Jedi Contradictions: Vol. 2
Feature by Matthew Gretzinger, Contributing
Editor
From the Journal of the Whills, Book THX, verse 1138:
And Lo, he named George, formerly of Modesto, shall create a story set
in a galaxy far, far away and long, long ago: and he shall squeeze all
of mythology into a soup, and all of culture too; and he shall pour said
soup into a samurai helmet held by a dark father of Dutch extraction,
which resembleth an umbréd glans; and he shall, ere the womp rat spins
thrice, bring forth a new religion unto the Campbellites: and it shall
be known as A New Hope. And even as the Empire shall striketh backeth,
the Jedi shall Return; and this blue harvest will, ere it be reaped,
bring forth the Star Wars prequels. And therein shall he make
many mistakes and blaspheme against his earlier self, and many shall say
in the tops of their voices, that older George is not worthy to tie the
shoelaces of younger George; but the truly wise shall see, that in
despite of his errors, George shall be known as the maker of myths for
his time, and his glories sung with the chief bards of all the ages.
And then he shall make Howard the Duck 2. And he shall make Howard the Duck: The Special Edition, and Jeffrey Jones shall shoot
first.
Yet, the contradictions of the Force are many, and herein are
they numbered. And there will be more. For now, ponder these.
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2. That Wizard's Just a Crazy Old Man
Owen Lars is the man. That dude totally owns this whole trilogy. He
was right. He was ABSOLUTELY right. That wizard is just a
crazy old man. Go back with me now, to Episode IV. Owen and
Beru, with their moisture farms and their blue milk, were the salt of
the earth, or perhaps, the sand of the Tattooine. What's a family to do
when some old wizard comes along, telling tales about things even more
exciting than the power converters at Tosche Station. Let's put this
bluntly. Now that we've all seen all but the last episode of this epic
series, it's quite clear to anyone with a memory that Old Ben is just
plain full of it. He lies. He lies! "A certain point of view," my
weak-minded Stormtrooper! What is this old dude smoking? He's filling
Luke's head with nonsense. Even if the story he tells about
Vader/Anakin is essentially true, look at this other stuff he's trying
to sell at the moisture farm fair:
I. "Your father wanted you to have this, when you were old enough."
Yeah, right. I can't wait to see that in Episode III. Just
as Obi-Wan is about to lay the righteous Jedi smack on his wayward
Padewan, Anakin, half of his body poised over a gurgling pit of red-hot
magma, will pass over his lightsaber and say: "Please give this to my
son, when he's old enough, will you?"
II. "Go to the Dagobah system. There you will learn from Yoda, the
Jedi Master who instructed me." Uh, OK, that was actually Qui-Gon.
Even though diehard fans know that Lucas responds to this diabolical
untruth on Obi-Wan's part by saying that Yoda, as the Leader of the
Council, trained all Jedi up to a certain age, that answer
really doesn't cut the mustard. Even if Lucas' explanation is accurate,
Obi-Wan's words are misleading. A lying ghost! And Hamlet thought he
had problems.
III. "He was the best star pilot in the galaxy. And a good friend."
Well, these lines may be true, but Lucas has not been at pains to
dramatize the second part. The friendship we've seen is (at best)
strained. Even if we're seeing these two guys at their worst moments
together, you'd think there'd be some kind of chemistry if Ewan's going
to wait around on a sand planet until he's Alec Guiness just to take
care of his former best friend's kid. And it's just not there. But
this one might be an acting challenge, not merely George's faulty
plotting.
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IV. If Stormtroopers are weak-minded, as Obi-Wan proves, then so was
Jango. Or maybe they've made so many copies of Fett pere by
that time, his gene pool is so diluted you could drive a Sandcrawler
through it. How come Obi-Wan never tells Stormtroopers they don't want
to be Stormtroopers, that they want to go home and rethink their lives?
Why doesn't he use that line on everyone he doesn't like?
V. This one isn't an Obi-Wan lie, but while we're at it, who is this old dude? He doesn't look anything like Ewan McGregor. I think
he's an impostor. I think he's some crazy maniacal space hobo named Ben
who stumbled on Obi-Wan's house and just did him in, then faked being
him. That's why nothing he says makes any sense. I personally think
old "Ben" is the Talented Mister Kenobi of the Star Wars universe. "That wizard's just a crazy old man." Believe it.
VI. How come Owen doesn't recognize C-3PO? Oh sure, there's lots of
protocol droids in the universe. But only one of them sounds like
Anthony Daniels. I think a few weeks spent with the bane of R2's
existence would last forever in the memory, yet Owen doesn't seem to
know his former servant at the Jawa lineup in Episode IV. What
gives? (Again, not an Obi-Wan lie, but still - problematic.)
