Second Chance
By Olivia_Allin, HSM guest contributor
I first got into video games while enduring a long hospital stay. My boyfriend brought me a PS2 to help me kill some time and keep what sanity I had left. Not only did it do that, but it gave me a way out of that bed.
As Lara Croft, I could run, jump, climb and shoot.
In Gran Turismo I piloted cars I could never afford around race tracks at breakneck speeds.
Grand Theft Auto gave me a world where I could break laws and not have to serve jail time.
The list of games — and freedoms that came with them — was vast. As time marched on and my health improved, I still enjoyed my games and the life they allowed me to have. And when things got too intense in the game, or the frustration levels got too high, I could always hit reset or just turn it off completely, with no consequences. I even could find cheat codes if need be to help me get through difficult levels or just to give me the feeling of ultimate power. God, how I wished, particularly lying in that bed, that I could do those things with my real life. Hit the reset button. Punch in a cheat code. Anything.
I could not afford the PS3 when it first came out; not many of us could. But when the time came and I saved enough to splurge, I gladly rushed to upgrade to the system that made my old system obsolete. Dazzled by the graphics and massive size of the new games, it was like moving from a tent to a twenty-bedroom chateau. My virtual world was now a galaxy.
I saw a story on G4’s Attack of the Show about PSN’s new interactive social-networking environment, called Home. At first, it just seemed like it would be an interesting and improved way to chat. I thought that maybe between games I would check it out.
It took me a few months to get around to Home. At first I was overwhelmed by all the ins and outs of it. Noobie overload. I explored, I met new people, I played games and soon I was more comfortable with my new-found Home legs. Naïve as a noob could be — much like a newborn has no idea it is a baby — I had no clue how new to this virtual world I was. The learning curve was epic, sometimes exhilarating, sometimes painful and never ending.
My comfort zone became the EA poker rooms. I was amazed at the mixture of personal interaction and game play. A perfect balance of socializing and risk. I was hooked. I started letting my disc-based games gather dust. From time to time I would still play one, but my new love was making friends and stacking chips. Most of my core group of friends, to this day, all came from countless hours of back-and-forth, both on and over the poker table’s felt. The Avatards, as we aptly named ourselves, grew. Not without growing pains and the inevitable bouts of drama, some members stayed and some would go, but friendships…I can honestly tell you that lifelong friendships were made and are still being made.
So much for the brief (yes, I said brief, shush) synopsis of my life on Home. Now lets get down to the nitty gritty…my opinion of it. 
I have laughed so hard I had to turn the couch cushion over when I was done. I have stayed up all night helping a friend, or crying over a hurt I received. All of this from “living” in Home.
Like life, Home is what you make of it. With some very important exceptions. In Home, you always have your health. Your body doesn’t age on its own. You don’t taper off slowly and suffer the effects of time. You don’t have to go to work, or school. You don’t have to fight in wars or wait in lines. You don’t have to deal with politics and the agendas that come with that. You don’t pay rent. Clothing is relatively inexpensive (just don’t look in my wardrobe). You don’t have to buy food or a $7 coffee at Starbucks. There are no network news reports scaring you and telling you how bad everything is getting.
So Home, at its best, is an interesting form of freedom.
I should probably explain what put me in the hospital to begin with.
I survived a motorcycle accident that pulverized more bones in my skeleton than I thought the human body had. I was shattered. You’re familiar with the “Bionic Woman?” That’s essentially what they had to turn me into. By all rights, I should be dead. What I’m physically capable of today will never be what it once was. But I’m alive.
Modern science can only delay the inevitable, though. I’m on borrowed time, and I know it.
But, then, aren’t we all?
I said earlier that, like life, Home is what you make of it. I should say that Home is what we make of it. We have a second chance here. We can make a world for ourselves that will not slowly overheat and melt the ice caps, pump sulfur dioxide into the atmosphere, and turn our oceans into bleached wastelands. A world where people come together from all over. I know I’m naïve to some extent; I am not saying that we can achieve nirvana or zen. But we can try to come as close as possible.
Home isn’t just some gaming platform, as fun as that is.
Home, to me, IS virtual reality.
The trap of virtual reality is that its anonymity can lead people to behave worse than they are. Worse than they should be. I understand the power that anonymity allows us in Home. It’s easy to want to experiment with personality traits we don’t get to use in real life because of the consequences — but there are still consequences for anything we do. I am guilty of my own troll-like behavior. We are not perfect, and I am just as imperfect as the next person or avatar. So don’t think I’m preaching. Think of it more as hoping out loud.
