They DO Ask Questions!
![facepalm[1]](../../../../img.hsmagazine.net/2011/01/facepalm1.jpg)
By DarthGranny, HSM team writer
I sit on the bench in Central Plaza. I announce that I am there to help. Gradually, the newbies start to gather. Tentatively at first. Then the first one asks a question, “wear u frm?”. From that tiny opening comes a landslide of questions answers, friend requests, and marriage proposals.
I patiently answer each question to the best of my ability. Some questions are easy: “How do I get back to the Harbour Studio?” and some are almost impossible: “How do I get these pervs to stop hitting on me?”
Some of the questions, however, require suspending disbelief, and thinking carefully before answering. Here is a sample from a single day on the bench:
Q: Why are there no beds in the Furniture Store?
A: There are – but they are in the Sofa section. You don’t need a bed anyhow – Sony is NOT going to let you do anything in Home that would utilize a bed.
Q: Does it ever get windy in Home ? I have never seen it rain in most of Home, how do the plants grow?
A: They import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.
Q: Will I be able to see animals roaming around in the public spaces?
A: Depends how much you’ve been drinking.
Q: I want to walk from CP to Sodium- can I follow a road?
A: Sure. It’s only three thousand miles. Take lots of water.
Q: Which direction is north in Home?
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we’ll send the rest of the directions.
Q: Can you tell me how often the music selections are changed in CP?
A. Not until the Chain Swing dies of old age
Q: Can I go naked on the beach in Home?
A. Only when it is a private party for the HCVs.
Q. Is there a grocery store in Home where I can buy ice cream to put in that refrigerator?
A: No. Home is a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.
Q. Why doesn’t the Harbour Studio have a kitchen and bathroom?
A. Because your avatar can neither eat nor poop.
Q: Do you celebrate holidays in Home?
A: For months at a time.
Q: Will I be able to speak English in Home wherever I go?
A: Yes, but you’ll have to learn it first.
Q. Can we make porn movies using that Loot Camera?
A. Only if DOD will cast you for the role.
Q: Are there any baby or small child avatars in Home?
A: Not until Sony lets us get horizontal.
Q: Are those real dead bodies in CP? Can I get killed in this game?
A: Only flesh wounds
Q: Will you be my Home girlfriend?
A: Get up off your knees, kid, and we’ll talk
Q: Who are those strange people in the white Star Trek clone outfits dancing in a circle in CP?
A: A Hari Krishna group from Proxima Centauri. Don’t worry about it.
Q: I posted a suggestion in the Forum and no one ever answered.
A: They are all out to lunch. It is a long drive from Silicon Valley to the Jack-in-the-Box in Emerald City.
Q. Must my avatar look like me?
A. If that is the real you, sir, no, definitely not. Go change. Shave off 50 pounds, one inch of nose, and the appalling fashion-sense.
Q. Are the MODs and HCVs in Home all the time?
A. Yes. They are chained to their desks and fed at regular intervals.
Q. Why do so many people keep speaking in asterisks?
A. Be kind to them. They are small children still learning English.
Q. Do most girls have personal spaces?
A. Yes, and if you stop sticking your nose in them, you might get invited to one.
Q. A girl just invited me to an ‘eye cam’ chat. I need an ‘eye cam’. Can I pay with a PSN card?
A. No. And that’s not a girl, mate. That’s Jaye Davidson.
And, with that, I shall now return to Central Plaza. Feel free to respond to this article and add some of the inane, banal or jejune questions you’ve heard. New users to Home obviously face a steep learning curve, yes, but you have to admit…sometimes you wish your avatar had a “facepalm” emote. Admit it.
February 1st, 2011 by keara22hi | 23 comments
Keara is also known in Home as DarthGranny. She is a wicked little old lady with a wild sense of humor.
Q. I walked out of the Studio and into a Plaza where people are attacking. Is this always a warzone?
A. Yes, once this promotion is gone, the pervs and trolls will return.
Lol,i once said 2 u that u could write a book about the unbelievable stuff on home,im glad 2 c chapter 2 is coming along nice,lol.
It’s true. They really do ask.
Most common inquiry asked to Nosdrugis:
“What are you?”
Of course, the short response (Homeling) always leads to more questions. Am always happy to answer
Next time they ask you that Nos tell them that you are an avatar on PS Home.
I have a few answers that I give to the more regular questions that are asked. A friend of mine uses them and so do I when I am tired of them. Q: What’s up? Or in many cases WASSUP? A: The sky or if you are indoors the ceiling. Q: Where are you from? A: PS Home Q: What’s your name? A: Can’t you see it floating above my head?
Or the ever popular “wats gud”
Q. If it is always daytime in the Studio, how do you sleep?
A. Standing up
Q. Is it true that a couple had a ‘virtual’ wedding in Home?
A. Yes, and a ‘virtual’ wedding night talking asterisks to each other.
If I had a nickel for every time I saw that on on Home (and directed at me) I’d be Bill Gates’ neighbor.
