The Violin, The Case — And You
By Terra_Cide, HSM guest contributor
Nearly twenty years ago, while still trapped in that circle of Hell known as early adolescence, I discovered the music of one Tori Amos.
Now, this isn’t going to be some fangirlish missive extolling the greatness of her music; there are plenty of other places on the Internet that exist solely for that purpose. So before you roll your eyes with that assumption in mind, don’t worry. This is merely a means to an end.
To continue: as I endured the awkwardness of growing into adulthood, I discovered this woman’s amazing and brutally honest music, and it may very well have saved what little sanity I was born with. That was all it took for me to doggedly follow her music throughout the ups and downs of my life. When her 2005 album, The Beekeeper, came out, I – like the devoted fangirl I am – went out and bought the special limited edition copy, which contained a DVD interview.
One particular segment of the interview leapt out at me and has stuck with me all these years so greatly that I’d like to share it with you:
“…I started to remember something my mother said to me, she told me years ago. We would look in a mirror and she said, ‘This woman that I see that you see, this old woman, wrinkled woman, is a stranger to me.’
“I said, ‘You are the most beautiful woman I know.’
“And she said, ‘That’s- don’t get distracted by what I am telling you… That is a stranger to me. Inside I’m running. Inside my legs can carry me. I don’t have a heart condition. I’m not someone who is in a wheelchair. I am someone who catches the butterflies in my minds eye.’
“… And I began to understand that this case [gestures to her body] is a distraction sometimes and it tricks us because it can start making us believe that we are old of spirit — not just that the violin case is beat up, but you can begin to believe that the violin has no music to play anymore…”
And this brings me to my point. On Home – or anywhere on the internet, really – we have the opportunity to be whom and what ever we want to be in our mind. Most of us (on Home) are content to decorate our digital cases while maintaining our everyday selves on the inside, and largely we interact with fellow users as if they were people we’d meet in the 3-D world. However, there are those who feel compelled to create for themselves not only a different case, but a different violin as well. Now, the reasons for this can vary from person to person, but whatever the reasons are, the results end up the same. No matter what their original intent is, people get hurt on both sides, and get just a little more jaded from the experience.
This is not a new occurrence. The Internet community has been gnashing its teeth and shaking its collective fist since the very earliest days at such antics. It has become so commonplace now that it’s almost expected, and new individuals coming into a community are considered guilty until proven innocent.
I recall in my early years online of one such case. There was a girl who was the admin of a forum I frequented. She was a 19-year-old student from Britain attending Washington State University. She was articulate in her writing, played piano, and gorgeous.
However, only two of these things turned out to be true.
About nine months later, her story started to unravel. First, it was her reluctance to join a friendly webcam chat (in spite of the fact she had talked to several of the people in that chat on the phone). Then another member of the forum who was an avid anglophile started noting holes in the girl’s knowledge of her home country.
The end result was that she was, in fact, a girl (unlike what we’re used to seeing on Home), just a very insecure one. She was 16, not 19, born and raised in the state of Washington, (obviously) not attending university. She never learned piano, and unlike the pictures of “herself” which she had posted on her profile, she had acne and was a bit overweight. Even after she had come clean to everyone, the people who had considered her as a close friend felt betrayed. She left her position as admin, the tight knit community that the forum had become started to come unraveled, and eventually, it became no more.
Such is the merciless justice of the interwebs.
Would things have been different had she been honest with us all to begin with? I’d like to think so, for it was the things she wrote, not what she looked like, that made us all like associating with her in the first place. People tend to get caught up in worrying too much about being rejected if others found out “who they really are” when in fact they are actually worrying about the case, not the violin. This is particularly true in Home.
If we weren’t so caught up in the instant-gratification culture we live in, we’d see that it’s worth the time it takes to get to know someone and accept them, warts and all. Relationships are about more than just good looks and the ability to fog a mirror with your nose. My cat is cute and can fog a mirror; doesn’t mean I’d consider dating it.
And just because someone has no interest in you in “that way” doesn’t mean you cut him or her out of your life forever (unless they’re a complete twat, but that’s another story). Doing that is like taking out a shotgun and choosing which foot to shoot yourself in. Both will end in a very big, unnecessary mess.