Or, as was so neatly summed up in Lost Horizon, “Be KIND to one another.”
The editor of this magazine once joked with me that maybe we all have to be a little damaged, in some way, to enjoy Home. When I turn off my PS3, you now have some idea of the reality I have to face. And in my time in Home, having gotten to know a lot of very different people, I know that many of you face certain painful realities in your daily lives. Maybe it’s physical. Maybe it’s emotional. Maybe it’s economic. Whatever it is, a lot of us sign into Home to escape from something.
I use a word all the time which I feel encompasses many positive values: honor. When I was growing up, my grandfather gave me two insights: behave in a way that, when someone would speak unkindly of you, will cause them shame. And, if you believe in something strongly enough to stand up for it, do it in a stand-up way. Simple dignities which I hope we remember to extend to each other on Home, because there is a real person behind each avatar.
And for that person, perhaps that avatar is a second chance.
About the author: Olivia_Allin is a former fashion model who resides in Texas with her boyfriend. Home is more than just a game to her.
January 10th, 2011 by Olivia_Allin | 33 comments
Olivia_Allin is a team writer, photographer, model, curator, graphic artist, researcher and comic relief for HomeStation Magazine; she lives in Texas with her boyfriend, and Home is more than just a game to her. Years ago she discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. On weekends, to let off steam, she participate in full-contact origami. She saw a Bigfoot once, made a sound you never want to hear twice, and was so proud of her Special Olympics gold medal that she had it bronzed. She is, in her own words, adorkable.
You said everything that I have thought since Day 1 of Home. We all have that something. Im a loner that doesnt make many real life friends, but I have made some of the greatest friendships on Home.
I have become somewhat of a loner in real life as well.But our virtual friend are our friend even if we can get a hug physically. I have real life friends but my best friend, more like a mom, sister and BFF is on home. Sue, if you read this, I love you! She has become my family though I’ll probably never meet her face to face. I take back calling them virtual friends. They are as real as family to me, we just interact in a virtual environment. Friendship has nothing to do with how someone looks and our avatars are just visual data that we put out there to represent us. Our interacting and our emotions are what make us friends in any world.
Thank you for reading this and count me when you are counting friends.
Peace,
Olivia
all i can say is,”wow.”. i’m glad i read ur article & i’m glad that i have the privilege 2 hav u as a friend, as well. i agrred w/everything u sed & i think ur grandfather is a wise man. those r words of wisdom that everybody shld hav in their memory banks. i think that ur a very talented writer. 8)
Thank you for sharing your story with us, Olivia_Allin.
I did share a lot in that story but I didn’t really want it to be about me. I hope that the message is what stick in peoples minds not the messenger. We all have our story and reason we come to Home. I just want people to realize that this is a new world where we don’t have to make the same mistakes we did in real life. I am a happy go luck kind of girl for the most part. Don’t want anyone to come away from this feeling sorry for me! It is just my message of hope that honor will motivate us to better this gift we have been given. And by gift I mean life virtual or real… it is still ours. Thank you so much for reading this.
Peace,
Olivia
Ever since the EA poker rooms shut down, I’ve been hearing amazing stories about that place. I guess I really should learn how to play poker. lol
I hear what you’re saying, “Heed the message, not the messenger.” But without you, the messenger, the message would never be heard, would it? Unless people like you have the courage to tell their stories, those who can’t look past the mini-games and the pixels will never understand how wonderful a gift Home can be.
It’s stories like yours that convince me that Home’s true strength is, and always will be, as a 3-D social network, not a gaming platform – although the gaming aspects are wonderful in their own right. Home allows us to connect with people whom we would otherwise never have a chance to meet, yet may have a great deal in common with -- now how can any mini-game compete with that?
Like you, I understand very well what it’s like to sleep at dawn. I do hope our paths cross some day.
I am still mourning the loss of the EA poker rooms. Threads should sell a black EA arm band and we should set a day aside to recognize what a loss we all suffered. Okay, maybe not, but it was a great place and a great time.
