Who Loves Ya, Babe?

by DarthGranny, HSM team writer

Men’s fashions – is it an oxymoron?  Or do some men really care how they look?

In Home there seems to be three groups:

  • Those who will wear nothing but the default clothes until they turn to rags and fall off.
  •  Those who dress to impress other guys (look at me – I’m a pseudo gangsta, a monster, an armed member of some military group, a member of a ‘fam’ who all dress alike, et cetera).
  • The smallest group:  those who dress to impress girls and get the conversations other guys only dream of.

So, if you WANT to impress the babes and get some action going in Home, how do you change your attire to become attractive?   First you have to think the way the chicks think:  a guy in all default clothing means he is either too poor or too cheap to be a good date.  Or, he is too young – toss him back until he reaches legal size.  Or, he is very new to Home and needs to know the ropes before you waste time talking to him.  You are out of luck before you even open your bubble.

A guy in teenage gear (loose jeans, t-shirt, backwards baseball cap, high-tops) is too young for any romance, unless you are a very young girl.  And we all know that the avatars that appear to be underage girls are usually undercover security guys trying to trap the unwary or fat, ugly old perverts trying to lure the male idiots who think they are getting lucky.

A guy in all military gear, usually with a weapon attached, is obviously a fighter, not some “sweet, sensitive guy who wants a meaningful relationship.” And he also appears to be dressing to impress other gamers and find kindred souls who like FPS games or war reenactments.

But the guy in the slacks, jacket, shoes – maybe even a tie – looks mature, rich, and eligible for just about anything.  Even “good” jeans and outdoor hiking boots convey that image.  Here are the male avatars I created for this article – and I created them from the viewpoint of what a WOMAN finds attractive and interesting.

(Editor’s note: no, Granny is not presuming to speak for all women. But I do hope to see a lot of fashion feedback commentary on this article…)

First – here he is looking like a noob:

SERIOUSLY NOOBIE

Female attention:  ZERO.  Unless this guy makes himself really interesting by reciting the lyrics to some of Coldplay’s songs with proper punctuation, he is not going to get any female to even look in his direction.

Unfortunately for him when he first arrives in Home, no one is willing to tell him that his ‘default’ clothes mark him as a new arrival.  He wanders around in Central Plaza because that is the location waiting for him when he walks out of the Harbour Studio apartment, bewildered, excited, and eager to find out what he has stumbled into.  So, he tries to talk to people.  And gets brushed off.  Or gets chased away.  And that’s from the nice people.  The ‘elites’ who really hate noobies can be really cruel.

STYLIN’ AND THEN SOME

So he switches to the default red sweat pants but makes them interesting by adding the animated sweater and the knit hat.  Still looks young, but at least he has enough ‘styling’ going on to make him more attractive to the ladies.

At least to the very young ladies.  But his problem (according to many many interviews conducted) is that the new clothes cost some money.  And he has no money in his account.  If he is really young, he has to go back to his parents and tell them that giving him the PS3 for Christmas was not enough.  Now they need to buy him at least a small PSN card so he can do more in Home than just get insulted.

Depending on how sympathetic, indulgent, and, hopefully, affluent his parents are will determine his budget for increasing his social standing in Home.

It will also help if he has some (free) talent in combining clothes to use some of the default clothes added to purchased clothes to make a good-looking avatar.  Unfortunately, far too many first time Home folks pick one of the pre-fab avatars – one that looks at least something like them – and then stick with it.  That’s why it is easy to see dozens of identical avatars in CP at the same time.  All in that wretched blue Home logo shirt. Or, worse yet, the blue shirt with white undershirt. God, that thing provokes a Pavlovian response from me, now.

BIG BROTHER

Next comes ‘big brother’ – definitely not looking like a default or a poverty-stricken noob.

He has added some conservatively styled facial hair (“Yes, I AM old enough to shave”) and made enough changes in the avatar face to be an individual instead of a clone.

Combine this with a polite approach, “I like those shoes you are wearing, Miss.  Did you get them in Threads?” works well because I have never met a girl who can pass up a chance to talk about shoe shopping.  His boots are color coordinated with his shirt but without looking matchy-matchy.

“Big Brother” also has a conservative tattoo that says, “I can cover this with a long sleeved shirt when I take you out for dinner at a nice restaurant.”  Note that the hair is also youthful without looking like he just got out of prison.

