Selling Ammo to My Firing Squad
by Olivia_Allin, HSM team writer
Just recently, the HSM team all got together, and brainstormed story ideas. It seemed like a normal meeting, but it was my first, so how would I know? We were on number five: Intelligent Pick Up Lines.
To me that seems like an oxymoron. Now, what happened next, I can’t explain. One after the other, people started throwing me under the bus (I have the tire tracks to prove it). It may have been unanimous, I don’t recall, because a lot was drowned out by the bus engine and the dizzy head I was getting from the bus fumes. But I know how it ended, as I’m writing about it right now.
(Actually, I found it encouraging that my fellow writers thought I could handle this.)
The assignment itself was kind of vague. Was it just supposed to be about cerebral verbal banter intended to woo? Was it to be about alternatives to “Watup,” which my response is normally, “Gas prices” (or the other classic,“Watsgud,” and my response is “Sushi, sushi is good”)?
Or was this to be about “ice breakers” that didn’t involve the ever-so-over-used, “Where are you from,” “How old are you,” “Do you have a mic or cam?”
Or was it to be about conversation starters for no other reason but to get to know someone? All I knew was researching this was going to be fraught with peril.
I set off on my research by putting on my leopard print bikini and heading to Seaside of Memories Beach, which I think that in itself qualifies me for hazardous duty pay. I intended to draw guys in and note the lines they used. Much to my surprise – and a small hit to my ego – there was only one taker. So after over an hour, I walked away with “I like pie” as my only entry.
Want pie now!
Now don’t get me wrong, I too like pie; I dare to say it would be difficult to have a strong anti-pie argument, but as far as a pick up line, ice breaker, or conversation starter it fell way short. Mainly because after I agreed that pie was a good thing, the random research volunteer only continued to repeat his Rainman-like love for pie.
Next, I headed to Central Plaza, but wisely changing before popping into that piranha tank. There I was relieved – in a weird way – that I was being approached. But it was the same old same old, nothing creative or new. Even after climbing out of the research observation blind and explaining what I was doing. I begged to hear the best lines they had to offer and the vast majority said their best opening line was “Hello.”
Now I love meeting new people on Home and I do respond to a well-timed hello, but not if it interrupts whatever I am doing at the time. Hello is not abrasive or aggressive. It is, however, somewhat lackluster and bland. Just adding the person’s screen name helps so much.
“Hello” as compared to “Hello, Olivia” is a big difference. Just the simple adding of my name shows thought and respect.
At this point I should include my blanket disclaimer. First, I am only speaking from my point of view. I can not pretend to speak for all females on Home, nor would I want to. There are some that may enjoy the “gangstah” approach, and that is perfectly alright for them. Secondly, none or this is intended to justify or coach would-be suitors on how to win the hearts of any random avatar. Thirdly, if you are reading this that means the article has been written and I do not need any more material. If you feel that need to share your best line, please add it to the comments below.
Here is an example of an ice breaker that worked on me because it was new and creative. While lurking around the big bench in Central Plaza, an avatar called out my name in all caps (already a good start). He went on about how long it had been since the last time we had seen each other and how we had grown up in the same town, but went to different schools and how he was always to shy to introduce himself back then.
I could tell what he was doing, and jumped in with both feet as we reminisced about a life we shared that both of us knew never existed but was fun to create on the fly. Anyone around us would have thought it was a real reunion and the faux details were both humorous yet believable. If I was an observer, I would have believed every word. We were playing verbal tennis and it was a very fun match. I am friends with him to this day.
I must refer you back to my disclaimer because I am about to impart some very valuable information that is not intended to betray the mystery of the sisterhood of women. Confidence is the most attractive thing a man can possess to many of us women, followed closely by a sense of humor.
But don’t confuse confidence with cocky – there is a difference.
Here is what I mean:
Cocky: “I’ll show you what a real man is.”
Confident: “At this moment, here with you, I am happily right where I am supposed to be.”
Okay, so they might not be the best examples, but you get the idea. Making a claim that is a boast and not a real goal, the cocky ones come off as self-centered. The confident statement may have been a bit mushy, but was flattering.
And don’t forget humor.
Please don’t interpret any of this as me condoning using Home as eHarmony. Yes, people do meet on Home and develop strong and lasting relationships, some even fall in love. Taking away the real life judgment of one’s physical appearance does open the opportunity to interact and get to know the person for what’s inside of them. But then again, that is only as good as how honest each person is about who they are.
And it should also be said that a person is less likely to take the time to type out their faults, so at best, you are only going to be exposed to what they want you to see. That’s why I compare finding love on Home to blindfolding yourself and body surfing the crowd in the stands at a NASCAR race. You may find love, but more than likely you will just get groped a lot and no one will confess or buy you dinner.