I agree that is the social networking that makes Home home. But, the game play doesn’t really have to be a separate, stand alone thing. The poker rooms are the perfect example of that. What made those rooms so great was the balance of game play and socializing. The games were great but lacking if there was no interaction and the socializing was epic but would have been less so if the common thread that the game brought wasn’t there. I liken it to an egg. There are 3 parts to an egg, all of which make it an egg. Without one of the 3 parts it isn’t the same. Home is a hybrid and designed to be a hybrid, and by design it works very well as a hybrid. But it is the interaction in this hybrid that is what stays with you after the sun comes up and you go to bed…lol. I didn’t see or feel my stack of virtual poker chips till I logged back on. I felt and retained the laughs, fights, victories and losses and still do to this day. So yes the social side of Home is what makes it home but not an egg…lol. Did that even make sense?
This message was brought to you be the egg counsel, reminding you… The incredible eatable egg, its not just for breakfast any more…lol
With Home, it feels like we have finally reached the world of the Star Trek Holodeck. And the people who benefit most from the Holodeck are those who, for whatever reason, need an alternate reality.
HCV Jersquall has a thread on the Playstation.com Forums called “I can walk in Home.” Until I read it, I had no idea that, outside of Home, he couldn’t. He is one of many who use Home to transcend physical limitations.
Others (myself included) use Home to transcend social limitations. My friends here are a lot more diverse than the ones I have made in real life. And there are a lot more of them. Sony seriously needs to raise the 100-friend limit.
Jersquall’s “I can walk in Home” post is one of the most amazing things I’ve ever read in the Sony forum; it moved me so much that I actually quoted nearly the whole thing in the interview with him that’s in HSM Issue #1.
Like you and Cyn mentioned, I’ve also used Home to transcend social limitations. I live on an outer island in Hawaii, and I’m a workaholic; there just aren’t any social outlets in my real world that provide me with the intellectual stimulation I crave. Kinda hard to discuss the writings of Teilhard de Chardin or the artistry of Whistler’s Peacock Room with most of the people out here, as wonderful as they are.
And so Home provides me with a social life. And the people I’ve met here are fascinating. That’s what makes it all worthwhile.
Plus u can dance better on home than in real life…;)
Thank you Norsegamer for letting me say my peace. But thank you more for just being my friend!
Much love,
Olivia
Really?? The writings of Teilhard de Chardin….lets see you discuss that while your button smashing at Ratchets disco..and while your admiring the artistry of peacocks…bring back the superferry…you Kauaians think you control the universe…..
I didn’t tell the whole story and would even try. But, I was the lucky one… my best friend was racing me when a car pulled out in our path. My friend didn’t make it. The luck he had was he didn’t suffer. So I carry his life with my “second chance”. And I try to honor him by making new friends and helping strangers. We can do things on home that help others in there real life. As Denis Miller once said… “If we only help one person to better there life… that really isn’t enough is it”.
Thanks and hope I cross paths with all of you.
Peace,
Olivia
One other thought I had, Even though Home let us transcend some of our real life obstacles, it also can have obstacles of its own. I can talk to anybody about anything in real life with ease and grace. Sadly, after my head injuries I am now dyslexic. My spelling is so bad that I constantly stump spellcheckers. The verbal square dance to construct the sentence that expresses what I am trying to say in words I can spell is a constant source of frustration and very time consuming. By the time I figure out how to navigate all my verbal detours, the conversation has moved on and my input is no longer topical. My wit and its speed are never fairly represented and my I Q is bottle necked down to a trickle. Or I throw my ego aside and just try to come close. So while I do enjoy the advantages that Home has allowed me, I still am handicapped in a way. Just as an example, 12 words I wanted to use just in this post that I didn’t even get close enough for spell check to help with and it took me over 45 minutes to type this post out. And if this had been a crowded room on home with dancing people and many text bubbles I would just lock up and not been able to function. So I guess while I get to dance on Home, my words now lose a step. Still, I enjoy Home to no end and everyone seems to understand me just fine.
You’re lucky to be *alive,* Olivia. Contrasted to that reality, dyslexia in a Home public space is a minor enough issue.
Very true… and I am not complaining mind you. But it would be nice to joust wits with someone like you at the speed that they come to me and with the words that carry the subtle nuances that add a higher level to the layers of humor. Much like you do, only funny … lol…jk
Okay, now I am officially in awe of your courage and perseverance. Thank you, thank you for telling your story. I hope someday to meet you in-world.
The other night in the Bowling Alley, I overheard one of the players explaining to the others, all strangers to him, that he is retarded. The others did not know how to respond (neither would I, under the circumstances), but later, when he approached me and tried (oh so awkwardly) to make a date, I was gentle and respectful with my “No, thank you.” I hope he finds someone who values him.