He has also left Central Plaza and is exploring other areas in Home.  Perhaps he has discovered in-Home games like chess at the Mall, the Reversi games at the Mui-Mui Ship, and the bowling alley.  Now he is meeting people who share his interests and will be willing to talk.

MIAMI VICE RETURNS

Now for the seriously studly look:  this guy could be the cover picture for a men’s magazine.  The other guys in Home will assume you are a homosexual, so you risk being taunted.  But the females will perceive you as a harmless version of Don Johnson in “Miami Vice” and be a lot more willing to give you a chance at a conversation, IF you use the right approach.  Tell her you look – and dress – this way in real life and you will have a conversation going.  Just ask, “Do you think these shoes are appropriate for this outfit?”

Asking an innocent question that appeals to a woman’s inborn need to make over men is a surefire way to break the ice. To quote Bill Hicks, “If Satan came down to Earth all the women would proclaim that they could change him. Don’t go there, girlfriend; you don’t know him like I do.” 

I paraded around Central Plaza in this avatar for an hour to do this photo shoot and, sure enough, no problem talking to the ladies.

He looks so much like the current TV Bachelor, I had fun asking ladies, “Will you accept this rose?”  I really felt like a cad when I had to admit I was a female reporter researching an article on men’s clothes.

So why was I reduced to doing my own modeling?  None of the other staff writers were willing, and NorseGamer ran screaming from the Press Club. Waving a silver cross in my direction.

LEATHER PANTS SAY IT ALL

Now for “Disco Danny”:  the leather pants make a statement (“I am on the prowl!”) so you have to be careful what you say first.

Try some humor:  “These pants are hot and itchy.  I need to change.  Do you think jeans or slacks would look better with this top?”

Don’t get on my case about suggesting you open a conversation with such a wussy question!  You already found out the hard way that, “What’s your name?” “How old are you?” and “Where are you from?” is totally hopeless.  If you are lucky, she is polite and just walks away.  Otherwise, you have just opened the door to some withering scorn, accusations of being a perv, and a troop of her friends surrounding you and stomping on your ego.

Try my approach.  Don’t get personal at the start.  Ask an intelligent question that a woman can relate to.  And that doesn’t mean, “How didja like playing GTA?” Women spend a LOT of money in Home buying clothes, hair, and accessories so they can look really good.  But saying something like, “That skirt makes you look HOT!” is not going to get you a good response.  What’s she going to say, “You mean I look like some skank?” Keep your opening comment to something neutral: shoes, purses, hair (“that’s a very nice hairstyle”), and accessories (“I like that rose you are carrying.  Is it new?” or “Is it true that purse cost $5.00?”).

MR. NICE GUY

Now for the “non-offensive” beach look.  Gentlemen, only a man thinks a red speedo looks good on a man.

Women make crude jokes about speedos and similar swim wear when the men are out of ear-shot. This guy looks attractive – and harmless – and single (read the shirt). A simple question like, “Have you found any new treasures underwater lately? I keep finding the same old boot,” will open a conversation with a girl on the beach – or even a group of girls.  If you have a conversational question that is non-threatening, sometimes it is easier to talk to a group of ladies than to try to approach one who is alone.

Also note that he is wearing the animated t-shirt that declares his singleness to every lady who looks.

This fellow was so successful, I had to reveal I am a female reporter in disguise and apologize to them. Ironically, many confided they had also developed a male avatar so they could go to places in Home without being pestered.

OK. I AM OLDER . . . AND LOADED.

This next guy has to be trolling for rich widows or divorcees.

A business suit in Home is about as conspicuous as a baby bump on Angelina.  But  it does make an impression:  older, sophisticated, educated, successful,  and organized,  If her mother told her to “marry a professional!” she will at least give you a chance to talk.

Opening remark: “I THINK THE HOSPITAL IS PAGING ME.”

And he looks seriously nerdy. Definitely not an appearance to terrify young maidens.  It will, however, score the most points with women over 30.  This is the look to use when you are after cougars, not sex kittens – or old tabbies if you are really desperate.  It tells everyone you are over 25 and serious and probably like to play stuff like Heavy Rain – which will definitely score you more common ground with the females than any amount of trophies won in Call Of Duty: Black Ops.

As soon as burbie52 or any of her Grey Gamer mavens spot you, expect them to zoom in to recruit you for their parties and other activities.  One really precocious 14-year old had me guessing he was 40-ish before he finally broke down and told me the truth.  I was so impressed I immediately offered to adopt him.

