Anxiety in Home
(Editor’s foreword: it takes a lot of courage to write an intensely personal article about coping with real-world difficulties, and HSM has featured several such stories. Be advised that comments will be closely monitored.)
by RadiumEyes, HSM team writer
Home can be overwhelming enough by itself – think of the assortment of users one may encounter in a single day when visiting various spaces. It doesn’t take long for someone to see the diversity of human personalities on Home, and with the size of the userbase being what it is, you’ll likely find someone who strikes a chord with you; friendships emerge based on such things as mutual interests and jovial conversations, and people can look beyond superficial differences to form lasting bonds.
On the other side of this coin would be the people who can get on your nerves; for whatever reason, an individual can be of the sort that harrows you to no end, and you’d rather not deal with any drama that might result from the encounter.
It’s a microcosm of societies around the world – people can either behave or misbehave, and our reactions to them influence our interactions and overall reception of the social network. But sometimes, this environment can be too paralyzing, and one might want to retreat into a safe environment to avoid any uncomfortable situations.
Enter me, RadiumEyes, who has clinical depression and Asperger’s.
Indeed, I’ve been diagnosed with both, the latter somewhat early on; ever since that formal diagnosis, I received various treatments for it. Some worked, some didn’t, and now I’m on a regimen that works fairly well for me; granted, I still get bouts of depression and anxiety, but they became more manageable over the years. The stories I could tell of my experiences with depression may echo across cultures; undoubtedly, many people have gone through the same situations I have, and can empathize. Right now, though, I feel comfortable only in saying that I’ve had my share of tribulations; given my OCD and general anxiety, social interactions can become staggeringly difficult to overcome, and I find myself very high-strung and discouraged (to say the least for the latter). I become extremely self-conscious, and constantly see reassurance from family and friends when I’m down; it’s an unpleasant feeling that feels like it reverberates in my bones.
It’s never fun being alone.
With Home, I find myself facing these emotions almost daily – something may happen that triggers my OCD, and I fret overmuch for the next few days over the “mistakes” (real or perceived) I committed at some point. Because of this, I feel I come across as overly sensitive and bothersome; Buddha knows how many times I’ve entered that frame of mind. Anxiety can manifest from various sources, and for various reasons – for me, apparently “everything” can activate the anxiety circuits in my brain. Being anxious in a world of social disparity brings out the despondent in me, something I fear I will be judged for; Home can be a frightening place sometimes, and doing the “wrong” thing (I.e., something that may irritate others) unintentionally brings me back to that familiar state of self-loathing I’ve experienced since time immemorial.
Compounding this stress of doubting oneself are the complexities of social interaction; I’m not that good at identifying subtle social cues, and I may come across as unintentionally boorish or self-serving. Then again, I frequently see those two qualities in myself when I’m in a nervous state; I have significant difficulty breaking away from past errors, and fear that others will see me as the socially awkward nerd in the back of the room. Being able to open up to others on Home about my personal travails feels liberating, as it means there are friends willing to listen to me and give advice when necessary; I can’t thank people like Terra and Burbie enough for sticking with me through all my own little moments of social ineptitude. If you ever encountered someone that seems to take everything far too personally, you may find that person in me – for some reason, I become distraught over all manner of things, and it takes a metaphorical eternity for me to dispel my apprehensions.
With all that, however, Home does offer a safe haven; with personal spaces, Home provides a place for users to unwind after a particularly stressful day, and one can feel comfort in such digital surroundings. They may be virtual constructs, but spaces such as the Harbour Studio feel so cozy because you know they’ll be there when you log in, waiting for you to relax and take a breather; there’s something about being in a familiar spot that helps one establish one’s bearings and resume the day. Take Harbour Studio, for example; everyone receives this space upon creating a Home account, and it’s been there since Home existed. Simply stepping into the studio feels like visiting that one friend who understands you and will provide the advice you desperately need to continue onward; for me, having a place to call home on Home allows me to refocus my energy, and the place is indispensable for that very reason.