As for the ice breakers or conversation starters, being creative is still the best way to achieve that. “I like pie” isn’t the best, but it is still better than “watzgud” in my opinion. At least with pie you have options.
I started a conversation not long ago in Central Plaza by sitting next to someone on the bench behind the kiosk and watching the angels make their Will Smith in Hancock-like landings.
The intro line? “Did these bird ladies just forget how to fly, because they are dropping like they were shot with wasp spray, or is this a fast-acting avian flu that I should be worried about?”
Okay, so it was a little goofy, but sometimes goofy works. My point is find something that gives the other person not only a reason to respond, but an opportunity to have fun with it.
That said, here is why I called this “Selling Ammo to My Firing Squad” (all typos preserved for accuracy):
Was that an earthquake or did u just rock my world?
If I followed you home, would you keep me?
I may not be a genie but I can make your dreams come true.
You’re like a dictionary, you add meaning to my life!
Are you a magnet cuz im attracted to you?
If you were a laser, you’d be set on “stunning”.
If I told you that you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
I wish you were DSL so I could get high-speed access.
Could you please step away from the bar? You’re melting all the ice.
You fascinate me more than the Fundamental Theorem of Calculus.
Your body is a wonderland and i want to be Alice.
If this bar is a meat market, you must be the prime rib.
You are so hot Al Gore put you in a power point presentation as a cause of global warming.
Life without you would be like a broken pencil…pointless.
I don’t know if it’s igneous or metamorphic, but baby, you rock.
Can I take a picture of you, so I can show Santa just what I want for Christmas.
Let’s make like a fabric softener and snuggle.
If I could rearrange the alphabet, I’d put U and I together.
If beauty were sunlight, you’d shine from a million light-years away
I hope there’s a fireman around, cause you’re smokin’!
I’m like chocolate pudding, I look like crap but im as sweet as can be.
You’ve been a bad girl/boy. Go to my room.
If beauty were time, you’d be an eternity.
Do you have any raisins? No? How about a date?
Hey I just realized this, but you look alot like my next girlfriend.
Are your legs tired, because you’ve been running through my mind all day long.
Are you lost? Because heaven’s a long way from here.
I hope you know CPR, because you take my breath away.
Girl, you better have a license, cuz you are driving me crazy!
If you were the new burger at McDonalds you would be the Mcgorgeous!
Are you an interior decorator? When I saw you the room became beautiful.
Hello, I’m a thief, and I’m here to steal your heart.
Apart from being sexy, what do you do for a living?
Is your last name Gillette cause your the best a man can get.
I have never had a dream come true until the day that I met you.
Do you have a sunburn, or are you always this hot?
Do you know karate? ‘Cause your body is really kickin’.
Do you have a Bandaid? Because I just scraped my knee falling for you.
I hope your day is as radiant as your smile.
Turn to the girl sitting next to you at the bar and say… “I’m not really this tall….I’m sitting on my wallet.”
Are you an alien? Because you just abducted my heart.
Your so hot when i look at you I get a tan
You look so sweet your givin me a toothache.
My love for you is like the universe…neverending!!
If looks could kill you would be a weapon of mass destruction.
Excuse me, can you empty your pockets? I believe you have stolen my heart.
I don’t know if you’re beautiful or not, I haven’t gotten past your eyes yet.
What does it feel like to be the most beautiful girl in this room?
I don't always use Home; but when I do...I prefer Sully's Bar.
I’m not drunk, I’m just intoxicated by you.
Do you want to make millions? millions of babies!
Are you from Tennessee? Cause you’re the only TEN I see
Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I walk by again?
You’re so beautiful I forgot my pickup line.
I would now like to apologize to anyone and everyone that falls victim to one of these lines as a result of someone learning it here.
There are so many more, and they make more everyday. But if you use them, use them wisely and with respect. And be prepared to get shot down.
So now you have broken the ice and you made a friend. Doesn’t that feel good? As a side note, has anyone else noticed how long it that’s to say good bye on Home? Now that’s a whole other article in itself. Oh God, here comes the bus again…
July 3rd, 2011 by Olivia_Allin | 9 comments
Olivia_Allin is a team writer, photographer, model, curator, graphic artist, researcher and comic relief for HomeStation Magazine; she lives in Texas with her boyfriend, and Home is more than just a game to her. Years ago she discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. On weekends, to let off steam, she participate in full-contact origami. She saw a Bigfoot once, made a sound you never want to hear twice, and was so proud of her Special Olympics gold medal that she had it bronzed. She is, in her own words, adorkable.
I see ButtHead up there! “Hey Baby” Great write up. I loved it and yes I needed a good pickup line. I never have time to use it though lol.