FISHING FOR GROUPIES (ERR, I MEAN GROUPERS)

Now for blatant male sex appeal:  The Rock Star look.  All the other guys in Home will want to either beat you to a pulp, call you names, or pointedly ignore you.

This is a strictly “on the prowl” outfit for meeting chicks. The surfer hair, long suede coat, and tight leather pants tells her that you like concealing a potato in your clothing.

You don’t have to do much in terms of starting a conversation:  a simple statement like, “Would you happen to have some hair gel I could borrow?” will definitely get a response.

It takes some courage to carry off this look and you really need to rehearse your line before you try it.  Best advice – be non-committal.  She asks, “Where are you from?”, and you answer, “You mean our latest gig?  Or the tour we are going to be doing in Europe?”  You are role-playing until such time as you decide to tell her, “I am actually a college student at this time.  I wanted to have some fun acting out one of my life fantasies before I disappear into the world of the electronics engineer.  I hope you will forgive me.  Now, would you like to hear the real answers?”

Some girls will tell you to go do something that is highly improbable in real life but at least one will stick around because she is intrigued by your imagination.  Plus, you look smokin’ hot in that outfit. I might be a grandmother, but I still have a pulse.

Now you are loaded with great pick-up lines to use, an illustrated how-to guide on how to dress for success (with the ladies), and a smirk on your face. S0, off to the Mall and BUY. Go. Away with you. It’s time for Granny’s DVR date with McDreamy. Ahhh.

February 17th, 2011 by | 15 comments
Keara is also known in Home as DarthGranny. She is a wicked little old lady with a wild sense of humor.

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15 Responses to “Who Loves Ya, Babe?”

  1. Burbie52 says:

    ROFL!!! Hysterical as always Keara! And also so true. I won’t be surprised if we see some of your one liners floating around plaza soon. That is if the newbies can find the magazine, 0.0 lol. There are so many lame comeon’s out there now it would be refreshing to hear something new. I guess some guys get it and some don’t, just like some guys have it and some don’t in real life. The gift of gab can take you a long way in life and on Home as well. Love the article!!

  2. SealWyf says:

    Speaking for myself, I don’t respond well to questions about clothing. I’ve never been a “girlie girl”. But ask me about my screen name, and I’ll talk for hours. The SealWyf is who I am. If the lady has anything over her head more unusual than “x_Janie1985_x”, ask her about it.

    If you are looking for adults, asking about their job is a good opener. It signals that the questioner is probably an adult as well, and is interested in more than game scores and whether the lady is willing to cam-chat on the first date.

    And, if like me, you are “older than the average bear” in Home, and don’t want to waste time with the youngsters, drop in some vintage references and see how they respond. I bonded with one of my closest Home friends by mentioning the Lone Ranger. It was a good guess — he’s five years older than I am. We immediately started comparing our favorite vintage radio dramas, and moved on quickly to more romantic topics. (We still laugh about the Lone Ranger, and how that masked man brought us together.)

    • NorseGamer says:

      I *love* radio drama. I used to listen to a lot of the old Lux Radio Theatre tapes when I was a kid, as well as Suspense and the Basil Rathbone/Nigel Bruce “Sherlock Holmes” radio adaptations. To this day, Danny Kaye’s performance in “The Too-Perfect Alibi” is one of the most amazing stories I’ve ever heard.

      Problem is, when I’ve tried to be a man-tramp in Home and flirt it out there, all the girls tend to run away from me when I start talking about Orson Welles’ radio adaptation of The Shadow. Norsefail.

    • macatac7 says:

      I love radio programs, even the newer ones. But my favorite are the comedy programs: Jack Benny, Burns and Allen, the Great Gildersleeves, Red Skeleton, etc. I am surprised that you didn’t mention humor in the article. If someone can make laugh it goes a long way to show me that they care more than just wanting to know about my stats. I am a sucker for a guy with a witty sense of humor.

  3. cthulu93 says:

    O-O “a potato in your clothing” lol.I can’t believe norse passed on the Don johnson look a-like segment,even his new pic looks like Don in his glory days,lol.Btw i have no idea y this works but ive seen it in action and seen its power 2 attract the ladies,its the full body cat suit.4 w/e reason the ladies melt in the hands of any wannabe casanova with this thing on,lol.

  4. NorseGamer says:

    The full-body catsuit? I must experiment with this…girls cannot resizt teh kittehs.

