within the abilities of a woman to remember things. Yes, they do remember IDs. Yes, they can see your behavior and how you treat others. You may think that each time you go to an area there is always a new set of people there. That is not always the case whether you recognize the IDs of the occupants or not. Anyone who has raced dolphies at Hudson will know that eventually you will run into the same people quite frequently. Behavior from one day to the next does make a difference. I’ve had women actually initiate conversations with me because they noticed how I spoke to others, when they happened to be near me, and knew that I treated people with respect. Treat everyone – not just women – with respect and consideration.
Engage Them In Interesting and Intelligent Conversation
Many of us guys complain that women shoot us down before we can even get a chance and that they treat woman avatars different from male avatars. To some extent this is true, and that is why appearance and proper grammar is important to separate yourself from the trolls. But many times, it is not who is saying it, but what and how it is being said.
Don’t have your first three exchanges in conversation be: “Where are you from?” “How old are you?” and “Will you add me?”
Even as a male, I have found it very tiresome when someone starts out with these questions to only have them leave after they find out how old I am. Do not ask for personal information like, asking for a pic, cam chat, phone number, or FaceBook. Get to know her a bit first, before asking these personal questions. I should note here that giving out personal information such as phone number and address is a violation of Sony’s TOS.
Women like to talk about themselves and things that are of interest to them. When I say that they like to talk about themselves that doesn’t mean drooling over their avatar. As I mentioned earlier make smart comments about their appearance, not lewd ones. What I do mean is to find something that you can connect with her to start a conversation.
For example, if she is dressed in a game-themed costume or has an ID name that references a game that you enjoy playing, you could make a comment about the game and why you like playing it. I have started many of a conversation with both men and women, by finding a connection with the person’s ID or the name of their dolphy. Deciphering what an ID means is a fun game that I like to play. Sometimes I am right and sometimes I am way off. But it is an icebreaker and people like to talk about why they chose the name that they did.
If someone is near by and they are discussing something that you are interested in, make a comment about that. Don’t interrupt them but politely interject a comment when there is a lull in the conversation. For example you could say something like, “Excuse me, but I couldn’t help overhearing you asking how you get the red horns,” and then you could explain how to get them.
Women not only like intelligent conversation, they like witty conversation too. This doesn’t mean crude bathroom humor, but intelligent, witty humor.
As I was composing this article, it struck me that most of what I was writing about not only applied to Home and women, but also applied to all genders everywhere. Treat people with respect and they will treat you with respect. Have fun conversing on Home with some new tools in your belt.
August 5th, 2011 by Orion_NGC1976 | 21 comments
Father, husband, dolphy racer and sometimes Home world traveler.
Very good article. I think the things you talked about can not only help guys with their Home experiences, but also in their real lives. We all know talking to women can be a bit difficult at first, but if you treat people with respect you’ll almost always get that same respect in return. I think this article deserves an A+!
Very good article. I think if some of the younger guys (or even the ones in their mid 20’s like myself) would use these simple tips they’d see that talking to women and making friends with them on Home and in reality isn’t that hard to do. Just be nice!
I find that the hardest part of talking to females on Home is determining if they are in fact females.I often find it rather funny to see a guy propose marriage within the 1st 5 min. of meeting a “female” only to find out it was indeed a male all along.Just because the avatar is smoking hot doesn’t mean the real person is A.smoking hot B.female or C.the kind of person your looking for in a friendship.As is usually the case a few moments of thinking can prevent alot of embarressment in this situation.Even irl a person’s looks mean little when it comes to the question of whether or not you will enjoy that persons company.On Home an avatar’s looks mean even less.
Anyone who can quote Red Green gets +1 Internets (at least) in my book.
The one thing that I do like about this article is that most of the “how to talk to a woman” articles, both here on HSM and elsewhere have come from women. It’s nice to see a man’s perspective on the topic -- especially one who, you know, actually *has* a real-life woman in his life, in other words, actually knows what he’s talking about.
It’s also amazing how similar the two different perspectives are. Now there really is no excuse for someone to act like a tool in front of a female, not that there ever was in the first place. But when there is both women and men saying nearly the exact same things and they’re still being ignored, the person doing the ignoring is an idiot and needs to go somewhere else to practice his social skills. Kindergarten, perhaps.
