The Troll’s Handbook: A How-To
Introduction: So you want to be a Home troll
Well, good for you, you little devil! You’ve chosen to follow in the footsteps of many who have gone before you. They are gone from Home, and perhaps PSN, but they are not forgotten. You’ll probably have some hard times ahead of you, but just remember to have fun. Your fun is what it’s all about after all, not other people’s feelings. Right? Speaking of that, it’s better not to think of other people on Home as people, after all… “It’s only a game!”
Chapter 1: Be prepared
There will be some spoilsports out there who will report you, so you must be prepared for these rats, narcs, and snitches. (In other words, the normal people, but it helps to think of them by pejorative terms.) You’ll need to make a new, disposable account. All it requires is a fake email address and breaking the Terms of Service (TOS) with Sony. (Please note, this may result in the relatively minor inconvenience of having your PS3 bricked.) Spend a moment on your appearance, but don’t make the mistake of spending any money on this account. Default clothes will work fine and if you have a few extra minutes, Sony is giving away so much clothing, you’ll hardly seem to be a noob anyway. Looking like others is key to getting close to people in order to troll them and it’s easy to fake being a decent human being for a few minutes, anyway.
Chapter 2: Goals and Target
Know your goals. Are you there on Home to just bother other people occasionally or do you mean to harass or even torture these poor innocents trying to have fun and not be disturbed? Know your target of choice. Are you after young people, gays, girls or people from other countries? All worthy choices, by the way, so just pick the type that you hate the most. Narrowing your target field is essential. After all, there are so many opportunities, but only a relatively little amount of time you can devote to acting like a monster. Once you know who your target is, go to a public space (I suggest the Hub or the Mall) and go right for them. It will be more effective if your target is with a group of friends having fun, so he or she won’t want to leave the area. And if their pain lasts longer, won’t that add to your enjoyment? Single them out and set about the merriment! Be prepared for some people to defend their friend, and you will be reported, but don’t let this deter you from your torment. It’s all in a day’s work!
Chapter 3: Techniques
There are choices to be made in how you go about this persecution. Do you want to go with the classics? Then dance right on your victim, or dance in the middle of their group of friends, facing him or her. Also, try kneeling closely in front of one of your unfortunate dupes. This can be disturbing, perverted-looking and cruel, all at once. If you’re a more subtle troll, stand right up in the their face and don’t speak. When they move, move with them every time. This is very annoying and almost a non-reportable technique, except for that pesky little “stalking” problem on the report screen.
Since the advent of personal messages, you have even more opportunities to wreak havoc and pain. I hardly need to advise the few deviants reading this what to say. Just watch out for those silly censors, so your perverted message isn’t unreadable or misunderstood as a friendly comment. Oh, and be prepared for a public response from your victim after they read your message. They will be making personal and probably accurate remarks about your upbringing.
If you’re really subtle, you can join in a general conversation in a public space, such as the Sportswalk, with a moderate remark or two before letting them really have it. Remarks about your personal habits are appropriate at this point. Try suggesting that they have the same unsavory ones that you do.
Chapter 4: Why pretend to be a girl?
There is a golden opportunity there that you will not want to miss. With the female/male ratio on Home being rather skewed you can get attention from a lot of males (mostly those who are new there) and it will be rather easy to get close to them in this disguise. Heck, they” be coming up to you! It will help to have an ID like “HotChick4U”. No one will suspect a thing. And if they do, a few remarks about you being a transvestite couldn’t hurt. Could they?
Chapter 5: Persevere
Trolling is not an activity for the weak You may want to start out small and work up to the big ticket items that will get you suspended or banned, though. This is not a job for the faint of heart, either. You’ll be causing a lot of pain out there. Remember some people have even committed suicide from bullying and persecution.
Chapter 6: A final thought
Please note it will be rare to have friendships on this account, unless you find another like-minded degenerate to hang around with. However, you will probably find this person extremely distasteful to be near.
November 27th, 2011 by Kassadee Marie | 18 comments
Home is endlessly entertaining to this California girl. Kassadee has been in Home for about four years, and loves almost everything about it (with a few notable exceptions). She spends way too much money there, and perhaps too much time... Someday she will travel the world and write about the people she meets and the places she sees.