You never know who you are going to meet in Home, and what that world is giving them, that they don’t have in what passes for reality.
I have made some friends with mental challenged people on Home in the past. They were just look for some friends. Sadly the abuse they had to put up with ran them off Home. There is no real way of protecting them. One of those friends wanted to be in a family so badly and when the “troll sharks” figured it out, they made him pay with PSN cards to be able to join. He did so gladly just to be excepted even though I told him that friends you have to buy are not real friends. I guess he found that out on his own but at a cost much greater than the out of pocket money. The challenges of real life don’t always stop when you come to Home. If you have a weakness that others see and can exploit, odds are that someone will… that is true everywhere though I guess. That is why I spend some of my free time while in Home at Central Plaza. I can sit in the same place and people needing help always seem to find me. I wear the “pencil sketch” outfit that I have never seen any other woman wear. It helps cut down on the trolls and it starts conversations. I answer questions about Home but more importantly, I try and help with what ever someone may be going through. Even if it is just by hearing them out and letting them vent. I get the feeling that I am coming off as self righteous but I hope not. I spend most of my time trying to have fun and make people laugh. But when I can, I try to give back to Home for all it has given me. That doesn’t make me better than anyone, it just helps me sleep… I was going to say sleep at night but I seem to always stay up all night and sleep in the morning…lol
Thank you for your comment and your good points.
Peace,
Olivia
From article to comments -- a glorious read!
Wow… thank you so much! But honor dictates that I be truthful… even though I am responding to each reply from my heart and because I am flattered at the responses…my comments count towards the comment count…lol. Just full discloser. No really I am touched that anyone would take the time to read this and even more touched that y’all take the time to reply. I am no writer and may never write again but each of you have made this a wonderful heart warming experience for me that I will alway be proud of… Thank you… thank all of you!
Hi, So i’m a bit late but wanted to say hi. Again I find another who has been to the brink and yet found their way home.
I am so wrapped up in home and enjoy it so much that I sometimes forget that Neo wakes up and has to face the world of nonpixels. but then again I am happiest in home as many others know. I’m no one special, no one who has special needs. i’m just Jersquall and thats perfectly fine by me. -smiles-
Awesome story. be sure to say hello in home. i’m sure our paths will meet.
jers
I mentioned that I use a word… some may say I over use the word… but it has never been more appropriate than now.I am HONORED that you have read my story! You may not have special needs on Home but you sir are indeed special! I choose my words very carefully just then…in deeds you are special. I must admit that I don’t read that well I had not spent much time on forums or reading posts or learning the who’s who on Home. After writing my story I have been told over and over about you and your story. Now I have read more and know that you don’t just enjoy Home but you strive to make it better. You have my utmost respect and appreciation for who you are and what you do! I understand that what we deal with outside of Home is just that… outside of Home. And I am speaking as one that is inside of Home. I find myself star struck from time to time on home. I remember meeting a Godfather for the first time when I was more of a noob than now.I curtsied and stumbled while typing, thinking I was next to some great power. I am still amazed and feel out of my class knowing that NorseGamer is my friend. And now I am fumbling around trying to explain how honored I am that you posted on my story. Before I make to much of a fool of myself, I will just say thank you again and truly hope to meet you in our Home!
Peace,
Olivia
Truly an amazing and inspirational person you are Olivia. I met Olivia in the poker rooms and we have been Avatards since.(Avatards Unite) This venue brings together people that might not ever connect in real life. I can say I was truly overwhelmed at first but now I consider myself a veteran of Home. I remember the giddiness I felt when we met NJRAMAL and DOD..I remember the nervesness of being put in a thyme out by a MOD.(even if he was in the wrong) I remember the feeling of power as I ran a “Home Family”. Now I have the pleasure of being a model with PS Talent. This place takes the phrase” the world is your oyster” to a new level. I have met some very wise people and some well…. I am truly blessed to be able to call Olivia(a true bionic woman) my BFF and Norsegame( a truly gifted orator) my friend.
I am the one that is blessed. The best part of everyday for me is spending time with xx96791DEATHxx. She is my rock! I may come off as someone that has my act together but she knows the truth because she is the one that holds me up! No one makes me laugh harder, no one can make me cry faster (from her sweet comment and concerns). If I could wish anything for the whole world to have, it would be to enjoy the honor of having such a wonderful friend! I think in pictures, and when I think of the words friend, family and love… I see her. We are two of a kind and home means so much to me because not only does it give me such freedoms but it also gave me Sue. That is the best gift anyone could ever hope for! I love you Sue!!!
