Virtual World vs. Wally World
by Olivia_Allin, HSM team writer
It has come to the point that when I get up in the morning, I list out my things to do and lay out my attack plan.
The objective is to expedite my real life duties so I can enjoy my virtual life with less guilt. Today’s list was as follows…
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1) post office
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2) bank
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3) Wal Mart
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4) laundry.
The post office is always a non event; it’s a 50-50 shot at there even being any mail. The bank is uneventful too, because I just go through the motor bank and only deal with the crackly voice of the aquarium enslaved teller and the Jetson-like vacuum capsule transporter system. Laundry isn’t ever fun, but it’s a job that doesn’t require any interaction with other humans. But Wal-Mart… this is the task I dread the most.
I will forego the speech on how I hate being financially shackled, and thus obliged to have to spend my hard earned money at a place that gets such bad press for some of its business practices. This is not the place to air those grievances. I will just focus on the act itself.
Let me jump ahead for a second and say that because of my lifestyle I get to enjoy more time on Home than your average adult. Frankly, if you don’t count the hour that I sleep, more than half my day is spent on Home and/or the PlayStation network. So, if the majority is the norm, my virtual life is my norm, not real life. That said, I find myself comparing my realities and speculating on the similarities and differences.
Zzz, Be back soon..
Back to Wally World. As I walk through the doors, I daydream of having my PS3 controller in my hand and how wonderful it would be to have some of my virtual options while I braved the retail maze. First thing I noticed was the motionless people standing in the areas most need to navigate through. Some chatting with others in front of the door like they just spawn there and were talking with friends while they waited for the store to load and people to not look like ghosts.
Others stood in the middle of already narrow isles staring down at the phone or p.d.a. transfixed and statuesque. I picture them with icons over there heads with a circle with Zs in it and the standard “Be Back Soon” status statement. I have to remind myself that just plowing through them is not an option here, and yet I am still temped to try. But fear of litigation is greater than the desire to see if they would just pivot and never notice I was there.
Suddenly my spidey senses are tingling and the fight or flight control center operator in my head is shouting “AIR RAID”. Before I duck and cover I realize that this is not a siren that triggered this false alarm but a child hell-bent on informing the entire four city block store of their extreme unhappiness. I want to join in and maybe harmonize with my own ear bending shriek of extreme displeasure but fear that this would cause a chain reaction and the result – other than the world being spun off its axis – would be that with everyone’s head tilted back screaming the air supply would be consumed faster that it could be replaced, not to mention the structural damage to the building itself. I tend to wait till I get back to my car before I scream. Again my mind flashes to how nice it would be to be able to walk over with my sixaxis real-life controller and mute and ignore the shrill, semi Doppler-affected and beet-red-faced child.
Next I notice that my shopping cart is keeping a perfect beat to some unheard or possibly drowned out house or electronica trance tune being piped in over the speakers. Best I can tell, the speakers are being forced to play an elevator version of that timeless classic (and by timeless I mean there was never a time when it was a classic) “Chain Swing.” Or is my mind playing tricks on me?
Apparently, a previous driver of the shopping cart had locked up the brakes to avoid losing control in a turn, thus flat spotting a tire. My mind points out that in Home the shopping carts make no noise and for that matter don’t carry 10,000 strands of staph germs where you have to place your hands.
While comparing my favorite virtual world to Wally World, I am relieved realizing that Wally World has no trolls. No one comes up and humps my face as I sit to try on Chinese made Chucks. No fourteen year old boys are repeatedly asking where I am from or my age. Not one perv asks me if I have a mic or a cam. But I do see more zombies at Wal Mart.
As far as fashion – and I don’t mean the products sold there, but the outfits people chose to wear – Home may be random and outlandish in the fashion department, but I swear that if I ever was voted into an office where I could make laws, I would outlaw the vast majority of the examples of spandex that people wear! Not to mention how the “under” in underwear is so vastly ignored.
There are so many other comparisons I could make, but I am now focused on checking out and poofing out of this mecca of the macabre. Longing to get home to Home where everybody sees your screen name and I can use my controller and keyboard to “control” my surroundings a little better. Maybe on my next trip I’ll buy a pair of ruby slippers that I can click the heels on and proclaim, “There’s no place like Home!”
- On sale now in the Threads isle…
August 14th, 2011 by Olivia_Allin | 15 comments
Olivia_Allin is a team writer, photographer, model, curator, graphic artist, researcher and comic relief for HomeStation Magazine; she lives in Texas with her boyfriend, and Home is more than just a game to her. Years ago she discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. On weekends, to let off steam, she participate in full-contact origami. She saw a Bigfoot once, made a sound you never want to hear twice, and was so proud of her Special Olympics gold medal that she had it bronzed. She is, in her own words, adorkable.
Fantastic article, Olivia! My trips to the Mart of Wal will never be the same…
Here is a tip to make your Wal Mart visit a little more enjoyable. Head to the drugs section and get a bottle of NyQuil. After half a bottle you are on the same level of alertness as the zombies and you can still pay for it at the check out. Don’t really do that wink wink.
Good thing I frequent “MILF MART” instead of wally world.
Do you push a cart like you race in GT5… slow and run people into the walls?
lmfao, I see your still miffed that I beat you in a Prius. Rule#1 rubbing is racin’-#2 if you aint first your last-#3 never beat your friend on her favorite track.I believe my Sodium 2 speed records speak for themselves. And yes..If I see you in Target, I’m putting you in the wall at the toy section. This way you can buy a new soap box derby race car..slo poke…
There’s a good picture book out called “Shop and Awe”. It is based on pictures of Walmart customers. I highly do recommend.
Some people that shop at Wal Mart at night dont shpw up in pictures… just saying.
That last pic looks like its straight from Home. Awesome.
I know, it really does. Hope I don’t run into one of those mech jets there. I meen it would be cool till one blasted by you and melted your icecream.
I am just sorry that the ‘powers that be’ cut out some of the more interesting pictures.
Im sure it was in the best interest of the readers… I know I can never unsee them
You and me both…
just like you can never unsee the wall..
Fun and great article Olivia! You should see me at Walmart in the middle of the nite. I go in my PJ pants and big fuzzy slippers and idc cuz im still cute in me LOL.
Wonderfully funny Olivia! Love the comparisons between Walmart and Home. I have been there many times and I have to say that I will now see it through different eyes, that and every other large grocery or retail store.The pictures are hysterical, and a bit sad as it shows how far people allow themselves to deteriorate, but I am still scratching my head on the first one. What exactly are those two doing on the floor? LOL Fun read!