Home is a wonderful playground to let your imagination roam; I would simply suggest that you never, out of insecurity, abridge or diminish any aspects of your life which you feel are somehow lacking. There just isn’t any need for it.
And for those of you who have fooled yourselves into thinking the violin inside you can’t play anything someone would want to hear: I feel sad for you. I really do. Because I’m pretty sure (and at my age, I’m usually right about these things) you do. Believing in and expressing yourself well can be attractive, and the ones who think otherwise aren’t worth your time anyways. There are six billion people on this planet; not all of them have to be your friend. You are a violin, not the case in which it is housed. Play.
January 29th, 2011 by Terra_Cide | 36 comments
Terra _Cide is the former Community Manager for Lockwood Publishing and Editor Emeritus for HomeStation Magazine.
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2 Thyne own self b true,but 2 keep good friends tell them 2.I dont mean u need 2 tell them your life story but u should b honest about some basic things,first name,if your under 18,your true feelings on w/e topics your conversations r based.Otherwise u dont really know the true person,i dont worry about the inconsequentials,like if a person shaves a few years off their true age,but if im befriending a figment of some1s imagination there really isnt a relationship with the true person inside is there?Its much worse if this person has been expounding the value of true the whole time,and some ppl go 2 any lengths 2 make the illusion last longer.
I would modify that old adage and say, “To thine own self be kind.” We live in a very judgmental world. As a parent -- and a single one at that -- I am all too painfully aware of this fact. It’s acerbated when we are our own worst critics. We start buying into those self-defeating thoughts: “I’m not model attractive”, “I’m too old”, “I’m overweight”, “I’m too geeky to be liked for who I am” and as a result hide who we are because we see them as flaws and believe others will too.
The reality is people will be hurt far less if you show them who you really are, warts and all, than if you create yourself to be someone you’re not.
Really, I think we all need to cut ourselves some slack and be gentler to ourselves, instead of practicing self-flagellation over things we cannot change about us. We may just be kinder to others in return.
Fantastic article. Thank you for taking the time to share this, Terra Cide.
Interesting coincidence, but less than 15 min ago I was in Home chatting with one of my friends from the Asian Home. Earlier in the evening we had been playing Red Dead Redemption with two other friends, and I was explaining to her that the woman I had brought along to play with us was my oldest friend in Home, and that we were the only two survivors of what had originally been a much larger group. We were both saying how difficult it is to hold onto friends in Home, either because people aren’t who they pretend to be, or aren’t as nice as they first appear to be.
It’s the same story with the woman who’s my second oldest friend in Home. Originally she too was once part of a much larger group. But dishonesty and lack of simple courtesy caused so much drama that the group imploded, with people either leaving Home or drifting apart as a consequence.
Sadly the 1st group i was involved in did the same 4 many of the same reasons,this is a very common problem unfortunately.and often what happens is 1 person or a small percentage of the group will figure out the deception and call the fraud 4 what it is,then the group will break into 2or3 parts,the 1s who still believe the fraud,the ones that dont,and sometimes some just walk away 2 rid themselves of the whole mess.In the case of my group if the person in question had been honest from the start im 100% certain that things would have turned out much differently,and happily,4 all concerned but after months of deception all i could say is “depart from me 4 i never knew the true u”.
Thank you. And my I say your story is a very common one in Home. The lifespan of the friendships made on Home are equivalent to that of a mayfly’s. I’m lucky enough to say I have a few Home friends whom I’ve known for going on two years now. That’s like a millennium in Home-time.
It’s funny, but this actually has been up on my PSHT blog for a few months now. I can recall the day after I posted it, I got a private chat message from cynella saying essentially, “you know, when Norse reads this, he’s gonna want you to write for (that which shall not be named).”
And well after a bit of turbulence, here we are.
Portraying yourself as someone you are not never ends well, either in Home or in real life. You don’t have to let everyone know every little aspect of your real life existence, but you can accomplish this and still be your “real” self in Home. I have heard many stories since I have been here of people whose lies and total falsehood have ruined groups of friends who really enjoyed each other til the split. It is sad to think that people have to be so deceptive in here.
