Faces and Forms of Abuse
by Phoenix, HSM team writer
Recently the subject of domestic abuse has frequented the daily news. I’ve seen and heard it, every day, for weeks now — as I’m certain you all have.
I’ve also seen a series of featured YouTube videos about the degradation of women in video games. I will not mention the woman’s name behind these videos, as I’m certain she has enough viewers who agree and disagree with her already. Nor am I going to debate whether or not the dehumanization of women in some movies and video games like Grand Theft Auto leads to real-world abuse, because I flat-out know better.
Domestic abuse was happening long before video games and movies.
I am, however, going to relate my own experience with abuse — as I understand it now was abuse. Not all abuse is physical or verbal; let me put that out there right now, so that many of you abusers and abused understand what is really happening in your life. And for people to understand the big question, “Why do women stay?” The answer is different for everyone.
Original art, D.Stewart
When I was younger, I was in a long-term relationship — longer than five years — and it was not a good one. I was inexperienced with relationships, but I was smart enough to know this one went bad fast. I also knew it really had nowhere else to go.
The guy I was with had an alcohol problem that I didn’t see at first. When I did notice it wasn’t just casual drinking, I was already in the relationship. From there, I found out he had a substance abuse problem. We discussed it, and he cried, saying he wanted help. This I saw as a reason to stay in the relationship.
We went back and forth with the treatments, but he always missed appointments or decided he had gone long enough and could do it on his own.We would break up, and each time he cried and pleaded, swearing he would try to get help again. Then he began to threaten suicide if he was left alone. So I stayed, out of fear that he would hurt himself and I would feel guilty.
Understand: he was never physical with me. But again he would threaten harm to himself if he were alone. On occasion he had punched a wall and damage his hands, crying and speaking with alarming self-loathing. He even pressed a lit cigar into the back his hand one night. All of these things tore at me, and I stayed to help him get better.
I never thought this was abuse. But it was.
After another year of the dysfunction, I called it quits and gave him till the end of the day to be out. I’d heard enough of the suicide threats and was done on all fronts. As I was leaving on that particular morning, he called me into our bathroom. When I went to ascertain what he wanted — thinking I was not going to fall for anymore pleading — I found him with his both his wrists slit and hanging over the bathroom sink. He had also consumed a bottle of Benadryl.
Now imagine how I felt. He was going to die, I was certain, because I turned my back on him.
From there things got worse. I lived in hell most days, hating where I was. I’ll spare you the details. He was taken to the hospital and subsequently released into my custody, as there were no beds available in the mental ward, and because everyone persuaded me he was ready for real help and I was strong enough to help him. The guilt I felt was so overwhelming — that he would kill himself if I ended it with him — that it kept me from doing so. It took me years to be truly strong enough to realize this was abuse, and I was the victim.
He never staged another attempt again, because I was always there. But things were bad and continued to get worse. By the time I finally got out of this relationship I had no friends; my circle of people were his family and my son. I saw my family, but I kept my sadness and anger to myself for the most part.
I came to the understanding in my own spirit that if someone uses their own welfare to control you, if they use your values and feelings against you, it is abuse. It’s just as bad as if they were punching or hitting you. Any kind of control is abuse. It is abuse of the spirit and emotional abuse. There is no respect for whom you are, let alone the idea of being a valued person in their world. When that happens, you need to leave.
Someone who thinks so little of their own well-being will think even less of someone else’s.
Original art, D.Stewart
I have come to believe this: not taking the blame for the way I was treated, but accepting some of the responsibility, that people treat us the way we let them treat us. We teach people how we will be treated, in a sense. If you accept the first punch, or hit, or kick, or emotional twist, or verbal barrage, it is allowing what comes next.
It’s not the fault of any one thing, media or group. It is the willingness of society as a whole to place blame on one thing or other, instead of collectively saying enough is enough. Abuse will always find a corner to thrive and grow because it is silently accepted as something that just is. This is the reason it has crept into movies, videos and video games; these movies and games reflect real life, not the other way around.
September 21st, 2014 by Phoenix | 8 comments
Phoenix writes poetry and is a photography enthusiast, along with writing for HomeStation Magazine. She is currently studying for a BFA in Creative Writing and BA with concentration in Photography. psn ID phoenixstorm21
youtube.com/user/phoenixstorm21
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I am speechless..amazing article and thank you for bringing this up to the forefront~*Sue
Great read. Emotional abuse is just as real and physical. I have been in both places in my relationships and I applaud your bringing this to the front.
Women have been abused for many more years than video games have been around, but society always looks for a scapegoat to hide its ugly sides.
Too true Burbie,
scapegoats keep the conversations for reaching a constant dialogue, which is what it will take to start to correct this dark chapter in society’s past and future.
:^/ To paraphrase Ayn Rand “The only thing worse than those with no pity are those who would use your pity against you.”
Your ex was manipulative, but I suspect his need was genuine. He needed help that you couldn’t give hime alone. I see two victims here. You were both victims of his dependency.
I would agree Danger_Dad,
with everything you say were it not for the depth to which life sank. You are correct in that I could not give him the help he needed. Some may even say I enabled his behavior by staying in the relationship, perhaps he would have gotten the the help had I not stayed.We will never know. But I do not examine the road not taken, it was not taken there is no point.
I do believe substance abuse is an illness, and some are victims themselves, then perpetrators. I believe too that non can help you until you help you. To live life as the perpetual victim does not mean you are allowed to create new victims. Once that road is taken you are no longer a victim, your past victimization is no excuse.
ty truly for taking the time to read and comment.
This was a riveting and inspiring article, Phoenix. I mean…..just wow.
Ty Jin.