Love is living the experience of another person
in all his uniqueness and singularity. —Viktor Frankl
I. WHEN LOVE IS COMPETITIVE, JEALOUSY
IS INEVITABLE .........73
II. PREVENTING JEALOUSY BY BECOMING IRREPLACEABLE .....74
A. Replaceability—Being Better Means Being the Same .........74
B. How We Might Become Singular and Irreplaceable .............75III. AUTHENTIC RELATIONSHIPS EMERGE FROM SINGULARITY ..77
IV. THE DYNAMICS OF JEALOUSY ..........................................................79
A. Which Telephone Service Will He Use? ....................................80
B. Jealousy is More than Mere Loss of Love ................................81
C. The Comparison Game ..................................................................83
D. Sexual Jealousy ..............................................................................85V. WHAT TO DO ABOUT JEALOUSY .........................................................86
VI. SUMMARY ...................................................................................................88
APPENDIX: A PERSONAL
EXPERIENCE OF
JEALOUSY ...................88
I. WHEN LOVE IS COMPETITIVE, JEALOUSY IS INEVITABLE
Thought experiment:
Close your eyes and imagine the one
you love in the arms of another.
How does this make you feel?
Is it a distressing picture or are
you happy for the person you love?
Would you be comfortable to be present?
Do you prefer to put such images
completely out of mind?
The
bitter feeling
of hurt and hostility we call jealousy
can become one of the most powerful
obsessions of human life.
Yet this emotion is a social construct—with
ancient cultural roots.
The drama built around 'the eternal
triangle' is still reinforced by
TV soap operas, popular songs, fiction,
and advice columnists.
Our belief that loving more than
one person always creates jealousy
is so ingrained in our idea of love
that few people have ever questioned it.
How unusual it would be for a television
series
to show people who were happily
involved in multiple loving,
who were loving 2 or 3 people openly,
freely—without jealousy!
But
while love
remains primarily the satisfaction of prior needs
or the fulfilling of conventional
romantic or marital roles,
when a competing relationship emerges,
jealousy is very likely.
No matter how well we satisfy needs
and fulfill expectations,
others can satisfy the same needs
just as well—or even better.
Within most 'loving'
relationships, jealousy is natural:
If we find ourselves supplanted,
traded-in for
a better model,
we naturally feel a sense of loss,
anger, grief, and betrayal.
Chapter 5 LOVING WITHOUT JEALOUSY by JAMES PARK 73
But we can
create new loving relationships immune to jealousy.
This does not mean repressing, suppressing,
or denying our feelings.
Rather, as we slowly re-create ourselves
to be more autonomous,
the basis of our love shifts from
comparable human qualities
to the appreciation and sharing of
our freely-chosen life-projects.
As our relationships arise more clearly
from our dawning uniqueness,
we are less susceptible to comparison,
competition, and replacement.
Very few
relationships have become so Authentic
that they have precluded exchangeability—and
the threat of jealousy.
We may think we have become irreplaceable
in love,
but when 'competing' relationships
emerge, we feel threatened.
However,
if we learn how to love from Authenticity,
we will rejoice when the people we
love create new relationships
because meaningful relationships
based in Authenticity
enrich the lives of those we love
without replacing us.
II. PREVENTING JEALOUSY BY BECOMING IRREPLACEABLE
A. Replaceability—Being Better Means Being the Same.
We live in
a depersonalized world in which even people
—like mass-produced objects—become
replaceable parts.
Uniformity and substitution is the
general rule everywhere.
When we seek jobs, other applicants
have the same qualifications.
When we compete for the available
partners on the 'love-market',
we know that others would make equally
satisfactory companions.
In the drama
of ordinary love, we play well-scripted roles
—complex patterns of interaction
we
have learned from our culture.
And because all the lines and moves
are well known in advance,
an understudy could easily step in
and take over our functions
—if we become too old for the part,
fall ill, or even die.
For instance, if we have been playing
the role of 'wife' or 'husband',
we can easily be replaced as a spouse.
But what if an understudy handles
the role better than the star?
Perhaps whoever fills the role best
will get the job permanently!