I wrote a poem when I was in my 20’s that personified my philosophy in life and it still stands for me though I am nearing 60 now. It seems very appropriate for this discussion. It goes like this: “All I have to give you is me, just as I am, just what you see. Making mistakes is part of the scheme, it’s human to fail, human to dream. All you can do is the best that you can, to further yourself and fellow man. Strive to know and always grow, within your mind, within your soul. Yet always be just who you are, in what you do and you’ll go far.”
By the way this was a very well written article Terra, thanks for it.
And thank you for reading!
The internet (and Home in particular) has become this place where a person can either be the person they always wished they were, or the person they really are, but can never be in their real life. These groups, as diametrically opposed as they are, are both looking for the same thing: escape. They just go about it differently.
Interesting article, filled with enough food for thought to make me a tad bloaty.
Home is a place to not only interact with others, but also a place to live out a bit of fantasy. In saying such is one really telling a malicious untruth when they claim to be the persona they create as opposed to who they really are? When that lie is used to hurt or capitalize on others then the answer is yes.
But what if one is simply role playing the fantasy of what they wish was the reality to the hilt? To me, if the fantasy is hurting no one, then the ‘game’ is really no more than dressing up in your parents clothes as a kid or getting plastic surgery done in order to bring oneself closer to a self-styled ideal -- albeit with less expense and healing time.
For myself, I am ‘me’ in home. MY ‘everyday’ avatars are designed to look like me (even changed the goatee to a beard since I grew one). Perhaps my ego has interfered with my good judgment, but I like me so I am comfortable sharing that with others in Home. But there are those who are less comfortable in their own skins.Do we decry them as ‘criminal’ for doing so, or simply allow for for such transformations to become an acceptable social norm as long as no one is getting hurt?
Again, nice article. I commend you on the conversational use of the word “twat”. Not something you see every day :>
Well, I think we all understand the types of lies that can be especially hurtful. Don’t say you’re single if you’re married. Don’t say you’re available if you have a live-in boyfriend or girlfriend.
If someone is role-playing partially or fully, but they’re consistent, and not hurting anyone, then I don’t have a problem with that, but it’s rare, because it implies someone who’s totally got it together and is only concerned with giving to others instead of taking from others.
The fantasies you’re alluding to are usually consensual, i.e. all parties are aware that the persona(e) presented are a part of the fantasy.
I see no problem with people who choose to withhold information about themselves (or perhaps portray themselves as someone/thing else) due to self esteem issues, but the fact of the matter remains, that eventually, someone’s going to find out. And the people who are hiding are going to have to face telling the truth. If one speaks from the heart about the reasons why, the majority of the people with give a person the benefit of the doubt. There will still be some who feel hurt (getting hurt and feeling hurt in this instance are two separate things), and while that is sad, those are their feelings, and they’re entitled to them.
So long as you speak your truth in the end, that’s all that really matters.
Wonderful and well written article. Oh what tangled webs we weave… I sometime get this guilty feeling, not because I am out and out misrepresenting myself to others on home… I am pretty much an open book. But because I hear from time to time what a great person I am. Before you dismiss this comment as my ego venting, please read on… I am quick to whip out my soapbox of “honor” and wave my sword of companion over my head. Its easy for me to be mistaking as a great person (again, please hear me out. I am far from an egotist)when you are getting the distilled me. I have had to have “The Talk” with more than one guy on Home. As Terra said so well in her article…”Believing in and expressing yourself well can be attractive”, and I think that is so true. But what i have to explain in these “Talks” is what people see here on Home is the refining of “me”. Typing is not my strong suit, and my dyslexia make my spelling very difficult, my wanted poster hangs in the office at Spell Check. That being said, even if my spelling was without flaw and my typing was greater than 4 words a minute, why would I want to take the time to express my character flaws. Part of the reason I enjoy Home so much is because the text base communicating. Like I said I am very dyslexic, and while it is a consent source of frustration for me, the benefits have a better payoff. My verbal ballet to find the words I can spell well enough to convey what I am trying to impart has a built in safety delay and filtering process. I do not have the time or desire to flip through the pages of my mental thesaurus to find words that portray the parts of me that I am not proud of. I am happy with who I am for the most part but I don’t want to take the time to show that side of me that does a Don Rickles like mental stand up set in my head about every other person I see in WalMart. So in a way, you are seeing only what I feel are the best parts of me. The knee jerk, quick wit I may or may not have in real life often offends. The price of speed and timing sometime are paid not only by the one wielding it, but by the one that gets it impaled through their hearts. Maybe this seems a little off topic but my thoughts were about even though I am the real me on Home, it is not all of me and only the best parts of me (and only the parts I can spell). So like the 16 year old girl that said she was 19, my personality may have some acne and I am sure the caustic side of my humor has never played the piano. My point is that while I am a violin, not the case in which it is housed, the tune I play may sound sweeter played through the auto tuner of Home.
