True Blood Pays Tribute To Monster Movies... And Sucks

Well, True Blood, somebody has been watching old monster movies, haven’t they? From the shot zooming into Ginger’s screaming mouth at the top of the episode, to the  to the Psycho shower scene tribute, to Russell’s two, over-the-top speeches to his dearly departed Talbot, scored with organ music, this episode was like a Universal monster flick, but in color. And with more tits. 

And also, it sucked.

This isn’t a vampire pun, by the way – this was easily the weakest episode of the season, as we took a break from the speedy pace and action of the past few episodes, to give our thirteen (approximately) deathly boring subplots a chance to develop before the season ends.

So what were we treated to this week other than the deadly struggle for the control of the American South’s vampire population?

• Sam Merlotte is totally crapped on by everyone, so he beats a dude up.
• Jason Stackhouse is finally romancing someone stupider than him.
• Tara is still recovering from her Franklin attack.
• Arlene still can’t tell Terry the baby isn’t his, and is taking it out on everyone.
• Lafayette is really super happy with Jesus.
• Jessica still misses Hoyt.

...Amd I’m only bullet pointing all of this because holy crap was it boring. Even poor Eric is saddled with a case of the boreds this week. After staking Talbot up the butt (still not a pun) last week, he’s treated to a very mild inquisition from the Vampire Authority. I’m all for fleshing out the world and rules of vampires on this show (because it’s murky at best), but wow this was the most boring way of doing it. Wowie wow. Wow.

There were a few exceptions to the boredom, and when they came, they were accompanied by a huge sigh of relief. Bill’s trip to glow-land was mysterious and intriguing, as was the tease that we may finally get to find out what Sookie is next episode (hint: she’s not a were-panther – that’s the meth-heads, and I’m assuming, Jesus). Franklin’s brief return was a welcome dose of crazy.

And speaking of crazy, Russell’s final speech finally amped things back up. We’ll see if they pick up on it next episode, or if we continue to spin our wheels until the season finale. Only three left, guys – make 'em good ones.

Random Notes:

• I wrote down a joke about “V-Feds” being like “K-Feds” in my notepad, and I even I was bored by it. So put one together yourself, kids!
• “All right Ms. Lady, eat your vegetables.” This is how I’m going to say goodbye to everyone from now on.
• Three seasons in, and I believe this was our first research montage.
• Seriously, I think I want to kill Crystal, she’s just the wrong type of annoying. Summer, on the other hand, is annoying in a fun way.
• I really, really hope the writers knew how funny Russell speechifying to an urn full of his dead lover’s guts was – or I’ve lost all faith in this show.