“You can discover what your enemy fears most by observing the means he uses to frighten you.”

–Eric Hoffer

by Jin Lovelace, HSM team writer & filmmaker

I’ve flirted with the creation of this article for a while now. It has taken a bit of strength and some inspiration for me to do this, but I think this is one of those times that I just do it.

I’m a socially awkward person.

I can appear to be this humorous character with a sense of reality through spiritual values that hopefully provide a positive outlook on life. I can give to my heart’s content to the ones that I believe deserves it. At first glance, you might not consider me to be socially awkward.

In fact, we can explore this: no one likes rejection, but yet at times I fear it. I fear it due to the experiences I’ve undergone since I was a child. After all, that’s where it starts. I was (and at times, still am) the type that needed to explain myself in detail on who I am and why I am the way I am, in hopes to reach some form of acceptance.

Just as ultimately no one understands you but you, no one understands me; it’s difficult to explain why I now simply avoid certain personality types and situations. I can be the life of the party, yes; in fact, many can share stories behind some of the craziest actions I’ve done to garner that sort of attention. But behind that exterior is someone else.

I’ve constantly lived in this shell where I was told that I wasn’t good enough. I’ve heard it many times, as much as you’ve probably heard it over the years. You may know them as your friend, your family member, one of your co-workers, or that person whom you see right down the street from your local grocery store, but the message is the same.

That bully you know? I was one of their victims. I was one of the people that had it ingrained in my memory that I wasn’t going to ever amount to anything in my life due to the color of my skin, the way that I speak, how I stutter, how I express my passion for games, read comics, wouldn’t touch a drug, listen to music that would differ from the typical mindset, liking someone that’s genetically different from their aesthetics, and desires to reach out to the masses through social interactions based on gaming, food, health, and art.

None of that appealed to my school peers, and I was ridiculed for being divergent to their ideals of life. It’s unbearable when one tells you to ignore the assailants, because to them, they’ve accomplished their mission. They’ve stunted their growth in human evolution and, to them, devolved them into being the minions they rightfully perceive in their repugnant world.

Little did they know, however, that they’ve possibly devolved and stunted the growth of the next doctor that could possibly find a cure for some of the powerful diseases that’s wiping our human race, or an artist that would entice the many to bring forth such a unification to our race and learn there’s no difference in color, genetics, anything that forms our conscious.

I was subjected to this scrutiny and was told that I wasn’t going to amount to anything in what I love to do because, after all, it’s not going to pay the bills or, somehow, teach responsibility. The mention of me actually creating videos to a virtual social community and it’s generally scoffed off as though it’s just another waste of their time.

Believing in myself has been something of a bumpy road I’ve driven on for a few years now. My love for Home grew into artistic expressions and share some of my passion to those who would seemingly have a similar mindset to help reach out to the community and create a better social views and standards through fashion. It could be argued that I’ve taken what’s supposed to be fun a bit too seriously for their casual tastes and not understand the interpretations behind each transition, shot, and/or film I’ve produced to help give a better understanding about virtual goods, but we take seriously those things which drive us.

I had a vision before I started my brand: go beyond these Home fashion shows and contests that ostentatiously inflate the egos of the users and would-be experts on the medium. Write articles about the fashion itself, and create video machinima based on the clothing released. Due to the heavy saturation of bullying in my life and the insecurities that are in me, I didn’t believe — at all — I was good enough to do what I do. To create video presentations, host actual fashion shows, connect with good people, and overall build a resume that will push myself into a career that will take me into my newest chapter of art, business, and design.

I did it because I wanted to. Not for notoriety, fame, or fortune. I have a vision, and I wished for it to be seen. A part of my life — a part of me — is proud of what’s been achieved so far, simply out of conquering every moment when I was told mentally that I couldn’t do it, and I did it. I desired to reach out to the community, and I did it. I never would have thought I could create a fashion video, and  I did it. I did it because I knew I can, even when others said that I couldn’t. I wanted my work to be inside of Home; not only was it found in SCEE’s Media Viewer to help promote JAM Games’ Desire collection, but now my videos can be found in Home on LOOT’s EOD, which I’ve never thought would happen.

Lately, being socially awkward has turned into a journey of being socially accessible. My drive is to output my very essence to create, compete, and teach. I’m a firm believer of peace and clean living, and if it means to separate myself from the negativity that doesn’t benefit me, my health or my brand, then so be it. The very ones who don’t share this vision are the ones who are spouting their vitriol about it.

The difference is that those who do this don’t believe in themselves to know they can be somebody far greater than what they’re aware of.

I believe in the guiding light, the power of forgiveness, and to just do it. If you’re successfully pursuing your goals, there’s no need to tear anyone else down, now is there?

Never allow your insecurities to consume you — because just when you think you can’t, know that you can and will accomplish it. You win, you lose — but you live to do it again. And every time you pick yourself back up and keep moving forward, you succeed.

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One Response to “The Timorous Truth”

1. Burbie52 says:

   July 13, 2014 at 1:21 pm

   I have known you for a long time Jin and have watched you grow as both a filmmaker and as a writer. I have also watched as you grew in self confidence through your craft and couldn’t be more proud of you. Great article.

   Reply