Big difference in fine tuning a fiddle and calling a trombone a tuba.
But music is still music no matter what the instrument … even a bagpipe…lol
true but verdi beats “fred sanfords ragtime band” lol.
Not to Fred Sanford
Lol,there was no such band.In the episode where hes trying 2 break the guinness book of world records longest stretch of time with no sleep his friend repeats a verse of song with “fred sanfords ragtime band”in it ad nauseum 2 keep him awake.What i intended this 2 mean is its better 2 have a true friend,as verdi was a true musician,compared 2 the illusionary friend,a “fred sanfords ragtime band”.Lol and 2 fred in that episode it may have been music but it wasnt 2 his liking.
Oh god, if your wanted picture hangs on the wall at the spell check office, mine must be somewhere nearby; mostly because my brain flies much faster than my fingers, who constantly shout at me, “Dammit! Will you slow down, woman!”
It’s funny what you mentioned with regards to showing people your best, because I do the opposite, ha! ^_^
I have a very caustic exterior, honed over many years due to various misfortunes, and as I see it, if you can’t handle me at my worst, you definitely don’t deserve me at my best. It’s only once we get past the typical “getting to know you” formalities that I show you the rest of me. This is doubly true when I get into a internet setting, such as a chatroom or Home. And for me, once I’ve more or less adopted you as a friend, you are now considered a part of the family (not a “fam” people) and pretty much are welcome to the house for Thanksgiving, Christmas, impromptu jam sessions, or what have you.
And should someone hurt my friends… They better have good life insurance.
This is not a new phenomenon: http://www.carygrant.net/articles/nobody%20knows.htm While it happens more in the virtual world than in real life, the urge is obviously there. It was the premise for a number of episodes of “Three’s Company” and best that I have seen done in the movie “What’s Up Doc?”. We need to understand that this is natural. I had a friend in college who I found out was gay. He felt I would react badly to it, so he never told me. When I found out, he asked me about it. My reaction was “Why would I care? It does not effect me. But no kissing.” Life after that went on as if nothing had happened.
We must create an atmosphere of tolerance so people are not afraid to be themselves. We as humans want to try being someone else. It is natural. Finding out that someone was doing that should not be looked upon as a betrayal. Unless it gets this far: http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/news/article2422572.ece
I just don’t reveal any personal information that could result in me being identified in the real world. There are too many nut-cases out there (and in Home) to ever feel safe with that. I won’t lie about my real self but I won’t reveal much either.
I understand keara,im not advocating putting out anything that can get u stalked.Just saying if some1s total persona is made up how can u tell if that person is really some1 u would want in your life,as friend or w/e.Again im not talking about minor stuff here,im talking about the core beliefs of some1,some1 that u may b spending alot of time with and sharing stuff u wouldnt if the truth were known.This is only my opinion,im not trying 2 force my values on any1,but its ppl that do this kjnd of thing maliciously that destroy groups that were having alot of good times.
This is excellent advice for anyone, but especially for women of course. I have met a few people in Home who at first seemed nice, but eventually revealed themselves to be extremely unpleasant people. In one case, it turned out that they actually live in the same city as I do. That’s why you can never be too careful.
I never ask for photos or personal info from my friends, and as a rule don’t provide personal information either. This doesn’t mean however that I don’t know anything about my friends.
I’ve seen photos of several of my female friends, but in almost every case it wasn’t until I had already known them for at least six months, which is a very long time in Home. And afterwards, in a few cases I was grateful that I hadn’t known what they looked like up front because it gave me a chance to get to know them as individuals, rather than a collection of pretty faces. My oldest friend in Home knows my name, as well as details about my work and personal life, and vice versa, but we’ve known each other for more than 18 months, which in Home terms is like an eternity.