Q. Sup?
A. Is that an invitation to dinner?
Ba da phhhhsssss. And that’s DarthGranny folks! She’ll be here all week…don’t forget to try the veal
Now i’m driven to join you on your next CP outing
When I get a random friend request without any interaction first, I always say… “Sorry (insert name here), I make friends not collect them. Have a seat and lets talk.” Or when asked my age I say…” I tend to not answer that question first because it may skew others answers were I to ask.”
Where you from?
I came from the Planet Krypton and got adopted by Earth parents living on a tiny island surrounded by Water that was once french invaded, but lived to tell the tale
Yes, these are funny, in the way that computer-support stories are hilarious to computer professionals. (My favorite is the time I found one of my colleagues had balanced a stapler on the backspace key, because he needed to delete several pages of text. When I pointed out that there was a way to block and delete text in a few seconds, he shrugged and said, in effect, “Oh, that’s too complicated.”)
So, yes, I’m laughing. But I feel a twinge of guilt in doing so. There is something mean-spirited in poking fun at the clueless. We were all clueless once, and if we were not quite THIS clueless in Home, there are other parts of life where we definitely are.
Hearing the real question behind a poorly-phrased query is a skill, and finding the words that break through to understanding is an art. Mastering the skill and the art of teaching (for this is what we are doing, when we answer questions) requires humility and respect, empathy, and sometimes even compassion. It’s work. But it’s worth it.
On the other hand, sometimes the best answer you can give is, “It’s complicated. Maybe you should start by talking to people here in Central Plaza, getting to know them. And it really helps to have a keyboard.”
OK, seriously, I always answer the question -- using amazing restraint and compassion -- but sometimes I joke with them, too. Nothing like a corny joke or two to ease the situation. Then others in the vicinity chime in and, voila, bunch of happy campers who are talking to each other. And we ALL answer the original question. Sometimes it really gets funny and the original querent, who is part of the fun, relaxes and learns not to take this place seriously.
Thank you. I knew I could trust you!
I find some of the questions not that stupid. The question: “I want to walk from CP to Sodium- can I follow a road?” I find perfectly valid. This is a virtual world don’t forget. Disneyworld could be right next to Mount Rushmoore! I often wondered why I couldn’t walk from space to space instead of using only the navigator. Something similar to the Red Bull beaches. Maybe from CP I can walk down a path to a mini-hub that has the transporter to Sodium (which should be a different planet not Nevada IMHO!)
The Kitchen and bathroom is valid as well since the Ghostbusters space has them. Why wouldn’t the other “Apartment style spaces” have them?
I’m 1 and 1/2 to 2 years old in Home and I really don’t know any of you or have met you in Home but there are times where I definitely feel that there’s the Home Elite and then there’s the rest of us. Being in the “rest of us” group I can tell you I am here to have fun with this and sometmes may ask questions to get honest answers because I enjoy Home. Look, like most of you, I don’t fit in in the real world and by most accounts don’t fit in in Home either, I’m just asking for a little patience from the Elites.
Mad, I wouldn’t know the answers to those questions if I hadn’t asked all of them myself. That’s why I go sit on that bench -- to help people who are just getting started -- to get them talking to the other people who are standing around there -- and to get them to ‘lighten up!’ by injecting some silliness.
So -- anytime you are looking for honest answers (and a bit of jollification), come here You are now part of this forum family -- and it is your turn to clean the garage and wash the truck.
Keara,
Thanks for the quick reply! I’m not cleaning the garage and/or washing the truck ’cause they haven’t made the damn thing for my Mansion yet! lol! I appreciate your answer and time. If we ever end up on the same CP server I will be sure to say hi and purposely ask the most inane and senseless questions that my mind can come up with at that moment! (Forgive me, text doesn’t allow for facial expressions or body language to tell you I have a dry and sacastic humor!)
MadAdam, you’ve just suggested an interesting idea for an article: how do you get to be “elite” in Home?
I think we all know who the elites are, but what did they do to get that status? I think it’s safe to say that, except for the people who are employed by Sony or the developers, you become elite in Home by doing things — writing on the Forums, organizing events, becoming an HCV, producing videos and so on.
In a world where we can all be as beautiful as we want to be, and nothing is really all that expensive, fame becomes a reward for talent and ambition and a whole lot of hard work. Please feel free to jump in and join us!
*looks sideways*
…
She said, “Join us”
*grins*
Indeed, he seems to be articulate, intelligent, and opinionated -- plus he claims to have mastered the art of sarcasm. Definitely a worthy addition to the HSM Forum.
Next he will be recruited into the Homelings, learn how to race dolphies, and win challenges for space decor. Then Norse will ‘discover’ him and he will be writing articles on the “use of obsolete dance moves to simulate fighting, sexual aggression, and expressions of boredom in Home” and another star will be born! Your future is set, MadAdam. Brace yourself for a future fending off the autograph seekers and dodging the paparazzi.
I’m sorry but I know many of you may not get the joke but when I see the pictures of Homelings I can’t help but say “Are we not men? We are Devo! Are we not men? D.E.V.O. We’re all Devo!”
I got beat up in school for liking them! One of my favorite bands.