Of course, having a circle of close friends helps tremendously, as well – we’re all human, after all, and we experience the same migraines and frustrations as others do (even if we differ in what causes such issues). Irritation, frustration and melancholy make up part of the human existence, but it’s important to understand that they’re temporary; when you have clinical depression, that fact may be lost in the emotional rush. Think of it as being clouded by one’s own irrationality; if you enter a state of extreme anxiety, it will take a while to calm down and simply watch the world turn. As someone who regularly experiences these intense moments, I can tell anyone that it’s not the easiest thing to deal with – I’ve been fearful, depressed and self-conscious multiple times, sometimes for days on end. Getting through all that requires a moment of clarity and a means of dispersing the negativity – something entirely doable, if not without some occasional crying.
Sometimes, we all need a hug.
Home, that little program that could, offered me a means of relaxation, but trouble does arise with the occasional troll or awkward moment that sets off your anxiety; think of it as the sword that convinced Damocles how perilous being in a position of power can be, but substituted “perils of authority” with “perils of social interaction.” It’d be a rare thing indeed to see a social platform with a large userbase not to have some drama, and Home is no different; people don’t always see eye to eye, and knowing how to navigate this social terrain would behoove everyone. For me, it’s taking Home life one step at a time; don’t expect everything to be positive, but remain optimistic and don’t let your moments of depression bring you down. There are people there to help you through a rut, and that is truly a great gift anyone can give.
To everyone on my friends list, and to everyone at HSM – thank you. You’re all wonderful people, and simply knowing that makes me a happy camper, even if I still get depressed. There’s nothing quite as beautiful as a person willing to lend an ear.
January 17th, 2014 by RadiumEyes | 3 comments
RadiumEyes is a big anime fan and a film buff in general. Radium also runs a blog dedicated to anime commentary, and recently completed a short film as a class project.
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I am so glad you decided to write this Radium. This kind of article is not only cathartic but it helps others with similar problems know they aren’t alone in the world. I consider you a friend and will always be here for you to bend my ears if you need to.
Not everyone in Home or in real life either have a life of good health, be it mental or physical, through no fault of their own. Those who are blessed with it should show understanding toward those who aren’t, for it is our empathy which marks us as caring human beings.
Great article.
;^) Thank you for being so open, Radium. You’ve captured the feeling of Harbor Studio very well. Like you, I see that space as the one unchanging constant throughout the time I’ve been on Home. It feels like returning to a familar base of operations whenever I log in.
Thanks for writing this. I feel your pain. its not always easy to find understanding for anxiety etc, even in a world that seems to be more and more stressed, depressed and anxious. People won’t talk about it. This in itself shows how strong you are for sharing your story.
Like you, I tend to find myself on Home, just to relax when I need it most. There is something about having no goals, no need for a plan of action, no reason to rush that very few game worlds provide.
I seek somewhere away from real life, that is different whilst providing freedom. I find myself bored of games now, and desperate for sandbox games that bring something new, but mostly varied elements of fun.
I get bored easily now after playing games for over 30 years. I have no problem with staying in one game environment for the day or whatever, and would rather do that than switch games. However, even to switch games I’d struggle to find the type of games I now find fun. Most are on the PC. None, other than maybe Skyrim are on PS3.
Home at least provides some balance and calm, where I can just stop the action for a while, whilst I wait for a game world to be made that is like Home yet giving the option for calm or action or humour or a intriguingly mysterious storyline all in the same world.
Not all gamers love GTA and it’s foul-mouthed story, or the excessive killing. I played it for over a decade, loved it, grew up, and, yer, bored already!
This is a problem that games makers have yet to tackle.
I’ve played a thousand games over 30 yrs. I’ve outgrown GTA. I have money to spend on games. I’m the generation that introduced games to the few, and also brought them to the masses. So, what now? Do they want our money? It seems not. So, we get Call of Duty version blah blah blah!
And until hey do want our cash, we go on Home and relax. Our anxieties or troubles fade and we socialise with peeps like ourselves, or sit off on our own and just listen to music and daydream. Home is great for that. It could be so much more, but it’s one of the only places to just chill out with friends. Facebook with graphics!
I haven’t been on Home for a long time as my Ps3 has slowly become a dvd player now that few Ps3 games are worthy, and I saw this article online. So, thanks again, it’s nice to know I’m not alone in loving Home for being, well, for being a home!