I think waiting 6 months 2 swap looks at pics is a great idea,then u could b reasonably sure the person is interested in the real u inside rather than just your exterior.Yes time on home is much different than real life,my best guess is 24hrs of home time equals 1 week of real time,lol.Of course putting a def. # 2 how long u should wait is tricky,some friends i spend time with everyday others less,so u really need 2 use good judgement here but 6 months should give u a good idea of what the persons about.Trying 2 find a good balance between giving no info at all about the real u and giving 2 much can b tricky,its really a judgement call 4 each person 2 make and may b different 4 different friends.Having said that i want 2 make sure that we all understand that theres a world of difference between adequately protecting your personal info. and totally inventing a person that exists only in your own mind,1 protects u the other can,potentially,destroy friendships u had thought were unbreakable.
Oh, absolutely; if you don’t feel comfortable about sharing personal aspects of your life, you have all the right to keep it to yourself. Especially where safety is a factor. And most people will respect you if you tell them up front your beliefs about such things.
I like to consider myself something of an internet socializing veteran and in fact have been lucky enough to meet many of my internet friends in real life. And guess what, I’m still alive (they were probably more worried that I was the creepy one, instead, but I digress). However, bear in mind too, that these people who stuck around long enough for such a meeting did so because of their integrity was congruent with my own. Sure, we had originally had all defenses up in the beginning, but that’s there to weed out the people who aren’t worth the time (this is also something worth doing in real ife as well). And once we invested time -- real, quality time -- with each other, the frienships grew. That’s when the personal information gets exchanged (to a reasonable degree -- if you’re naive enough to still think it’s safe to give your Social Security number, credit card number, or physical address out, cancel your ISP, NOW and stay off the internet forever, kthx) and you learn their real name, see what they look like, and get a glimpse into their life beyond Home. How long should such a relationship should be going on… Well, that’s up to the indivduals; some people just “click” faster than others, and everyone has different comfort levels.
What makes it so frustrating about the people who hide themselves online is that nine times out of ten, their behavior would probably get them some jail time, should they try it in the real world. And there are times when people hide themselves over the most petty of things, and it’s just not necessary. It’s okay to be you. No, really, it is.
Exactly,and if some ppl dont like u 4 what u r then u r better off without them anyways.
I have watched many friends get hurt by this deception. One example is of a friend I had known in Home. He began to fall for a girl he got talking to for over a year on Home. Then ‘She’ revealed to him that ‘She’ was a ‘He’ and that it was all for a bit of ‘Fun’ I didnt find it amusing and I would imagine he didnt either. My Friend felt so hurt and humiliated that he stopped coming on Home, his existence shrank from a few short messages to the final deletion of his account.
Now i have nothing against Men roleplaying as ‘Women’ and Women roleplaying as ‘Men’ But its this kind of behaviour that I can’t stand.
But unfortunately this happens in any Virtual place you go to.
agreed,i have many male friends that use a female avatar and vice versa but they tell their friends whats really going on.2 intentionally lead some1 on about being the opposite sex then allowing some1 2 enter an “exclusive” relationship based on the lie is sad,deceptive,and in every case i know of leads 2 a bad end 4 not only the relationship but often to many of the pairs friendships with others.I put the quotes on exclusive because in most if not all the cases im familiar with the deceptive person doesnt stop with just that lie but goes all the way 2 scoundrel by having other relationships behind the back of the partner that was deceived.Its probably best 2 try 2 keep romance off of home altogether if u can but human nature being as it is thats impossible 4 all but the true saints among us.Norse brought up elsewhere that humans are beasts with a thin veneer of civility.In the area of sexuality often the veneer disappears entirely,the old law of”every man 4 himself”or”every woman 4 herself” often reasserts itself,meaning ppl often think of their wants/needs and how 2 gratify them instead of how their actions effect/affect the other party/s involved.If we cant treat others the way we would wished 2 b treated ourselves,cant we at least treat those we call friend,lover,or w/e term of endearment u wish 2 use,that way?