“I’m pulling for ya. We’re all in this together.”
That was one reason I wrote the article was that all the articles I saw on the subject were written by women, which is good, but I thought a male weighing in on the subject was needed. If they are ignoring the advice from the women, maybe the advice from a fellow guy will sink in.
I love the Red Green show. “If the women don’t find you handsome, they should at least find you handy.”
Wonderful insights and suggestions Orion, let’s hope some guys reading this take it to heart. As a female in Home it can get very frustrating when you are assailed by every Tom, Dick, and Harry that comes along, or sent pm’s that are either obscene suggestions or just mundane chit chat all the time. I usually just have to tell them my age and they run for the hills, but even then I sometimes get those that either don’t believe me and call me a liar, or act as though my age doesn’t matter, even if I old enough to be their Mom or Grandma. The latter are either extremely desperate to speak with anything that’s remotely female looking, or just playing a game with it I believe. If a person walks up to me be it male or female and actually has something to say, I will listen and converse with them, and sometimes if I see a new person how is wandering around like a lost puppy I will even start a conversation and ask them if they need help. I agree with Granny’s article that Sony should trade out some of the preset words like ” I have no keyboard”, as it is redundant and quite obvious who does and doesn’t own one, and replace it with something like, “What games do you like?” or “What is your favorite place here?” At least in this there is a chance for a conversation. Good read!
*who*
Great article Orion. I have adopted DarthGrannys way of talking to people. She asks if they have anything intelligent to add to our conversation..Or Olivia_All when she reply’s when asked “where are you from?”- Avatar Creation Menu…”how old are you?”-almost 3 in Home years..
If the guys cant talk decent I ignore them.Thats all i have to say.
I think personally this would make for a great ‘How to’ Educational video for use in the Community theater, which can be fun but informative.
I have many friends on home and most of them just happen to be female, I talk to them in the same way i talk to the guys.
I really believe that Sony should create a major overhaul in their Pre typed Chat system (“I don’t have a keyboard”, was that Sonys attempt at humour?) Or at least provide one of their Clip on Wireless keyboards packaged with all new PS3s. It just makes perfect sense.
I have never been involved in making a video, but I would be up to giving it a whirl.
A keyboard bundle with PS3s is a great idea.
agree, agree, agree. i was nodding my head throughout the whole article. a must read for everyone on home, not just guys.
Great article, with some very solid advice. There’s a few things I’d add to it, speaking as someone who counts a fairly even mix of males and females on his Friends list:
1. Leave your hormones in your Harbor Studio. Women don’t just go straight from “Hello” to the bedroom, guys. There’s this stage in between called friendship. Aim for that, and count yourself lucky if it grows into anything more. Women can figure out what you’re looking for about 10 seconds into a conversation. Trust me on this.
2. Get a group of guy friends. It’s easier to make friends with the same gender, because there are fewer complications. (Note that I’m writing this from the “straight” perspective, in keeping with the topic of the article). When a woman sees a male who’s easygoing and engaged with his friends, she’s more likely to be receptive to talking to you. Oh, and make sure the guys are decent guys. Spamming your fam name in the Mall is not attractive.
3. Join a club. Find a group that holds regular events in Home, like Team RHO, the Homelings, the LSU Hurricanes, etc. These clubs have women in them, and you’ve all got something in common. Do keep your intentions in check; if you’re going to join a club, be prepared to do the work that comes with it. Don’t just hang around that one female avatar that you like.
4. Be helpful. When a new game comes out in Home, learn how it works, then hang around the space offering to help others. This is a great way to make friends in general, because people will be drawn to someone who can answer their questions. If you’ve got a high level in Aurora, hang out there and talk about strategy. The more people see you being friendly and helpful, the more likely they are to talk to you. Even the most timid Home users will approach someone who appears kind.
5. Keep her on your Friends List. Even if you don’t have any interest in a relationship, stay friends with people who want to be friends, and take the time to see them once in a while. She may know someone who could become a great friend, or more, but you’ll never find that out if you drop her because some other female started talking to you. It’s also great to be seen chatting with females and males in public spaces. If women see that you’ve got other women around you, they’ll assume that you’re not a creep.
