Noobs
by Kassadee Marie, HSM guest contributor
One day, while standing on the bench in Central Plaza and observing humanity, I thought, “What would CP be without the noobs?”
It may be a quieter and more gentle place, but not nearly as much fun. As annoying as noobs can be, they also offer hours of entertainment. Who hasn’t laughed watching a noob go from female avatar to female avatar on the bench with the same pick up line (usually a version of “hey sexy” or “sup?”). Watching the noob get failed time after time, until he wanders away from the crowd to seek, well, probably more female avatars on the dance floor. The conversations can be a great source of amusement also. They usually go something like the following:
Noob: hey sexy
Female Avatar: Go away!
Noob: y?
Female Avatar: You’re dancing on me.
Noob: so?
Female Avatar: So you’re invading my personal space.
Noob: its a game.
Female Avatar: It’s a social network and I am a real human being.
Noob: wanna be my gf?
Female Avatar: No!
Noob: y?
Female Avatar: OMG Somebody please shoot me!
Noob: y?
When they see a group of friends chatting in CP, noobs love to join the conversation. Which wouldn’t be so bad, if their comments had anything to do with the topic at hand, or didn’t take so long to get said, or were even comprehensible. And then there is the noob personal message. While I’m sure that noobs can PM something besides a variant of “hi sexy” or “u hot,” I don’t have actual proof, never having received a different message from a noob. Maybe they could switch it up once in awhile – try out “u sexy” or “hi hot”? Just a thought.
A lot of noobs end up being recruited into Home clubs called families. I assume it’s because they are inexperienced or looking for friends in any way possible, and a club seems like a built-in way to have a group of friends. While the idea of clubs on Home is great one in many ways, the idea has been perverted into mafia-style families. But you wouldn’t want to miss a noob “fam” fight in CP. They stand there, usually in the “get ready” pose and exchange the same two threats and three insults over and over. It’s really a joy to watch, sitting on the edge of your seat, wondering if there will be a different insult the next time. Wait for it… wait… wait… no, not this time. It’s the same set of asterisks and misspellings again.
There’s so little to say when it comes to noob clothing. Can you say ugly default? Can you say it over and over and over and-
While in CP, be sure not to miss the best noob of all – the fake girl noob. This noob mostly fools other noobs, but there are exceptions. Here are some ways to spot a fake girl. They will usually not bother buying female clothes, so watch out for female avatars in default clothing. Also, check profiles! Sometimes they even forget to change their sign-in avatar from a male character. While you’re checking their profiles look over the games they play. If you see a lot of sports games or war games (especially FPS) – or both – beware. Note too, that a level 0-1 trophy account is almost positively a fake account. The PS3 is a gaming console, and we do buy it to play games. Few – if any – people spend that much money just to go on Home. And, hey! Look at that ID: “steven” is not a girl. No, “she” isn’t on her brother/father/uncle/nephew’s account. Girls are actually smart enough to make their own accounts. Also, if her ID is a version of “HotChick4U,” chances are it’s a guy.
There are some guys who have been around and know their “stuff” and they are willing to spend some money on female clothes. A good rule to remember is this: the fewer the clothes “she” is wearing, the more likely it is a guy. If it matters to you, ask them to talk on a mic. Two things to remember here: one, no the dog didn’t eat her mic and two, “she” needs to say more than “Hi!” That’s his sister, and she owes him a favor.
One of the best ways to spend a few hours in CP, is standing on the bench, being asked “how u stand there.” It’s so pleasant to not only be asked the same question over and over, but to have it asked at you in such a demanding way. Obviously, these noobs are entitled to know what you know and your time while you explain it to them, over and over.
If you spend much time visiting CP, you are likely to be accosted by a noob troll. There are two main types of these noobs, with similarities. The first type is a noob gamer that wandered into Home, dressed in his “spiffy” default clothes and came into CP to make friends. Here he was accosted by people calling him “noob” for no reason that he can fathom, and being rejected by a lot of really hot -he thinks – gamer chicks. So, he turns mean and starts swearing and hating on people. This may be his one and only visit to Home. You could almost feel sorry for this type of person. Almost.
The other type of noob troll is a warped personality that actually enjoys ruining other people’s fun. He will look for ways to cause you pain. He will dance on you, find ways of making his avatar look like it is performing obscene sexual acts on yours, circle around you and your friends until you want to scream or find some other way of getting to you. That is his purpose on Home. He is looking for a “win” and good luck finding a way of thwarting him. If you move away- he wins. If you stay- he wins. If you speak to him – he wins. If you don’t speak and ignore him – he wins. Worst of all… if you report him – he wins. Why? Because this isn’t his real account and he doesn’t care if it is suspended or banned. I don’t have a joke to make about this type of noob, I just hope his PS3 gets bricked.
By the way, why do noobs run up right next to you and go into their wardrobes? I would love to hear an explanation for this.
Of course, not all noobs will behave in this manner, nor are all people who do behave in this manner are noobs. Whether they’ve been on Home a year or a dozen years, they will never rise above noob status. All the more entertainment for the rest of us.
