About 15 books criticizing marriage
(and one book defending traditional marriage)
selected and reviewed by James Park,
arranged in general order of quality, beginning with the best.
Red comments are the opinions and evaluations of this reviewer.

1. Dorian Solot & Marshall Miller

Unmarried to Each Other:
The Essential Guide to Living Together as an Unmarried Couple

(New York: Marlow & Company, 2002)       287 pages
(ISBN: 1-56924-566-1; paperback)
(Library of Congress call number: HQ803.5.S66 2002)

    This is possibly the best book about creating your own relationship
free of the rules and conditions of traditional marriage.
And it will benefit all people in loving relationships
—whether married or not, whether straight or gay.
The founders of the Alternatives to Marriage Project
interviewed several unmarried couples
and drew on their own experience and additional research
to create this comprehensive guide to dealing with
all aspects of having a committed loving relationship
that is not a legal marriage.
Over 100 people were interviewed in person,
plus several dozen more by other means of communication.

    For many couples, living together is a step toward marriage.
They can experience each other deeply before tying the knot.
Other couples see their relationship as temporary
—while it continues to be happy and meaningful for both of them.
And still other couples decide to have
permanent relationships without legal marriage.

2. E. J. Graff 

What Is Marriage For?

(Boston, MA: Beacon Press, 1999)
(ISBN: 0-8070-4114-9; hardcover)
(Library of Congress call number: HQ734.G716 1999)

     This book is a careful study and critique
of the roots and branches
of the institution of marriage as known in the Western world.
When we review the early patterns of traditional marriage,
we see how far we have already come.
Marriage has changed and it will continue to change.
The author is a lesbian in a long-term committed relationship,
which could be a marriage
if same-sex partners were permitted to marry.

     A computer search discloses
that there are over 1,000 references to marriage
(spouse, husband, wife, marriage, etc.)
in U.S. federal laws and regulations.
Graff argues it would be easier to give all these
rights, responsibilities, & privileges to same-sex couples
(if they choose to marry) as a package
than to re-write all the laws one by one
to grant all or most of these rights.

     Many Scandinavian countries
have already granted the right to marry to same-sex couples,
sometimes with a few exceptions such as
the right to be married in the state church,
the right to adopt children,
or to obtain tax-supported fertility services.
But even such exceptions are likely to be abolished.

     The United States has not adopted same-sex unions
as readily as other advanced countries,
but even we are seeing the beginning of such rights in some states.
Wherever same-sex marriage has been allowed,
no noticeable or measurable effects
have been observed on heterosexual marriages.
Thus the federal "Defense of Marriage" Act
is a complete misnomer.
It does not protect marriage in any sense.
It merely says that same-sex couples
may not have their legal marriages recognized by all states
if some states decide to grant such rights and responsibilities
without regard to the sexes of the partners.

     Marriage was originally created as a cultural institution
because of the belief that sex ought to be registered and regulated
—in large part to protect the rights of children
who often resulted from sexual intercourse.
But now even the most conservative religious groups
recognize that sex and marriage
can have non-procreative purposes.
If marriages can legitimately be directed toward sexual fulfillment,
then lesbians and gays also qualify.

     Every society ought to have laws protecting children.
But heterosexual marriage as the only context for raising children
has now largely become a pattern of the past.
Less than half of American children
live with both of their biological parents.
Adoption is permitted by single people
and increasingly by same-sex couples.
Children don't need fathers as much as they need
non-abusive, involved, caring parents.
And, of course, gay and lesbian people can be good parents.

     If we are concerned about good parenting,
perhaps we should train and license
all adults who wish to be parents.
Simply being a heterosexual couple
does not magically grant the ability to raise children.
Graff observes that many of her gay and lesbian friends
are becoming parents
—by taking over the parenting of children born to one of them,
by adopting children already alive, or by artificial insemination.
Experience shows that these children of gay couples
do not become gay any more often than the general population.
And the quality of the parenting
shows the same range as for heterosexual couples.

     The church and the state have long struggled
over who controls marriage.
In the West the state has basically won the battle
to register marriages.
But some churches still insist
that their regulations are paramount.
However, in ever-increasing numbers even heterosexual couples
are deciding to avoid legal, state-defined, marriage
and are creating their own
more personal and flexible relationships.

     In the Middle Ages,
when the Church controlled the definition of marriage,
it sometimes took years to get a decision
about the validity of a particular purported 'marriage'.
In the meantime people kept having babies
and changing their relationships.
To help clear up this chaos of private marriages,
beginning in the middle 1700s various governments in the West
established rules for the creation and registration of marriage.

     In frontier America,
it was hard to enforce rules about marriage,
so common-law marriage was also recognized:
If a couple held themselves out to the public as married,
by virtue of being together for a certain number of years,
they were legally marriage.

     In places like Ireland,
which only recently recognized divorce and remarriage
because of the eternal opposition
from the Roman Catholic Church,
people were ending their unsatisfactory marriages
and going on to create new couples and new groups of children
without involving either the state or the church.

     The first feminist movement in the United States
was very critical of the marriage laws of the time,
which granted all property rights
and control of the marriage to the husband.
These laws have largely been modified
to allow women to own property in their own names,
to run their own businesses,
to refuse to have sex with their husbands, to get divorced, etc.
Both in law and in practice,
couples are now able to create their own patterns of marriage.
And more and more couples are demi-married
because they do not fulfill all of the requirements
for an official legal marriage in their jurisdiction.
So why can't same-sex couples
define their committed relationships as marriage?

