True Blood: A Southern Fairy Tale

First of all, congrats to Stephen Moyer and Anna Paquin, who got married before tonight's episode - probably so they would be busy and wouldn't have to watch it. Kidding! Maybe.

Anyway, on with the recap:

Finally, after weeks and weeks of slow, excruciating stretching out of the smallest mysteries possible, we got answers to a number of major questions on this week's True Blood – with mixed results. Spoilers after this, natch, but it turns out:

Hey, guess what Sookie Stackhouse is? She’s a fairy!

And guess what Crystal is? She’s a were-panther!

And guess what the kid from 90210 is? He’s a dead hooker!

The last one might have been the easiest to call, what with him looking like King Russell’s poor, dear, departed Talbot, and being cast as a hooker. The way he died, though – a stake through the heart – was somehow more terrifying than pretty much any death on this show before. Hopefully Russell can work his way through the rest of the 90210 cast next.

As for Crystal, the key line of that particular storyline this week probably came from Lafayette: “Those f**kers are a whole new dimension of trash.” Realizing that the meth-heads storyline was spinning more wheels than a wheel spinning convention held next to a tire factory, the writers wisely chose to reveal what Crystal was, by having her inexplicably turn from Panther to human in front of Jason Stackhouse. And I’m gonna say, again, the panthers are way more terrifying than wolves ever were – and ever will be.

Last – or rather, thankfully, right at the top we learn that Sookie Stackhouse is a fairy. Nicely standing in for the audience, Sookie quips, “I’m a fairy? How f**king lame.” And though Bill tries to put a good spin on it, we now know we’re in for season after season of fairies prancing and jumping and living under toadstools.

Actually, I would like this one thousand times better if they all moved into a toadstool house together. Just saying.

Unfortunately, this moments of big shocking reveals (including Jason’s admitting that he killed Eggs to Tara, Hoyt telling Jessica he loves her, Arlene telling Terry about her baby, and Sam starring in the most hilarious gangster memory of all time) weren’t enough to save an otherwise slow paced and boring episode. Here’s hoping this is the calm before the storm.

Random Notes:

• “It is not your blood I love.”
• I kind of love that “gold digging whore” is untranslatable.
• Tara’s got some crazy eyes in this episode. And Jason’s hair is getting shaggy. They belong together.
• “His house was as empty as a tomb. No pun intended.” In the world of True Blood, even the news is stupid.
• I love that Terry is the one pure, good guy on the show. Don’t screw that up.
• “Blah blah vampire emergency blah.”