October 1st, 2011 by Kassadee Marie | 8 comments
Home is endlessly entertaining to this California girl. Kassadee has been in Home for about four years, and loves almost everything about it (with a few notable exceptions). She spends way too much money there, and perhaps too much time... Someday she will travel the world and write about the people she meets and the places she sees.
I’m torn on this subject.
On one hand, I vividly remember stumbling through Central Plaza as a noob, no keyboard, trying to figure out what the hell was going on. I sat in the Gamer’s Lounge, default avatar in default clothing, and someone came up to me and showed me how to momentarily disappear into a wall by walking up to it and hitting the “Boo!” emote.
That one momentary kindness is something I cherish. Somebody took the time out of the day to interact with me, even though I had no keyboard and barely understood the interface. So, as a result, I tend to be very sympathetic to new users. The PS3 isn’t bundled with a keyboard, which dramatically raises the barriers to enjoying Home.
On the flip side…man, there are a lot of doorknob users out there. As this publication has stated many times, our biggest criticism of Home actually has nothing to do with Home itself, but rather a significant percentage of the people who populate it. While I think the Hub deployment will help — because gamers with no social skills will go run and play games rather than bug people because they don’t think there’s anything to do — I’m still waiting for Sony to program a facepalm emote for my avatar.
I too am at a crossroads with this topic. We were all noobs once, whether it was just for an hour or a few weeks. I remember being in the close beta for home, at that point everyone was “noobs” and had no idea what to do or even expect from PSHome.
I do know that some people do run around with what I call “throw away accounts” that they use to be jerks and troll others. I have unfortunately known people in the past who did this and they probably still do it.
Most of the time conflicts with said noobs could have been avoided. The response that you gave in your example convo is what I mean. Yeah the noob shouldn’t have ran up and danced on the girl but at same time she shouldn’t have immediately popped off on him either.
Some of the “noobs” aren’t really noobs anyways. I don’t mean the fake noobs, some people do enjoy going on home but refuse to spend money on virtual items. I do agree with that to a point, sometimes I buy virtual items but not all that often. When it comes down to it if I am going to spend money on PSN its going to be for games or addons lol. That’s just me though.
In closing, there will always be noobs as the user count on PSN grows day by day as does the users who go on PSHome. You just have to roll with it, weed out the jerks, pervs, etc.. and enjoy what time you spend online.
I never liked the word “Noob”. To Chastise someone for being new or un-experienced to a online game or platform is just another form of cyber bullying.
Well I wouldn’t call it bullying unless it goes beyond just the word, but I agree that we all need to be kind to one another, new or not. You get more flies with honey as the saying goes. We just need to remember there are people behind the avatars and treat them as you would if you met in real life.
Yes the facepalm would be nice. There are so many times when we have all had to deal with some sort of noobish behavior that was upsetting to us, or just plain dumb, but when I meet someone new I always try to be kind to them at first. Sometimes when I have had the tenth guy walk up to me in a day and say “sup”, I will just come back with a retort like “the sky” or something similar.
Part of the problem is the now keyboard thing, but I agree with Granny’s assessment that they need to change some of the preset questions and sayings. Instead of “I have no keyboard”, which is quite obvious without being said, why not “What games do you like?” Instead of “Where are you from?” (which I believe is against the rules as you are asking for personal info), why not “What do you like about Home?” These might actually start conversations that lead somewhere.
Good article Kassadee.
I wouldn’t go so far as to calling this “Cyber Bulling”. There does seem to be a class structure in Home. There are the idiots and the real nice people… I would tell u which I’m in, but I’m stuck in my wardrobe section seeing what pants match my flaming head!!
This article reminded me of another related to clothing (http://www.hsmagazine.net/2011/02/who-loves-ya-babe). I strongly believe the “Noob” title is given based on ones clothing rather than behaviour. When a avatar arrves in Home Square (im from the EU region) or Central Plaza wearing the default clothing, he/she is immediately branded as a noob -- and they have not said a word yet.
maybe its just me, but when i first came on here almost two years ago, i took a serious look at what clothes were offered me. didn’t really like the t-shirts, so went with the of shoulder top, cargo pants and runners. the last thing i wanted to do was talk to people. i wanted to get a feel for the place. see what was up. it was actually quite a while before i talked to someone, and of course, it was a ‘noob’ wanting to cyber. pffft. it just depends on your approach to home. some say its just a game, but as everyone points out, there are real people on the other end. well, those real people act certain ways in real life. so since we’re not running around shooting each other, i tend to think home leans heavily towards the social aspect, rather than gaming. so, that being said, do people run up to a group of girls and start jumping into a conversation at their local mall? probably not. or do a running man on a girl in an elevator? hmmm. doubt it. so basically what im saying is, if your in a new enviroment, such as a virtual world like home, tread lightly. be silent and put your feelers out, bucko. if not, expect the worst. sounds sad, but its like at a new school for kids. the last thing they do is run into a new unknown class and start singing out loud. just doesnt happen. think this just boils down to common sense. if they get picked on for what their doing right away, then i guess they had better take mental note and learn. zoinks