SYNOPSIS:
How
can we transcend our romantic delusions and fantasy feelings
and
build our loving relationships on reality?
Romantic
love might be the most pervasive myth of Western culture.
Romance
is a cultural
invention,
not a natural
phenomenon.
We have been so deeply indoctrinated into the romantic
mythology
that we have no awareness of the process of emotional
programming
that
created our romantic responses.
Popular culture provides the main
ways we learn how to 'fall in love'.
Movies, television, popular
songs, novels, & magazines
all train
our feelings
into the wonderful delusion of romance.
Our
romantic games would be harmless if everyone
knew
that
romantic
love is a fantasy feeling.
But while still under the influence of romantic illusions,
some
people make the life-altering mistake of getting
married.
Do we guard against every form of political or religious
mythology?
But what about the most potentially-harmful
myth—romantic love?
Religious
indoctrination demonstrates emotional programming.
Is 'being
saved' the religious equivalent of 'falling in love'?
We are
taught
what emotions to expect—then
we try to create
them.
If
romantic love is a hoax, what should we do?
Real
information about our partners
can replace romantic
illusions.
We can love on the basis of who
we choose to be
rather
than trying
to reproduce romantic feelings as seen on television.
OUTLINE:
I. Romantic
Love was Invented
800 Years Ago by the
French Troubadours.
II. 'Falling in Love' as Temporary Insanity.
III. Love & Marriage: Fantasy & Facts.
IV. How Did We Learn the Romantic Response?
V. Emotional Programming: Romantic & Religious.
VI. Good-bye to Illusions, Hello to Reality.
length: 6.22KB
EMOTIONAL PROGRAMMING TO 'FALL IN LOVE'
by James Leonard Park
I.
Romantic Love was Invented
800 Years Ago by
the French Troubadours.
Most
of us emerged from childhood
believing that romantic love is a
natural
phenomenon.
When we 'fall in love', we seem to be possessed
by
an irresistible passion, filling our hearts.
So, how could these
romantic feelings be a cultural
creation,
invented
only 800 years ago?
Before
the Middle Ages, some people probably experienced
exaggerated,
fantasy feelings close to what we now call "romantic love".
But such accidental eruptions of personal, deluded feelings
did
not become the passion of the masses
until the French troubadours
refined and spread the emotional game of love.
Who
were these people who—as a matter of historical fact—
started
the feeling
that has now become a taken-for-granted phenomenon?
The French
troubadours were traveling entertainers who
put on plays, recited
poetry, & sang the popular songs of the day.
Their audiences
especially liked romantic stories and songs.
The tradition they
started has continued in the popular culture of today.
II. 'Falling in Love' as Temporary Insanity.
Romantic
love is an altered state of consciousness.
We seem possessed by
an alien force taking over our hearts.
Everything seems
wonderful—especially the object of our love.
Our
'spontaneous' love-reactions pull us
into a whirlpool of
hopeless, uncontrollable, overwhelming passion.
'Falling in love'
is like surfing on an ocean wave
—sliding down a surging
force beyond our control.
Romantic
love is blind because we are really responding
to our
own internal fantasies,
well-prepared by the romantic tradition.
For years, we have been
yearning for our Dream Lover.
And when a close approximation
appears,
we project all our pent-up fantasies upon that
unsuspecting victim.
These
experiences are really being
in love with love.
Such 'love' is entirely
an emotion,
taking place inside our own skins.
Perhaps we remain basically
closed persons,
intensely enjoying our own private, internal
feelings,
using other people as supporting
characters
in our grand love stories.
III. Love & Marriage: Fantasy & Facts.
In
the American way of love, marriages are contracted 'for love'.
But
often the kind of 'love' that leads to the altar is romantic
infatuation.
After the honeymoon is over, grim reality replaces
the fantasy.
The bubble of romance,
which seemed so
exquisitely beautiful for a moment,
vanishes with a silent pop,
leaving only a small wet mark.
In
other cultures,
marriages are created for more practical reasons.
If there is to be any affection, it might develop later.
But
perhaps romantic love and marriage are incompatible.
Projected
fantasies seldom survive years of living together.
Romantic love
can be an enjoyable and harmless emotional game.
But should we
attempt to build our lives around this artificial feeling?
IV. How Did We Learn the Romantic Response?
Almost
from the moment of birth,
we
have been surrounded by romantic mythology.
Every
element of the popular culture assumes
that romance is real:
television,
movies, novels, poetry, soap operas, advertising,
popular
music of every kind, newspapers, magazine, & dating services.
We
grew up in a milieu of romantic love.
Everywhere
we turn, even if we seldom notice it,
someone
is making positive references to 'falling in love'.
The
reason for the uniformity of our romantic beliefs and experiences
is
not
genetic similarity,
control
by the gods,
or a common
'human nature'
—but
a common
cultural tradition
dating back to the Middle Ages.
As diverse as we are, most of us
pursue the same dream of romantic love.