I met Olivia in real life a few years ago, and I can honestly say, without her I may not be here today. When I first met her, I was going through some tough times. Here was a girl that loved to play video games, as do I. She always had the greatest advice too. She has a Zen quality about her. I have been able to absorb some of her Zen and it has had a calming effect on me and my life. PS Home gets only a fraction of just how truly wonderful Olivia is to this world. I am so very fortunate to have her in my Real and my PS Home life. Love you Sue. Avatards Unite!
Hun, you bring as much to the table if not more in our friendship. You have never let me down. Anytime and every time I have turned to you, you have been there. Anything I have ever done for you, you have given back three fold. You look out for me and I can’t thank you enough for that! Avatards Unite!
Olivia, I was very impressed with your candor. Fighting your way back from such a horrifying and devastating experience is not an easy thing and the courage and tenacity you have shown is commendable. I totally agree with your assessment of Home as a social environment and I hope as you do that the people in here come to realize that there are real people behind those controllers with feelings that can be hurt. I have helped many of my friends in here through tough times and though they might not know it they have helped me as well. Just knowing that I can come here and enjoy a good conversation ans many times a good laugh has sustained me many times. Thank you for this article, I hope it opens up a few eyes to the “reality” of HOME.
Thank you so much for your kind words… I am basically a modest person so such high praise is somewhat uncomfortable for me, but appreciated to no end. I am also hoping that the main thing that is absorbed from my writing is not that I when through some bad stuff and made it through… I had no choice and anyone would have done the same. But the message that we have in the same hands that we hold our controllers in, the chance to do it right. To make a world for ourselves and others that doesn’t revolve around building yourself up at the cost of wearing someone else down. Thats what gives me hope! My wreck happened seven years ago. And while I still have the scars and suffer on a daily bases, I still am doing better than many. I have the love of my soul mate, friends to numerous to count, a roof over my head and I need not go hungry. Add to that the enjoyment that Home brings and I conceder myself quite a lucky person! All that being said, I feel I owe it to both worlds (real and virtual) to give back and do my best to give more than I take. If that sounds a little Polly Anna then I am guilty as charged. And people like you that love Home like I do already know what I am talking about and are doing what you can to make our Home, everyones Home. You write and spread information not because you will get the Noble Prize but because you care enough to put into words what you know and think and feel so others can make better decisions, and in doing so, they have better experiences. That is a noble cause and I for one appreciate it. So thank you Burbie52! And add me to the list of people that want to meet you.
Olivia, I remember the first conversation we had you told me some of that story. It is interesting reading the more detailed version of it. There is an anime cartoon that your story reminds me of in a way. If you get a chance to watch it, the .hack series is something you may wish to watch. It is about a fictional MMORPG game, but in this futuristic game players log in virtually. They actually immerse themselves in the game, so they truly are in a virtual reality. There is one main character who is permanently trapped in the game, and the story revolves around him and the players he befriends to help him survive in this make believe world. I find it way easier to approach people in home and talk to them than in RL. I guess because there is that level of disconnect that everything I say and do is filtered through a level of surreality that gives the illusion of confidence. I feel like I can say whatever and what is the worst that can happen? While I still try to remain civilized and good natured, will completely embarass people who are deserving. I don’t suppose there is much of a point in all this, but if I had to leave one thought it would be this. Virtual reality is virtual only from a visual point. What we do on home, what we say and how we generally behave is still very much real. We are talking to real people, and having real conversations and experiences. As long as we are not superficial, since that is the trap many people seem to fall into, how we treat others is very much real.
“Virtual reality is virtual only from a visual point. What we do on home, what we say and how we generally behave is still very much real. We are talking to real people, and having real conversations and experiences. As long as we are not superficial, since that is the trap many people seem to fall into, how we treat others is very much real.”
Amen.
You Speak nothing but the truth!
Your Grandfather taught you well. It will help many noobs in their Second Chance. I loved the truth you spoke and hope people that read this article will understand how important Home is to others. Respect life, virtual or otherwise.
Ollie, I had never read or knew your history. I’m in so much agreement in what you say here. It is an extension of us and an ability to be free in so many ways. Of course I am so glad that I have come to know you and that we are friends. You are never far from a joke or trying to help others,and that is what makes you one of the good folk of home. Great read and very touching.
I would agree with you on what you said in home. This is indeed an inspiring article. Good luck in all endeavors you face.