When we feel
the threat of being replaced in one of our roles,
we usually strive to become the best
player of that part.
Our culture says—in the job-market
as well as the love-market—
that excellence is the best
way to beat the competition.
So we compete with the others within
the accepted criteria:
We try to be the best social companions
for those we want to attract,
the best cooks, best sex-partners,
best providers,
the most stimulating and interesting
personalities
—becoming the best at whatever
'ideal' women or men provide.
But becoming
'better' than others really means being the same.
Excellence is a measure of conformity
to an agreed cultural ideal.
Jealousy is prevented not by excellence
but by irreplaceability.
74
NEW WAYS OF LOVING:
HOW AUTHENTICITY TRANSFORMS RELATIONSHIPS
by JAMES PARK
IV. THE DYNAMICS OF JEALOUSY
Jealousy
arises in human relationships because of
comparison, competition,
and the fear of being replaced.
It is easy to see why jealousy often
arises in relationships
that involve only the physical and
psychological dimensions
—because comparison and competition
are almost unavoidable
when we think of people in terms
of their bodies and personalities.
But if we become more Authentic,
we move beyond jealousy
because we love from the depths of
our self-creating uniqueness.
Chapter 5 LOVING WITHOUT JEALOUSY by JAMES PARK 79
A. Which Telephone Service Will He Choose?
The jealousy
easily aroused in ordinary ‘loving' relationships
is like the rivalry between long-distance
telephone companies.
All the companies vie for the business
of the phone-user.
They all provide basically the same
service, fill the same needs.
Thus when a customer decides to switch
companies,
the company that loses his business
to one of its competitors
feels jealous, inadequate, replaced
in the life of the phone-user.
It is worse than simply losing the
caller's business
to discover that he prefers
another telephone company.
Likewise,
two women or two men
who are competing for the affections
of the same person
present their comparable qualities
in the best possible light.
Since they see themselves as providing
the same services,
filling the same needs (companionship,
affection, security, etc.),
each must claim to perform the desired
functions better.
They exhibit and advertise their
physical and emotional qualities,
hoping to appear better than
their competitors.
But loving
on the basis of Authenticity
—appreciating others as unique, self-creating
persons,
valuing them for their singular Authentic
projects-of-being—
is not like comparing long-distance
phone companies.
Singular persons do not fill the
same needs.
They are not competing with one another
—even when limited time requires
a choice between them—
because they are not trying to
provide similar ‘loving' services.
If our loving relationships have been transformed by Authenticity
—if we
are loving as unique, irreplaceable persons—
jealousy does not arise when people we love spend time with others.
If we cannot be replaced by any rivals, no matter how wonderful,
when our lovers spend meaningful time with others,
such sharing does not threaten our relationships
—any
more than when the people we love spend time alone.
If jealousy
does not arise when someone I love wants to be alone,
why should it arise when (s)he wants
to be with someone else
—unless I am afraid of being compared
and replaced?
And if I can be compared-with and
replaced-by another person,
it means that I was fulfilling some
general function
or performing a role that
someone else could do just as well
—that I was not being loved as an utterly
unique person.
If my Authentic project-of-being
is the basis of my relationships,
I will not worry about how the people
I love spend their free time
because no matter what other relationships
develop,
no one can ever replace me.
In becoming singular, I transcend
the threat of exchangeability.
80
NEW WAYS OF LOVING:
HOW AUTHENTICITY TRANSFORMS RELATIONSHIPS
by JAMES PARK
How
to cite the above pages from New Ways
of Loving
Students and scholars are invited to quote
anything from the above pages.
Here is the proper form for the footnote or other reference:
James Park New
Ways of Loving:
How Authenticity Transforms Relationships
(Minneapolis, MN: Existential Books, 2007—6th edition)
p. xx
{the page numbers appear
at the bottom of the pages, with the footer}
Return to table of contents for New Ways of Loving by James Park.
If you would like to
read a three-page
article about jealousy, go to:
Romantic
Jealousy: Cause and Prevention
If you would like to
read other books that take this perspective on jealousy,
go to the Jealousy
Bibliography
.
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