Vampire Fiction: A Sucker Free Guide to Vampires

Don't act like you aren't addicted to the trashy vampires from Bontemps.  With the season premiere due any day now, we know you know all about Sookie Stackhouse and the rest of the fang-bangers, and salivate every moment at the promise of more psychics, shapeshifters and that beautiful Bill Compton in HBO's True Blood.

Vam-Powers: Shape-shifting, immortality, super-ability to get Anna Paquin naked.

Likes: Boning Anna Paquin.

Dislikes: Not boning Anna Paquin.

What would you do if the sun went down for 30 Days of Night per year?  Would you grab a couple of buddies and pillage the town, causing murderous mayhem and blood orgies!  To hell with that!  Vampire keggers anyone?  The decidedly non-Inuit Josh Hartnett really missed that boat.  Oh well, maybe if that sequel ever happens...

Vam-Powers: Enhanced strength, black-eyes, resistance to snow-plows

Likes: Screaming, blood stains and bad teeth, Ben Foster

Dislikes: Sunlight, the English language, Pearl Harbor

Before Wesley Snipes' greatest enemy was tax evasion, he fought off legions of vampires and movie critics throughout the Blade Trilogy.  Blade vampires, unlike their comic counterparts, took a more scientific approach to the undead, treating vampirism as a disease with allergies to silver, garlic, and UV radiation.  No stakes, crosses or good reviews here.

Vam-Powers: Limb-regeneration, instant European clothing style, bitchin' tattoos

Likes: Sunblock, techno music, Kris Kristofferson

Dislikes; Blood serum, jaws that look like vaginas, box-office receipts

You know, I for one really liked The Mummy series.  Sure it got pretty hoakey at times, but no one saw the real potential disaster of Stephen Sommers CG extravaganzas until Van Helsing.  Obviously nothing was ever a threat to the super fan-fic team of Wolverine and Faramir, but somehow shrieking, scantily clad CG vampires with ridiculous accents don't register very scarily.

Vam-Powers: Flight, CGI beast mode, 

Likes: Dracula, cloudy days, contact lenses

Dislikes: Realistic accents, crossbows, Hugh Jackman