The Kefka Manifesto
by HAPPYKefka-47, HSM Overlord
Today something happened that’s cooler than Jason Statham, that scene from the last Rambo film, and Angelina Jolie’s right leg.
I, HK-47, have taken over HomeStation. I know — your brain now has a boner. Show it off with pride.
What kind of a name is “HomeStation” anyway? Whoooo, look at me, I’m all artsy-fartsy. Of course they could’ve called the magazine NAKED HOTTIES WITH GUNS and it would still blow. Let’s review the Zapruder film to see why HSM failed harder than your mom.
First up — NorseGamer. Prick. You know it. I know it. I submitted one of my masterpieces to him, and he rejected it because it didn’t meet his oh-so-precious “editorial standards” like they’re holy writ from Jesus. Dude, Bernie Madoff just called and said your screen name should be I_Lick_Taint for how much your sycophant arse tried to defend Sony’s illegal and immoral business practices. Now you’ve lost your precious website and we’re going to straighten things out and publish some GOOD content around here for a change, like why Home needs to give us adult animations.
Second — Terra. Total shim. There are no girls on the internet, and certainly not in Home. I tried to convince “her” to get on board with someone who doesn’t suck the donkey all day, and “she” tried to mouth off. Banned.
Third — DarthGranny is Norse’s MOM? GTFO. Banned.
Fourth — All Home Community Volunteers? Banned. Forever. Especially Jersquall. You’re like that manager at Jack in the Box who tells people to pretend they’re working when there are no customers in the store. Bunch of self-important maggots, all trying to defend the fact that you get tons of free crap from Sony and you don’t do a DAMN thing to actually listen to or help the community. You and Glass should’ve paid attention to the REAL people who help the community.
Fifth — Everyone on the HSM blacklist who was banned for so-called trolling? Yeah, that’s called FREEDOM OF SPEACH you fn communists! Your posting rights have all been restored, my friends. Go forth and spread righteous seed.
Sixth — WTF kind of content does this sad tabloid try to wipe the community’s ass with? “I’m delicate and sensitive and Home is so wonderful and btw please leave nice comments and flowers.” It’s been sixteen months of this nonstop Sandra Bullock movie on the Lifetime Channel that makes you want to go out and shart a brass-knuckle turd to punch a midget in the face with just because. Take a hint from some REAL gaming websites and talk about GAMES. If I read one more story about sharing feelings and ideas and there’s a quote from some obscure French dude that nobody has cared about for like four-thousand years imma hack your laptop and make it only show Steve Austin, Mr. Plinkett, Brazzers and photoshopped pics of Meekakitty.
It’s time for some change. It’s time to make Sony pay attention. Why bother offering “constructive” criticism when Locust and his minions don’t pay attention? Norse kept asking for people to bring solutions if they brought problems because he was covering up the FACT that Sony doesn’t have any solutions themselves. ALL criticism should be welcomed because I’m actually taking the time out of my busy day to give a rip about your sad little chat room with graphics. You don’t pay me to come up with solutions, Sony, but you frankly SHOULD be paying me to point out your problems, because only I and a few others have the clarity to show your money-grubbing lemmings how to fix this broken mess that used to have so much potential.
It’s time for a new dawn. A new era. HSM held your hand and fed you cake. Now we’re putting on our special foot-to-ass boots and setting up appointments between our feet and doods asses. “But wait, my tummy is full of cake–” but it’s too late and here comes the bootstomp to the gut and you puke up a hottie who likes to watch G4 and wears a bikini while feeding you bacon. THAT’S the guaranteed level of quality we’re bringing to the table now.
I am HAPPYKefka-47, and all your Home are belong to me.
April 1st, 2012 by HAPPYKefka-47 | 9 comments
lulz
Joke or not I HOPE YOU DIE A HORRIBLE DEATH!
This is a April Fools day. remembre that!
OMFG, I CANT STOP LAUGHING!!! WAY TO FUNNY!!!
….im on his side if he gets us male brimstone dancers. loool
You nailed the problem -- Too much cake.
Ok, Now that you are running things, can we talk about the literary standards you expect from us writers? Will there be a change in the word count or references and fact checking? Can we still use the Websters new American or do we still have to keep to Oxford?
You must write in 1337 5p34k.
Your only facts shall come from 4chan (specifically /b/)
The only dictionary you will ever use will be the Urban Dictionary.
Now stop bothering me. I’m trying to coordinate my plans for world domination.
Go dominate your piss, maggot.
You forgot to complain about Too Many Homelings.