Thanks for the list. All great advice as well. I kind of hinted at it but had inadvertently neglected to clearly state it as you have that you are much more approachable if you have friends around you, especially female, and that you hold intelligent and thoughtful conversations with each other. Again thanks!
RE: HearItWow’s list -- This should be required reading for every male who enters Home.
It’s a nice article. I’m wondering if young people 13-15 or so can learn conversing ability on Home, but that’s a rhetorical question which could apply to adults.
Good article.
Life in general is a work in progress and so is life on Home. I have had teenagers and adults tell me that they use Home as a place where they work on their conversation and social skills that they then take back into the real world.
While it is true Home is not ‘E Harmony’ there is always that possibility that you might meet somebody and that friendship could grow in time into something more.
There are some people that I have met, either on home and other virtual world services that mostly keep their relationships in the virtual world. This may be a new thing for home users, and granted, Home has been branded as a ‘gaming’ platform so it’s intentions are very clear from the offset. But that doesn’t mean relationships can’t form in some way or other, prerhaps staying in the Virtual world to avoid any complications (and also perhaps taking into account ‘distances’ that some people may live and if or wether they are taken in real life.) Or if they are brave enough to make a go of things, spill out into the real world.
Personally Home is a great way for younger users to talk to girls (not so much pick up girls) but at least learn that they are essentially the same as us and this might throw that myth out the window for them. I would imagine it to be a confidence booster and would be an evaluable learning tool for use in later life, at a time when they are naturally ready to date women out in the real world.
This is just some of the fantastic benefits of having a virtual space.
Great read, would love to see an accompanying ‘How To’ video shown in malls and Central Plaza.
Just out of curiosity, how are you qualified to educate other men as to what women think, feel, or desire? What is it that you have that all these other men do not? A long history of successful cyber-conquests perhaps? A harem of groupie avatards hanging on every word of your “sensitive male” con? Or do you just have a vagina? Oh, and thank goodness you’ve finally cracked the code that “Women like to talk about themselves…”. Give yourself another pat on the back for having evolved so far beyond your peers. Honestly, if you’re going to advise others how to treat women as human beings, you might want to rephrase that as “Most people like to talk about themselves…” – far preferable to a statement which managed to be both a sweeping generalization AND exclusive to my gender. Nice. You think you’re so in touch with your feminine side… well you’d never be in touch with mine, hero. All these comments from women praising you for your enlightened viewpoint… smmfh. You should thank every troll, perv, and moron you meet for pushing the standard of excellence to such an pathetically attainable level. By the way, I’m just kidding!… mostly. All things considered, a pretty decent article, but you could still learn a thing or two about the opposite sex. Hee… I slay me.
Excellent work, Orion. I know how many weeks of research and interviewing you put into this project and it paid off. I find it interesting that you have both men and women agreeing with your findings.
Well, I have to say that it’s rather sad that articles like this even need to be written in the first place. That this kind of common sense thinking isn’t on the minds of every man is perplexing to say the least. But then, common sense really isn’t very common at all… is it?
Great job though, and everything in here is the best advice one could give for both virtual life and the real world. Clearly your parents did a fantastic job raising you with a good set of morals and etiquette as mine did. Kudos!
I just read an article on this site by a woman on how to successfully meet/talk with women on HOME, based solely on how you dress. To be honest, I found the article to be offensive to both males and females alike. The author was quick to lump all males into 3 basic categories based on our Avatar’s, and it just went downhill as fast as it could from there. It was complete garbage and did nothing but reinforce my laothing for women who judge men based on what shoes they put on that day and a gold digging attitude worn so proudly by far too many women these days.
Maybe I read it wrong, but I didn’t see where the author stated it was “tongue in cheek” or to be taken with a grain of salt. She simply began to stupidly categorize types of men on HOME by how they dress, and what it says to women here on HOME.
This article is much more realistic and is far better advice on what to say, rather than what to spend your money on to impress a lady and let her know you aren’t a creeper.
Great job! Respect!