    (I fully admit my fashion sense is stuck in 1986…)

    • cthulu93 says:

      There r many many worse years 2 b stuck in,any1 remember the early 90s parachute pants of M.C.Hammer fame?If so u know what im talking about here in regards to worse years 2 b stuck in.

  5. cynella says:

    Great read Keara :)
    The default look always keeps me on guard, although after further conversation I have made many new friends with them. My favorite look has to be the Big Brother look.

  6. Mr_Lochwood says:

    LOL, excellent; Fun read! Maybe we will see some more fashionable nooblets trolling… erm running about now. :P

  7. Terra_Cide says:

    Interesting little fact: I have one male friend who I have never seen in a humanoid avatar. Or at least a humanoid head. He’s always donned a Frosty head, or the armless knight from Monty Python. And his recent acquisitions are the spaceship and the dog/cat suits. He definitely attracts conversation from both the ladies and the guys, and the irony is, he’s one of the least social people on Home I’ve ever met.

    So I would agree (to a degree) with cthulu. The oddball suits definitely attract attention, and you really needn’t say a word.

  8. KLCgame says:

    Gotta say I love the Don Johnson look. By the way Keara, great article.

  9. fun-gi says:

    To be honest, I find this article both disturbing and offensive… to both genders. Perhaps it’s because it reeks of the same shallow mindset that I so often see from women irl. Women who judge and decided with who’m they will engage in dialogue with based on what shoes a man is wearing that day, or the size of his wallet are just as repugnant as men who treat women solely as sex objects. They are the opposite genders equal. I have to wonder how the responses might read if this were written by a man who is categorizing female avi’s based on the how frumpy or sexy they are dressed, or the size of their avi’s chest/waist/buttocks ratio? No…I suspect it would not be well recieved at all.

    How I dress in real life or online is not even remotely connected to who I am as a person, because my attire varies from day to day accordingly.

    You see, I’m one of those Home members who dresses nothing like I do irl. In fact, you will never even see me in normal real world clothing. This article suggests that some women won’t talk to me based on that alone, which sadly, is probably true to some degree. No one on Home (even friends) have ever even seen my avi’s face, even though it looks very close to how I look irl. I’m one of those men who straps a gun to my back in Home, and it’s not to impress other FPS’s or any other type of gamer. I do it because I am a visual person… an arist. I do it because I think it looks cool, and so did the designer who created it for me to wear. To imply (as you did) that this suggests that I am a fighter and not “some sweet sensetive guy who wants a meaningful relationship” is a gross and shallow oversight on any womans part… and frankly, her loss and my gain. Ask any of my friends on Home or irl, and they will likely tell you that “sweet and sensetive” is the perfect definition of who I am.

    I also run two female avi’s. One is a complete hag, and I only use her to deter creepers who are hitting on female avi’s in Home. The other is very recent, and was only created out of boredom and some extra funds in my account. She is dressed in very cool non-conventinal clothing and has a body that makes other female avi’s look twice. She is no more indicitave of who I am irl than my male avi is, and is only as hot as she is becuase it’s much more pleasant to watch an attractive bum running around than an ugly one. I mean, this is still a virtual fantasy world isn’t it folks?

    I suppose this is one of the reasons I find Home so puzzling, and sad at times. To think that people take it so seriously that they transfer these kinds of real world shallow mind sets into the virtual experience is mind-numbing, and rather pathetic. This is a virual world folks, it’s not real. It’s people being social for the sake of being social.

    To bring real world social elitist attitudes and prejudices into Home is to undo what Home has set out to accomplish in the first place… to create a friendly and inviting place for people to meet and socialize with others, without fear of being judged based on skin colour/race, religion, political views, or monetary worth. In my mind, this article seems to want to do just that, by informing men how to dress in order to dupe women into thinking they are something they are not. To cater to those women who would judge us based on how we dress and what we can afford, or decide to buy for ourselves in Home.

    Keep in mind too, that many members of Home have neither the funds, nor the desire to spend money on clothing, apt’s, and all the other neat things that make it fun. This in no way reflects on who they are as people, or whether you should allow them to be part of your “elite inner circle” or if they are good enough to talk to. They are people just like you, and should be treated with the same respect and kindness you wish in return.

    This article would have been much more beneficial to all members if it spoke to the shallow women who won’t talk to men on Home, based on their own ignorance and prejudices. Yes, that is an article worth reading.

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