Fringe Presidential Candidates Of 2012

Say what you will about Florida pastor Terry Jones, but he's probably got the best mustache out of any of the candidates. The outspoken author of Islam Is Of The Devil went to high school with Rush Limbaugh and got into the religion racket in the 1970s. He spent some time in Germany, where he was fined by the government for calling himself a doctor without being one. He won some press last year for announcing plans for a nationwide burning of Korans, and his party platform for the 2012 election revolves around deporting all illegal immigrants and reducing corporate tax rates.

Okay, well I guess I have to take that mustache comment back. Jimmy McMillan found fame as the "Rent Is Too Damn High" guy, running a campaign for governor of New York. The Vietnam War veteran and master of karate has run for office a half-dozen times, pulling such stunts as climbing to the top of the Brooklyn Bridge and setting himself on fire. He's switched parties to the Republican side for the 2012 Presidential election, and some of his promises include legalizing gay marriage, cutting property taxes and lowering that damn rent.

The man we know as Vermin Supreme has tried to win office before, but we're going to be honest in saying he doesn't have a snowball's chance in Hell. The dude wears a boot as a hat and carries an enormous toothbrush. His platform involves commanding every American to brush their damn teeth. Supreme is also the most pro-science of the candidates, insisting that government funding go to time travel research. And also giving every American a pony.

What's the biggest threat facing America today? If you believe self-proclaimed "Average Joe" Joe Story, it's the fact that our President is an undercover Muslim terrorist. Yes indeed, Barack Obama is a sleeper agent placed in our highest national office by Islamicist interests, and the country needs to get back to old-fashioned Judeo-Christian values. He also thinks that Hezbollah has completely taken over Mexico and that's why there are so many illegal immigrants.