SONY make.believe
Grand article. Some aspects are very familiar.
No collection of individuals on the interwebs is immune. In fact, this is also true of stoopid real life.
This problem became rampant with the online dating scene. Look, if I’m into online dating and I’m looking through the profiles I want to see a head shot of you. Not your kids or your cat or a picture of you standing 1,000 feet away. I’ve seen this in the past, happens all the time. I know a bit off topic BUT
This is one of the main reasons (yeah, I know you guys think it’s pathetic! lol) I only have three Home friends (people who I know and have known for decades and game with at each other’s houses). I haven’t really considered Home a place to create “real” friends. Maybe you guys will change that.
Now before anyone gets nasty and yells at me, let me explain:
I am a gamer. It’s one of my hobbies and I’m tired of being ashamed of it. I’ve been heavily involved since my three Commodore 64s. I treat Home as more of a game, a social experiment if you will, than a serious dating or friend site. I use Meetup.com for the friend and dating. Try it if you haven’t!
So, when traveling through Home my avatar is probably the only thing that is fake. You can blame whoever (I think it was Keara!) who wrote the article about fashion or eye candy for the ladies in Home! I tried my best to make a cute guy avatar for the ladies but I’m a guy so when I meet some of you you’ll have to tell me what works and what doesn’t! My color sense is probably comical! I have NO relation to that avatar except for hair color and weight but since Home is what it is I think that’s OK to do.
It does amaze me however when people tell me they have traveled hundreds or thousands of miles to meet someone they met online. I’m not saying thats bad or they’re stupid I just don’t think I could do that on a paragraph of text and a bad picture of a cat.
Im not sure about this but i dont think ppl travel great distances after just 1 paragraph,i know a few ppl that have done this and dam near did it myself.In these cases the decision was made only after months of constant communication,both text and voice,none of us was looking 4 this but these things have a way of sneaking up on u and taking u by surprise.
The two couples I know that are in love at this time in Home have had hours of meaningful conversations and seen real pictures of each other, in one case they web cam regularly. These are adults not kids and the relationships they have built are real, deep and getting deeper with each passing month. They share each others ups and downs and like I said in my article “Home, Why Do We Stay?” they have had to really get to know each other as they don’t physically touch. I have a cousin who met her husband online many years ago when this whole idea was in it’s infancy, and they have been happily married for many years now. It can really work.
Yes it can work,but only if both parties r honest with each other.Its far better 2 tell some1 your not comfy talking about a topic than inventing fairytales,and u will gain much more respect.
Oh I agree 100%. Honesty is always the best policy in any endeavor. You don’t have to be totally open at first, trust takes time, but lying is never a good option in any relationship.
Hi Adam, and thanks for the comment.
You’re absolutely right; to base a real-life relationship on a poor quality photograph and fewer lines worth of dialogue than what you’d find in a Hallmark card is absolutely unrealistic. However, like Burbie mentioned in her most recent article, the internet has actually put us back in time to a place where one has to rely on the strength of their intellect and their ability to express themself clearly in the written word in order to build relationships. So if you aren’t very articulate, the likelihood of building any relationships (romantic or otherwise) online is close to nil. And no one’s just going to hop on a plane to meet what is, essentially, a pen pal without a decent quantity and quality of discourse. I certainly didn’t hop on a plane, or open up my home to the half dozen or so internet friends I’ve met face to face after only knowing them for a month and exchanging a handful of tweets.
Home is anything you want it to be. Having only three friends there is not (IMO) pathetic, especially since that isn’t what you intended it to be in the first place. If you want to change that, that’s great! There’s plenty of people here alone who are willing to extend a hand. And where it takes you, well, that’s up to you. Enjoy the ride. ^_^
I didnt mean 2 imply that he was pathetic by only having 3 home friends,i just find it unbelievable that he hasnt accepted more.In any given day i receive many random requests,if he received the same amount in the time hes been on thats alot and i thought it odd that he was never curious about any of them.When i 1st started on home i accepted every request,silly i know but im glad i did because i found a few gems in the rock pile.It sounds like hes willing and open 2 making friends but like i said b 4 i just think he needs a different approach,nothing pathetic or shameful about it.