The Effect of a Long-Lost Friendship
by TheOtherRainMan, HSM team writer
I recently was inspired by Stryctnin’s “Weird Messages” story to go in and delete friends that…well, I haven’t talked with in forever. I figured I’d might as well; these were most likely people who were new to PSN and ultimately needed a friend to add to their list.
As I was clearing my list, I came across a very familiar name to me. It was the name of someone special: the very first friend I’d made in Home.
We met in the Mall. I was hanging around the waterfall, pondering where I was going to go that day. Should I go to Sully’s Bar and try and get a barseat? Maybe the theater; there’s always a good crowd there. What about Central Plaza? Maybe there’s the small chance they’ll choose a song other than Chain Swing.
After a moment or two of thinking about where I was going to adventure off to, I made my decision. Just as I’m about to hit the X button and head off to wherever I decided to go, the chat box caught my name.
“TheOtherRainMan. You got a totally awesome name.”
I quickly typed, “Why, thank you!” My eyes moved rapidly, looking around.
I found her standing right next to me. She was wearing a bright orange tank top, bright blue jeans, and was barefoot. We got to talking about my name, and that led to a long conversation about movies, how much going to school sucked, and ultimately we friended each other and went our ways. Before we went, she said, “See you tomorrow!”
Believe it or not, she was on the next day. And the day after that.
We often spent our time just hanging out in random places, chatting about our lives and making fun of all the boys that would come up and hit on her. I shared my experiences of applying to college while she would talk about her hatred of high school. We’d talk about shows like The Office and what we wanted to do with our lives. It was like this for a few months.
In fact, our last conversation was about college. She was discussing how she was applying to college and not being exactly thrilled about it. I gave her some words of encouragement and we parted ways.
It was after that day that she stopped logging in. The last log in date was originally one day. Then it turned to two days. Then a week. Then a month. Finally, it hit nine months. Now and then, she would log in for twenty seconds and log back out. I messaged her whenever she’d be online for those whole twenty seconds, hoping that I maybe would get a response. That small chance that the notification would show up before she logged off.
Alas, I never received a response. As those days turned into months, I began to miss our conversations and I ultimately began to feel like that I was missing a part of myself. The worst part was that I never really understood why I felt like this.
“I’ve never told anyone that”
As I began to reflect on my relationship with her, I went back to the multiple conversations we’d had. I remembered one night in which we were talking about our dreams and aspirations for life. She began to talk about one of the things she feared the most: getting stuck in a place she didn’t want to be. Naturally, I was curious, so I asked her about what she feared getting stuck in. She was hesitant, but then something happened. This would be something that would affect me to my very core.
She let it out. What she told me was a huge secret that she had never told anyone. Not even her family. Out of respect, I will not share it. Odd, though, how we can sometimes be much more revealing with electrons on a screen than we can with flesh and blood.
She had shared with me a hidden side of her, and it was then I realized why I missed her. She’d let me into her life and thought of me as someone she truly trusted. We had formed a connection on a deep level.
Last Seen Online Nine Months Ago
That is what’s under her name today. Recently, I found myself torn between deleting her and keeping her on my friends list. I want to keep it open for people whom I can talk to and socialize with on a regular basis. On the other hand, she was an important part of my life and I still have the hope that one day she’ll log back on and we can finally catch up.
As I found myself in a conundrum, I remembered how my friends list looked when I first met her.
It was empty.
Through my friend, I began to socialize more in Home. As I spent time with her, I began to socialize with tons of people. Randomly chatting up with all sorts of people, everywhere. Granted, I would never see any of these people again, but this made me a much more open person. It was this openness that would allow me to meet one of my oldest Home friends today: Kozfear.
(Editor’s note: It’s pronounced “chaos fear” instead of “cause fear” in case anyone’s curious.)
I was waiting in the Mall, and koz was having a conversation about some random film that I had seen. We got to talking with each other about movies, and from there we discussed why we’re on Home. We ultimately formed a friendship.
This leads to today, where my friends list now has over ten people with whom I talk to on a regular basis, and I now write for this publication.
“Never get behind old people.”
The recent articles about friendships in Home, coupled with my own story, showed me something recently: friendships are what make us real, virtual or not. Those relationships make us who we are today.
If it wasn’t for my very first Home friend, I would not be the social butterfly I’m known as. I wouldn’t be known as the witty member of my latest group of friends. Hell, I wouldn’t be here telling this story if it wasn’t for her.
This whole story reminded me of Up in the Air – a story about corporate ax-man Ryan Bingham (George Clooney), who for the longest time believed in not weighing oneself down – both in companionship and other “stuff.” It’s not until he meets and falls in love with Alex Goran (Vera Farmiga), a similar traveler who calls herself the female version of Ryan, that he begins to change. As she teaches Ryan the joys of love, Ryan ultimately learns the truth that she’s married — and ultimately used Ryan as an escape.
In the end, the movie shows how love is tough – it wears and tears us. But at the same time, it gives us joy and makes life better in the long run.
It’s true that humans are social creatures. We crave attention, love, and the feeling of being wanted. And it’s that craving that causes us to change, for better or worse. As time goes on, I’ll meet many, many more people who will…no, I’m not going to predict the future. I’d rather greet it as it comes.
So now then. Back to my first friend.
To delete, or not to delete?
As I finish deleting the rest of the people on my friends list, I come back to her. After a moment of reflection, I decide to keep her on. True, she may never come on again. But it serves as a symbolic gesture that she has touched my life in significant ways, and I owe it to myself to remember her.
March 19th, 2011 by TheOtherRainMan | 3 comments
TheOtherRainMan, a.k.a. Rain, is a budding filmmaker, cinema lover and video game enthusiast ever since the PS1 days. When he is not fighting off his girlfriend's evil-exes, traversing The Grid, working for the Pawnee Parks and Recreation Department, or simply soaking in the latest terrible thriller, he spends his time on Home. He is currently a team writer and videographer for HomeStation Magazine. He is also pursuing a BA degree in Radio-TV-Film at Rowan University.
He can be contacted at rainman@hsmagazine.net
Fantastic story. Thank you for sharing.
You did the right thing,it shows loyalty and that you haven’t forgotten her.Of course you could send her a message explaining that you deleted her just to make room and that you will be happy to re-add her when she returns.I constantly do that for ppl that have been off 30 days or more when i need room for some1 new.I think we all remember our 1st friend on home,they more more than likely showed us things we didn’t know how to do.I remember mine,i met Darthgranny in the old EA poker room.After talking about H.P. Lovecraft for the whole game she offered to friend 3 of us at the table.I had no idea at that time what the friends list was or how to use it but thanks to Darthgranny for taking the time to explain to me enough about it to figure it out.I had no intention of making friends with any1 on home,i was just there for the poker,but she showed me that not only could you play the game for fun but could have fun playing the game by having conversations with others.After that a monster was born and i made many friends in the poker room,so TYVM Darthgranny for getting me started on the incredible journey that home has become for me.
I’ve had the same problem but after a whole year my friend did come back online and we went back to the way it used to be. Trust me if you have hope, so will the universe.