How To Kill A Vampire Like A Boss

Film: Ultraviolet

Weapon: The Pocket Universe

Ok, ok--not traditional vampires but more of the "mutated" blood strain. But Milla Jovovich's ass-kicking under Equilibrium auteur Kurt Wimmer is like a Wachowski brother wet dream, if they were still interested in making pop art action sequences instead of films with Arianna Huffington cameos.

Jovovich's Alic--I mean, Violent Song is a "hemophage," or "like a Vampire but not so shut up and enjoy violence." Aside from her candy color hair and constantly shifting tone, on her wrists are little deus ex accessories that give her everything from guns, rifles, a hologram device and finally a sword that inevitably winds up on fire so she can battle the Big Bad with his own flaming sword.

That would've made the original Nosferatu a real gem, if you ask us.

Film: Priest (2010)

Weapon: Those Crucifix-shrukiens

Paul Bettany was a bad-ass vampire killing preacher, especially when he whipped out these bad boys. In fact, they were so cool we were almost forgave the post-conversion 3D. Thank god we don't have a 3D Blu-ray and can enjoy the awesome parts, like Crucifix-shrukiens.

Film: Vampires

Weapon: A Winch

Adapted from the book, Vampire$, James Woods is a Vatican-approved bounty hunter along with one of the countless fat Baldwin brothers who takes out vampires. The book breaks down the hunters into a series of classes from guys who wield guns to pikes and hatchets. It's a cool little sci-fi story that gets utterly ruined in translation except for an unintentionally amazing weapon.

The hunters find vampire lairs and go inside where they stab and restrain the vamps. Then they attach them to a winch and drag them out into the sunlight. There's something weirdly satisfying about watching a vampire be dragged outside and lit up like a Thanksgiving turkey. But maybe that's just us after seeing so many get boringly killed that way that we require the extra spice.

Film: Dracula 3000

Weapon: The Goddamn Sun

Ok, so this has Casper Van Dien (you remember Johnny Rico, right?) but he dies. No, this isn't a spoiler because this may be the most WTF vampire movie ever seen. It takes place in space and there's also Tiny Lister (you remember him from The Fifth Element and No Holds Barred right?)

After Dracula--or some vampire, really, this film is offensive--takes over the ship they decide the only course of action is to fly the ship straight into the sun. And then Tiny Lister has sex with a robot while they're flying into the sun.

You don't believe me, do you? Fine. Go watch it for yourself, but you'll never be able to forget this.

And this is third!