What’s wrong with this place
by HAPPYKefka-47, HSM Overlord
Let me tell you what’s wrong with this place. It’s full of noobs! Kids in default red sweat-pants and black wifebeater tees, doing Body Pop and Ska. Texting “I have no keyboard”, as if I gave a f**k. If Sony was serious about Home, first thing they’d do is set entrance requirements, give the place some class. Noobs make me sick.
Why the hell is the profanity filter still working on this crap website? Dammit, Cubes…I’ll hack it too.
Why should I care? I shouldn’t even have to notice noobs. But Sony sucks up to them, ’cause they think someday they’ll spend some money. Get real! Noobs don’t spend money. They’re just stupid kids. They’re as likely to get their hands on a $20 PSN card as on a real-life date, instead of hitting up female-looking avatars in the Hub. Forget the noobs, Sony. It’s guys like me you want.
It’s because of noobs we have censorship. Gotta protect the children. Get real! You think some kid’ll run crying to their mommy because some avatar typed “f**k”? Those kids got bigger potty mouths than I do. They already know all those words, and a few you never heard of. You’re not preserving anyone’s virginity by spamming us with stars.
Back in the day, back in Closed Beta, we had real language. We even had open mic in Central Plaza. It was pure Troll Heaven. You could say whatever you liked, and grief whoever you wanted. You don’t like it, fine, you can leave. Who needs you anyway? Grow a pair — it’s just words. But Sony got all p***y on us and banned open mic in public. And they added reporting, so noobs could go crying to the mommy-mods and get us banned. Soon any troll worth his salt had been banned six, seven times, and had their console bricked. It was a badge of f**king honor. It showed who were the real elites.
Speaking of elite, what’s with patching all the glitches? You can’t even stand on a bench anymore. That’s what benches are for, Sony! Back then, we danced on everything — the benches, the rails, the trees, on the waterfall in the Mall. And that was just the simple stuff. The real leets were walking through walls and freezing spaces. Nobody stayed inside their apartments. If you didn’t have a couch on the roof, you were a p***y.
While we’re on the subject, where’s my f**king trophy room? How can I pwn some noob if I can’t show him my fifteen Plats all lit by spotlights? Sure, I can tell him to check my profile, but where’s the fun in that? We totally need our trophy rooms, Sony. Get with the program!
But why should I expect this place to live up to my expectations? F**k knows the real world doesn’t. ‘Cause the real world is run by noobs and p***ies, just like Home.
So you’re living your life, hanging with your friends and pwning them online nightly. Then, bang! you’re out of school and have to get a job to pay for the PSN cards. And you find yourself working with pimple-face noobs for corporate p***ies, and serving little old ladies, literal and figurative, who get their knickers in a twist if you say “You want f**king fries with that?” And then you get your ass banned, or, as we say in the real world, fired. So after a few cycles of this you tone down the rhetoric and employ, shall we say, subtle irony and sarcasm, but it’s not as much fun if they don’t know you are doing it. It’s like trolling in f**king French.
But the world gets its claws into you, despite your best intentions. It tells you to dress decent, work hard and pay your taxes, and if you want to shag a girl you better f**king marry her. So then there’s kids to feed and you better not get fired this time, buddy, cause nobody will hire you with you pathetic lack of real-world references. Which leaves weekends and evenings for gaming. Except the wife and kids want a piece of you too, so it doesn’t happen then either.
And you start to see why this place sucks, because it’s just like real life, a f**king “microcosm”, like we said back in high school when we were sucking up to the teacher. And that’s what I’m telling you — this place sucks because it’s like real life. When it could be so much better.
If I were Sony, I would leave Home to the noobs and p***ies. Patch the glitches, censor the typing, ban anyone who has the balls to color outside the lines. That’s fine — we won’t be here. We’ll be in this other place you’ll open. The place I’m going to tell you about.
PWNland — that’s what I’d call it. A new place for trolls and the leet glitchers. The people with balls and half a brain. First thing you do, is set entrance requirements. Nobody gets in without a level 5, and even that just gives you access to the kiddie section, which will be called “NoobVille” to make the point clear. You want out of NoobVille, you grow a pair and earn some f**king trophies.
Let me tell you about PWNland. There’s no censorship, unlike this piece of s**t site. You can type anything you want, and say anything you want, because the whole place is open mic. You don’t like it, tough! Go to that other place — the one that’s safe for kids you imagine, not kids like they really are. In PWNland, the Terms of Service fit on a bumper sticker. “NO P***IES.” Period. That’s all you need. The rest is natural development.
In PWNland, everything is glitchable. Every f**king thing. It’s not easy, and there’s no instruction manuals. That’s why it’s glitching — you gotta figure it out for yourself. If you feel like showing someone else, fine — knock yourself out. The real leets never tell. It’s trade secrets for them. If your glitches freeze a space, the mods of PWNland just bring it back up, so other glitchers have a chance. Real master glitchers end up on a leaderboard. Or they get a trophy. By the way, we earn trophies in PWNland. The way we should in f**king Home.
Speaking of which, everyone in PWNland has a Trophy Room. It’s part of the default equipment. But they don’t necessarily use it — they got better options. In PWNland, your PSN score is on your back, like the scores in Aurora. And you get a free companion, which is all your Plats floating behind you. However many you got. Even if it’s fifty. So you can pwn noobs just by walking past them. Man, that would be sweet!
They could do it. They could totally do it. But Sony’s run by corporate p***ies, so they won’t. It’s up to us, the doods with brains and imagination and, above all, balls, to tell them what life could be like here in Home, if they just dared. But it will never happen. Home will always be run by corporate f**king p***ies, for pimple-faced noobs. The guys with brains, guys like me, are doomed to grief and frustration. Just like in so-called real life.
What’s wrong with this place? Let me f**king tell you. What’s wrong is nobody here appreciates ME!
April 1st, 2012 by HAPPYKefka-47 | 3 comments
lulz
Too bad PWNland isn’t a real place we could send all of the trolls!They might actually learn how to behave themselves when surrounded by nothing but others of like kind. April Fools!
I agree. F**king p***ies. Oh wait…
I think I’m in lurve LOL