Loving without Marrying

When two people are under the influence of the most violent,
most insane, most delusive and most transient of passions,
they are required to swear that they will remain in that
excited, abnormal, exhausting state until death do them part.

                                                           —George Bernard Shaw

A. All the Wrong Reasons.................................................. 188

B. Love.................................................................................... 189

C. Sex...................................................................................... 191

D. Security............................................................................. 191

E. Identity............................................................................... 192

F. Getting Away from Parents.......................................... 192

G. Pleasing Parents and Grandparents......................... 193

H. Enjoying the Wedding Celebration Itself.................. 193

I. Companionship................................................................ 194

J. The Desire to Raise Children....................................... 194

K. Practical Advantages..................................................... 195

L. Pregnancy......................................................................... 196

M. Conformity....................................................................... 196

A. The Priority of the Institution over the Persons.......199

B. Stagnation and Loss of Freedom............................... 200

C. Exclusiveness and Narrowing of Horizons............. 200

D. Routine Patterns—the Comfortable Rut................... 201

E. Contract and Compromise........................................... 202

IV. SOME POSITIVE THOUGHTS ABOUT DIVORCE............ 207

V. RAISING CHILDREN WITHOUT MARRIAGE...................... 208

VI. LOVING WITHOUT MARRYING............................................. 209

The Free People's Manifesto............................................ 210

When we were little,
we thought marriage was what you did
when you became a grown-up.
But now that we are older and wiser,
we realize that marriage is something that teen-agers do.
Adults get divorced! —created by the Authentic Love class.

     Marriage is one such life-shaping cultural construct.
If we were sitting on the moon, looking down on the earth,
would it make sense for earthlings to pair-up in life-long couples?
Should human beings limit themselves to one deep personal relationship?
Are we like geese and swans—driven by instinct to mate monogamously?

     Altho life-long coupledness remains a cultural 'ideal',
in fact, about half of US marriages now end in divorce
—after an average duration of about 10 years.

     Perhaps marriage served past generations well,
when the paradigm one man—one woman was an assumed value
and when reproduction was the central meaning of human life.
But will that pattern of exclusive partnership suit the 21st century?

     Contrary to popular belief, marriage was not invented by the church.
Some form of 'marriage' has been practiced by every known culture,
usually supported and sanctioned by the prevailing religions.
Even tho socially-recognized coupling has such a long history,
and even tho over 90% of Americans marry at least once,
the arrangement might no longer be the best way of life for everyone.
And the fact that "everyone gets married" does not suggest Authenticity.

     If we were truly autonomous, self-creating persons,
resisting enculturation and re-inventing ourselves,
would we voluntarily lock ourselves into life-long couples?
If we were free spirits, expecting to continue growing and changing,
why would we stop at just one committed relationship?
Even if we find very special persons to marry,
what prevents us from meeting other unique persons later?

     These questions challenge the defenders of marriage,
which seems strange, because most of us were raised assuming
that we would "grow up and get married".
If we were raised in families headed by married parents,
we supposed that marriage was the normal pattern for 'grown-ups'.

     But we need not automatically repeat the patterns of the past.
As we become more fully self-creating and self-defining,
we can invent whatever fulfilling personal relationships we want
without conforming to the traditions of matrimony.

     Many people who try conventional marriage are seriously disappointed.
Penelope Washbourn tells her personal experience:

       I was very unhappy the first week of my marriage.
  I noticed that a week after we were back from our honeymoon
  that my husband no longer kissed me as he left for work or returned.
  He was very matter of fact and busy and all the affection and
  tenderness that we had known during our engagement was gone.
  I was very bitter.
  Does it take a week, I said to myself, does it take only a week!