FEMAELSTROM has Left the Building

by FEMAELSTROM, HSM team writer

The other day I swaggered into Terra_Cide’s virtual office to let her bask in my radiant glow. I feel it is, after all, a duty of mine to allow all the readers and staff of this publication to gaze upon my greatness. I sat in her chair and waited for her arrival, all the while my ivory-accented gator boots, which had cost me $5000.00, dug their spurs into her little and quaint wooden table. She walked in and her jaw dropped, obviously in absolute awe of my shining brilliance. A look then spread across her face that has yet to be described, but I choose to see it as her feeling honored to be in the presence of such poetic and literary majesty.

She looked at me and with a straightforward tone asked…

“What do you want Strom?”

“Are you hitting on me? I’m flattered, but save that for your boyfriend. I’m here for important stuff.”

She began to say that she wasn’t hitting on me and that I was delusion… but I put my finger on her lips to silence her before she continued to flatter me. I continued despite her many vocal objections.

“T — I know i can call you T. We both know that I alone keep this boat you call HSM afloat. Oh sure you do an okay job, but i make this U.S.S. Minnow from Gilligan’s Island into the Love Boat. Just call me Captain Stubing. With that in mind, I demand a raise.”

I then saw her face go from an all too familiar look of angered curiousity to inferno-like rage. Her eyes rolled back, shriveled up and became fire pits. She asked in a gravelly, evil-pit-of-Hell, voice…

“How much do you want Strom?”

“Just enough to make living like a rich man seem like a rich man’s fevered dream. I want to make rich people envy me. Gime as many zeros as humanly possible and then some. Godzprototype failed to meet my demands and I don’t star in his videos anymore. His loss huh? Furthermore to that, I want flower bearers to escort me land to land in Home. A moving harem, if you will. I want a bowl of just red M&Ms, personally sorted out by Olivia_Allin. Meet these demands, and I will stay and grace your little magazine with my grand words of pure awesomeness.”

This is NOT Zeus, this is me, FEMAELSTROM, pay me like it Terra_Cide.

This is NOT Zeus, this is me, FEMAELSTROM, pay me like it Terra_Cide.

She looked at me and made an offer.

“Strom, I can offer you a lot of zeros. Nobody here gets paid, why should I pay you?”

“Because I am me. My peeps love me. Oh, and I want an entourage, six to ten people should do, and a star on my door. And did I mention the sorted candy? OK, if you want, you can pay me in PSN cards, nothing less than $50’s though, I do have my dignity. And hopefully a union scale by which my greatness is not measurable.”

She reminded me that the magazine is a community effort of fans that are devoted to a quality publication, free of troll rants and forum style hostility. The writers here are good, she said, and care about the integrity of the magazine and express it through smart and well thought out articles that are relevant to the community in general.

I responded…

“Whatevs, T. How big a trailer do I get to live in while at the writer’s meeting?”

This was the first time I literally saw steam come out of a human’s ears, but it did, literally. She stood and flames grew out from beneath her chair and there was a hissing sound of stones burning.

I think I clenched the final brass straw when I made this singular comment:

Don't look directly into my shining brilliance, I may just blind you.

Don’t look directly into my shining brilliance, I may just blind you.

“Besides, I don’t think it’s proper to work beneath a woman.” (Insert confident smile).

I thought that having her knee on my neck and her elbow buried deep in my ribs would be a turn-on, but I was wrong. I am going to work elsewhere, where the staff understand my level of “awesomaucity”. In fact, I have a few offers, like “The North State Lima Bean Council”. They like my style. Until then, I spend my days as a pin monkey at the local bowling alley. They understand my greatness.

Terra_Cide, I quit. The grass is greenerer over there.

 

 

 

March 31st, 2013 by | 5 comments
FEMAELSTROM came to Home in June 2011 and never wanted to leave, even at weekly maintenance when he usually gets booted. The sand box environment appeals to the explorer in him and often is out and about as he ‘geeks’ out dressed like some sort of sci-fi character, while he people watches in popular public spaces. An artist and writer, FEMAELSTROM loves making friends and meeting people. He loves sci-fi and decorating Home estates and loves to respond “here” when people ask “where are you from?” in public places.

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5 Responses to “FEMAELSTROM has Left the Building”

  1. KrazyFace says:

    That bowling alley is gonna explode with the lady-killin’ awesomeness contained within you. I’d like to personally thank you for letting me pay you $500 a month for those Lay Em’ Fast! classes you were doing, I cant believe that it only took a single year of them to get me laid!

    You Sir, are God’s gift. Thank you for letting me speak to you (sometimes), the world shall weep in your absence.

  2. FEMAELSTROM says:

    I am God’s gift, and the world weeps in my pure awesomeness, and yes you are thankful for the words I dribbled your way, now I have to go, some kid vomitted on lane 4.

  3. ted2112 says:

    The North State Lima Bean Council has a very talented up and coming team, as far as I am concerned nobody covers Lima Beans Like NSLBC. Go easy on em Strom!

  4. Guest writers never truly leave although they may slowly fade away. Til the final fade I’m looking forward to your next article.
    You made me happy with your article. C U soon. :)

  5. Olivia_Allin says:

    mmmmmm M&Ms

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