Without the help of any
organized conspiracy,
hundreds of accidental elements of popular
culture
have shown us how to 'fall in love'.
These ever-present
purveyors of the romantic mythology
have shaped our deepest
emotional-psychological structure:
We have been programmed
to respond
when someone triggers our romantic illusions.
V. Emotional Programming: Romantic & Religious.
That
we human beings can
be programmed emotionally
is
amply demonstrated by such diverse phenomena as
nationalism,
ethnic pride, loyalty to a sporting team,
or
attachment to a television program.
But
the deepest examples of emotional indoctrination
come
from the diverse religions of the human race.
When
we are surrounded by people who fervently believe
(undemonstrable)
'truths' about themselves and the universe,
we
often accept the same religious assumptions.
Or
we might have had a 'conversion experience',
in
which our feelings were suddenly transformed into a new condition.
But
what was the source or cause of this new emotional state?
Was
it not the emotional
expectations
we had internalized
from
the sub-culture that embraced that particular religion?
We
can be objective about religions emotional indoctrination
because
only a certain segment of any population
embraces
a particular form of religious faith.
But
the romantic mythology surrounds everyone.
We
have all learned the proper emotions to expect.
Almost
all of us try
to have
the romantic emotions we believe are real.
VI. Good-bye to Illusions, Hello to Reality.
The
difficulty we might have in making ourselves 'fall in love'
is
not our emotional
deficiency
but our intellectual
honesty.
We
might eventually become convinced that romantic love is an
illusion
—a
web of projected fantasies and artificial feelings.
What
should we do next?
We
can abandon these cultural delusions and begin to establish
our
relationships based on real
information
about each other
and
genuine
commitment
toward each other.
Loving without illusions lacks the emotional
high of romantic love,
but truth
is better than fiction
as a basis for on-going relationships.
Instead of projecting our
pre-existing fantasies,
we
can get to know each other as we really are
—and
as the persons we are becoming.
The
wild, extravagant feeling of being head-over-heels in love
is
certainly an enjoyable delusion while that emotional 'high'
lasts,
but
should we attempt to build
relationships
on fantasy feelings?
created
5-11-99; revised 7-13-99; 1-28-2000; 4-6-2003; 6-18-2003;
5-8-2006; 10-27-2006; 9-6-2007; 9-16-2007; 5-16-2009; 2-14-2010;
11-13-2010; 2-11-2011;
5-2-2012; 1-11-2013; 2-13-2014; 8-24-2014;
2-4-2015; 2-5-2016; 7-3-2018;
AUTHOR:
James
Park is an independent thinker
with a deep interest in the
dynamics of love.
The first chapter of his most popular book
—New
Ways of Loving: How Authenticity Transforms Relationships—
is
also called "Romantic Love is a Hoax! Emotional
Programming to 'Fall in Love' ".
This 23-page chapter forms
the background for the above 3-page article.
Much more
information about James Park is available on his website,
the last link below.
Full
information about the sixth edition of New
Ways of Loving
will
appear on your screen if you click this title:
New
Ways of Loving:
How
Authenticity Transforms
Relationships
This
whole book is also available as two PDFs.
If
you would like to measure
your own level of romance,
you might want to take (free of charge)
The
Romantic Love Test: How Do We Know If We Are in
Love?
This
180-question test divides the phenomenon of romantic love
into 26
manifestations (the A-Z of romance).
And
the introduction to The
Romantic Love Test
should help us to separate
romantic love from three
other phenomena
that
are often
confused with romantic love:
(1)
sexual attraction, (2) mate-selection, (3) familiarity.
All three
of these other
human feelings and behavior
are obviously more
than 800 years old.
If
you are skeptical about romantic love being only
800 years old,
here
is a website looking for counter examples
—that is, signs of
romantic love from times before
the Middle Ages:
When
Was Romantic Love
Invented?
If
you want to read more books critical of romantic love,
see the
Romantic
Love
Bibliography .
Your
college library or public library
should have most of the books
reviewed here.
Several
other links for exploring romantic delusions:
The
Romantic Love Portal.
If
you are ready to create loving
relationships beyond romantic fantasies,
perhaps
you will be interested in another book by the same author:
Designer
Marriage: Write Your Own Relationship
Contract.
You
have now enjoyed the first of the following essays on love,
so
perhaps you would like to sample another one:
Romantic
Love is a Hoax!
Emotional Programming to 'Fall in Love'
Loving
in Freedom
Romantic
Jealousy:
Cause & Prevention
Separating
Lust and Love
The
Future of Love and Marriage
Loving
without Expectations:
Non-Comprehensive Relationships
Four
Ways to Achieve Same-Sex Marriage
All
of these are now gathered as chapters of a new book,
Heartbreak
Prevention: Loving Beyond Romance, Sex, & Marriage.
Go to
other
on-line essays by James Park,
organized into 10
subject-areas.
Go
to
the beginning of this website
James
Leonard Park—Free
Library