That was a wonderfully sarcastic article Kassadee. It must have been fun writing it. The unfortunate part is all of it is true as well, there are many people (mostly bored kids) on Home who come there to take their life’s frustrations on strangers, at the cost of everyone they meet. Whenever I get a new person and they PM me, I tell them how to talk in public with the triangle button. Many times they just don’t know how and when they click on your name they see that convenient message button there. I hope they change that for us and make it so only friends can PM.
Great article as always! Keep up the good work.
Yes, it was fun and the easiest article I’ve written, so far. It seemed to flow out of my mind straight to the computer. Thank you for your encouraging words.
Even if it is written out for fun knowing that it can cause very serious harm to others in many various ways not amounting to suicides and such as well as accusations than can result in huge financial lawsuits on the innocent party.
I may take it with 1/100th of a pint of salt but others will surely hunt you down for writing this for others to follow and make a living hell for the innocent.
A thumbs down read!
I’m not sure that any trolls read this magazine, but if they do I hope they get the point that you missed. Which is that they are likely to get as bad or even worse than they give… from others, and Sony.
There was trolling before this was written and I am sure that this didn’t recruit someone that wasn’t a troll already. This was sarcastic and sardonic and on the off chance it lured someone into being a troll then their limited IQ was leading them down that path anyway. If this was viewed as a real “how to” article then I have a book on how to make money off of fools… just send me $200 and I’ll send you the book…lol
HomeStation’s biggest criticism of Home, from the beginning, has been directed at the trolls who infest it. That’s what makes Kassadee Marie’s biting satire on the subject so enjoyable to read, because it’s a very pro-community, pro-Sony article.
Under normal circumstances, Jayson, your comment would have already been deleted, if for no other reason than the utterly ridiculous hyperbole you chose to use. However, just as it sometimes takes a grain of sand to make a pearl, so your comment may be used as an example of how not to respond.
Welcome to the beautiful world of satire. Kassadee Marie wrote this article with tongue firmly and knowingly in cheek. I’ll affirm Olivia’s comment here: trolling isn’t new and it’s unlikely this won’t ‘recruit’ anyone that wasn’t already a troll.
I was going to say “Too funny” but it is too true and kinda sad but a great read and well done.
Very humourous and fun article to read. Keep up the good work.
Thanks, Orion!
A troll is a troll is a troll enough said jayson may probably be one, that is why he is bashing on kassadee’s article which is btw a really good article I had fun reading it.
Sad to say but Trolling has become it’s own art form….I personally caught the article’s Tongue in cheek tone and thoroughly enjoyed the read..To be Honest… The article not so much pokes fun at the sad commentary that is trolling…It pretty much gives trolls a taste of their own medicine in my humble Opinion!…GREAT READ KASSADEE!..
For those who have mistaken me I ain’t trolling but I was a victim of a such particular trolling maniac who went as far as to rally a group against me where I did nothing (it later got cleared up and I never saw that idiot again).
I personally visit PlayStation Home to relax and socialise but although Marie had written what she claimed for fun it may somewhat also serve as an encouragement for others to think it is okay to troll and in turn cause harm on innocent gamers like myself.
Maybe because I’m from Asia and we dun tolerate such behaviour or act them out but I sure as hell ain’t gonna be one!
I understand what you are saying. I hope that who ever reads this wonderful article knows that it is making fun of trolling not promoting it. If someone really sees it as a “how to” them they were already heading down that dark road. I think we all agree that trolling is the cancer to our virtual lives. I hope we are all on the same page, just reading it at our own pace. I don’t think you are a troll and respect your opinion, just think the communication may not have been as graceful as they could have been. But that’s how I roll…lol
Interesting read. I just see it all as one huge giant psychologiocal problem, really. But in the end, this was a great read.
Well done Kassadee! I have always wanted to Troll around Home but seem to have a problem reaching an appropriate level of Troll-ness. With this guide I think I will have NO problem being a complete and total ass!
LOL. Well done again.
Brilliantly written. Satire suits you well.
Thanks!