As a Home Guide I walk around a lot and see the pitiful attempts at what can only be called ”OMG He did not say that” I think I have seen it all but sometimes I get a surprise just watching. Oh and don’t think it’s just the guys trying these Fancy one liners. This single strait guy has been hit on a plenty by strait and bi women and a few guys. Home has it all. and I have made some friends because of it. Point being, It all starts with a line. Hi, Hello, can I have your babies? I love home because it’s never a dull moment.
Jers
You could probably get more women (strait and bi and a few guys) if u shared you snickers.(that wasn’t meant to sound dirty if it did)
Nevahhh! I <3 my candy way too much.
I have met some very nice women but yeah. I just stay busy. Shot 3 video clips with hearitwow today for Homecast, Was a priest for a virtual wedding lol (Fake) and was a model for a different project. Gave multiple tours and did a few other things for the HCVs. Which is fun. I'm all good.
If you share your Snickers, I’ll give you Starbursts.
(Insert thinly veiled double entendre with Butterfingers and a Willy Wonka reference here)
It does amuse and bemuse me when I get a teenager proclaim, “I love you!” Or completely skip over the “Hello,” part and go straight to, “Will you be my GF?”
In most cases, I’m old enough to be their mom, for crying out loud!
I’ve flirted with -- and actually have been (for a change) cognizant that I was been flirted with -- both male and female avatars. Heck, Olivia, Sue and I flirt blatantly with each other in public. That’s a far cry from when I used to shoot people down like an AK-47 on full automatic. Not that I don’t anymore, it’s just on occasion.
Fun article Olivia! You make me glad that all of us at the magazine drove the bus over you! I knew you had it in you, you are a great writer with a wonderful sense of humor and just what this article needed to take off. Some of those pick up lines are hysterical, especially used in a Home context, but they are certainly better than “wassup”. By the way when asked that I say the sky, ceiling or heaven if I am in plaza with an angel outfit on. Keep writing girl, you are a wonderful addition to the team and welcome aboard the Magic Bus of HSM!
Hey u adorkable goober, I recognize one of those lines. I think u used one of em on me when u was spamjelly LOL Well as always, great article Olivia. So, would you care for some pie? LOL
This was very funny!!! Very much enjoyed reading it, and trying hard not to bust out laughing at my desk at work (how could one explain why they’re laughing?).
Good work and you found a great Home with terrific talent and friendships in HSM.
Keep writing!
Wonderful work very informative and true the desperation of some of the avi’s is sad I realize there are alot of lonely people out there that single and can only socialize on home But all in all they should understand we are real people treat all the avi’s you meet as such respect is the key and practicing your approach guys most girls like attention in the real world and in home:)
One thing I would like to add to this Olivia, coming from a guy and someone whom I would like to think you know a fair amount about, is that there is a subtle but important difference between home and real life. I say this because I am 100% proof that this is correct.
On home, everyone looks good, or funny, or rich, or zany because that is how they choose to look. How often we wear things bought at the store in the mall or as a free reward from home to show off our interests. The truth is every time we go on home, that is how often. In any event, our avatars are idealized and created to specifications. Who knows how old(or young) the controlling person actually is. Who knows how fat, how greasy, how awkward they are in their own skin.
On home we either attract or are attracted to people because of how the avatar looks, or maybe something as simple as the name over their head. Either way, I personally have found it much easier to talk to people on home because there is no pressure or expectations. No one sees anything I don’t choose to show them, unlike the real world where we are forced to show a certain amount about ourselves without even saying a word. Your attire, your grooming, even posture says volumes about yourself which others subconsciously pick up on.
If I were in a real bar, or mall, or real life slap happy stage show arena and everyone looked as attractive as home avatars I would definitely have a difficult time meeting people. I think my hardest obstacle to overcome is shyness, but the biggest part of that is that I am intimidated by crowds. In small groups, where it is a bit more intimate or secluded I am more relaxed. But even still, maybe I just don’t seem interesting, or interested enough to carry the conversation sometimes. On home I never find this to be a problem because I know what they look like really doesn’t matter, but what they say does.
Finally, I would like to say that while home has censors for our language, and there is a limit to the things our avatars can do, the things people do with their avatars in terms of interacting with others is far more brazen, cocky and downright rude than anyone would be in the real world. At least without being arrested or something. When was the last time you saw someone just start dancing in the middle of a group of people talking in the real world? How about seeing someone crotch stare, while down on one knee? Maybe you want to simply brush right past that person who is standing in the most inconvenient spot ever, but you will walk around or at best excuse yourself. Why because in the real world there are still consequences, home not so much. At the most extreme, you get banned and make another account.
That is the difference. I know I have said things to people on home that in the real world I would have kept to myself. And conversely in real world, stopped myself from doing things or saying things that on home would come out as fast as I could type it.
Something to remember about home, everyone is perfect until they start typing.