by ted2112, HSM team writer

Okay. This review, I admit, took much longer than I had planned on, because frankly this game was a chore to play.

I am a huge Final Fantasy fan, and loved every minute of Final Fantasy XIII. Everything about it was a win for me: from the characters to the brilliant storyline, it was all so wonderfully done. I loved the game so much that I was willing to forgive some blaring oversights, and the rushed production job of the sequel XIII-2. In the end, even though the second game was flawed, it at least made an effort to push the story forward, and at the same time keep a unique story arc.

Lighting Returns, however, simply is terrible. Even a few shots of tequila can’t smooth the jagged edges and blur all the loose ends of this train wreck of a game.

Confusion: When you first start to play Lightning Returns, you will first be really confused that the characters have all reverted back to their original Final Fantasy XIII form.  When last we left them in Final Fantasy XIII-2, they were older and had a wonderfully distant look from the first game.  Lightning Returns tries to explain this strange change by having the characters explain they “don’t know” what happened to them.

Not kidding.

I think the Square Enix team used the company’s day care center kids as a focus group to try and make this plot work.  Good job, kids.

The real reason behind this is because most of Lightning Returns is recycled data from the original game. All the characters and enemies are all exactly like you remember them. They also fill up the game by having all the secondary Final Fantasy characters stop on by to say hello and offer a bland and half-hearted explanation as to why they are there.  Again, good job, Square Enix daycare kids!  It doesn’t matter, anyway; by the time they show up, you couldn’t care less about the game, and the only passion you feel is a burning fury over wrecking beloved characters you have come to love.

Maxim Magazine Lightning

Early Warnings: When the game was about to launch, Square Enix went on a publicity blitz that seemed strange to me at the time, but after playing the game, now makes perfect sense. It was preemptive damage control. Spin work. Some very reputable publications ran stories trying to quell rumors about the flawed game clock, with explanations like, “Don’t worry about the game’s doom counter, there is plenty of time to finish the game.” I remember thinking how strange that was, because the game wasn’t even out yet and there was no way they could have played the whole thing to make that determination. I read those pre-release copy-paste reviews, and all I can say is I no longer get Game Informer Magazine.

Terrible game battle system:  The long and short of this retooled battle system is simply to push a few buttons. That’s it. You can master Lighting Returns with two buttons. You just push a button and Lighting jumps around and attacks recycled enemies, saying recycled things — and when you run out of energy, no problem; simply push a new button to change your outfit, and Bingo! You’re all set with full energy and ready to push that attack button some more.

The real objective behind this battle system is to get you to buy the ready-made DLC outfits so you can dispatch the recycled enemies with less button mashing. Some of these outfits are more about showing skin than keeping with the storyline.  From skintight cleavage-pushing getups to cute teddy-bear concepts, it gets weird fast. Okay, Lightning: you’re here to save the world from imminent destruction — time to take a few minutes and put on that tiny leather bikini and go kick some butt.

Plot?:  I’ve played this game and I’m still not sure, but here’s my journalistic best shot: Lighting Returns blends Norse and Christian mythos to form a dystopian world on the brink of…ah, never mind.

Square Enix Day Care Center Focus Group

A trained monkey could beat Lightning Returns Final Fantasy XIII. And the monkey might enjoy it more because it wouldn’t have to deal with the charred remains of a storyline. It’s a shame the series ended on a whimper instead of what could have been a triumph. It’s clear that Square Enix must have been siphoning off developers to work on other titles, and gave up on this title, leaving it in the hands of the daycare kids. If you want to enjoy Lighting Returns, go to YouTube, watch the cutscenes and skip the game.

Lightning Returns Final Fantasy XIII should have been released as a Nintendo game called Lightning Returns: the Fashion Show, instead of trying to peddle a crappy recycled game on devoted fans of a beloved franchise.

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One Response to “Review: Lightning Returns — Final Fantasy XIII”

1. Jin Lovelace says:

   April 9, 2014 at 11:03 am

   This article brought a lot of clarity to me. I was thinking about purchasing this game for a while, and if I have to “think” about getting a FF game, then that’s a serious problem.

   SquareEnix was the dominant force and the Disney of RPGs. I can honestly tell you that they’ve fell off the face of the earth with their quality of games because I’ve yet to comprehend why they wouldn’t take advantage of the PS3’s power to create an immersive experience. All there is eye candy and lackluster gameplay.

   And I agree with the snipe at Game Informer. I stopped reading their publication eons ago. They are far too biased, not very truthful on their reviews, and more so they’ve really failed to captivate on the essence of gaming for me.

   Great read, Ted. Cheers!

   Reply