     Given all the changes in marriage customs and laws
that have already happened,
it seems likely that soon same-sex couples
will be allowed to marry.
Men and women are equal in most modern marriages.
The man no longer owns the woman.
Why should society and law prevent two men or two women
from marrying each other?

     Graff says that she falls in love with women
as easily as most women fall in love with men.
So it seems entirely natural to her
to insist on all the rights of marriage,
not some watered-down version called "domestic partnership".

     No history of marriage could be complete
without an account of divorce.
The Roman Catholic Church has long tried to enforce
the one-marriage-for-life rule.
But most civil laws now recognize
the possibility of changing partners.
Each jurisdiction has its own rules and regulations for divorce,
many focused on the rights of children
and the economic rights of the former partners.
When same-sex partners are permitted to marry,
they also will need the protection of divorce law.

     What is marriage for?
It reflects the deep commitment of two adult persons.
If so, two adult persons of the same sex can qualify.

(New York: Doubleday/Random House, 2000)       260 pages
(ISBN: 0-385-50085-8; hardcover)
(Library of Congress call number: HQ536.W33 2000)

    This book is not critical of traditional marriage.
But it is included in this bibliography for contrast.
The authors are out-spoken advocates of traditional marriage.
They attempt to argue—mostly on the basis of statistical evidence—
that married people have a better life than non-married people.

    Waite and Gallagher are critical
of what they refer to as the post-marriage culture,
in which marriage seems to be optional.

    Traditional marriage is a legal, public commitment,
which grants many rights and privileges
and which imposes specific limitations.
Debts and income belong to the married couple.
They are sworn not to have sex with anyone else.
They promise to stick together thru thick and thin
—until one of the partners dies.

    Often marrige includes a religious dimension.
And this sometimes requires one of them to change religions. 

    In several chapters, the authors argue that married people
have a much better life than people who are not married.
Married men spend less time drinking and chasing women.
Their wives encourage them to take better care of their health.
They keep more regular hours.
They have good reasons for living.  
 
    The authors note the danger of mixing the cause and the effect:
Perhaps men who were already healthier, happier, & wealthier
had a better chance of getting married
than men who were unhealthy, unhappy, & poor.
Just putting miserable people into the institution of marriage
is not going to make them instantly healthy, happy, & rich.
   
    In most surveys, married people report that they are happier
than when they were unmarried.  
But this does not correlate with the known fact
that 50% of spouses eventually get divorced.  
Perhaps married people do not want to admit
their unhappiness—even to themselves—
until they decide to end the relationship.  

    The authors offer data that supports their beliefs about marriage.
And none of the data counts against traditional marriage.
This suggest selecting data to prove a preconceived 'conclusion'.  
   
    If you read this book, you will be able to say to yourself
that at least you have read one book
that attempts to support and defend traditional marriage.
And then you might conclude with this reviewer:
Case not proven. 

4. Lenore J. Weitzman

The Marriage Contract:
Spouses, Lovers, and the Law

(New York: Free Press/Macmillan, 1981)       536 pages

    A careful examination of the tradition and laws behind marriage,
suggesting ways in which relationships could be structured better.
This book lists all the issues
that should be addressed in a relationship contract
and suggests some possible provisions,
with examples from real contracts.

5. Bertrand Russell 

Marriage and Morals

    A ground-breaking book about relationships between the sexes.
Takes a rational and unconventional look at the traditions of marriage.
Argues for freedom in relationships rather than dead duty.
Russell practiced what he preached, changing relationships frequently.

6. Carl Rogers

Becoming Partners:
Marriage and its Alternatives

(New York: Delacorte, 1972)       243 pages

    This book consists mostly of interviews with ordinary people
who have normal problems in their loving relationships.
Rogers is open to rational experimentation with new forms of marriage.

7. William J. Lederer & Don D. Jackson

The Mirages of Marriage

(New York: Norton, 1968)       473 pages

    Full discussion of marital problems and solutions.
Recommended for anyone who wants to examine his or her marriage.

8. Bernard Murstein

Love, Sex, and Marriage Through the Ages

(New York: Springer, 1974)       639 pages

    A comprehensive survey of marriage practices world-wide,
from ancient to modern.

9. Nena & George O'Neill

Open Marriage

(New York: M. Evans, 1972)       286 pages

    A seminal book for its time, which encouraged many people
to re-examine their "closed marriage contracts"
and some to open themselves to other meaningful relationships.

10. Lawrence Casler, PhD.

Is Marriage Necessary?

(New York: Human Science Press, 1974)       249 pages

    A comprehensive examination of the origins, reasons,
problems, & alternatives to traditional marriage.
Reasons: economic survival, sex, procreation, instinct,
love, religion, security, companionship, & social pressure.
Problems: widespread unhappiness & difficulty in raising children.
Casler also examines the reasons for having children
and suggests some alternative ways of raising children:
group homes, collective responsibility, & professional parents.
Alternatives to marriage: open marriage, group marriage,
child-free marriage, trial marriage, term marriage,
3-generation families, communes, & free relationships.

    Altho the book sometimes gets utopian,
it should give all readers food for thought.

11. A. Alvarez

Life after Marriage:
Love in an Age of Divorce

(New York: Simon & Schuster, 1981)       269 pages

    Interesting stories about marriages that ended in divorce,
including the author's first, foolish marriage.
Changes in social attitudes toward divorce.
Scandinavian "paperless marriages".

12. Bernard I. Murstein, editor 

Exploring Intimate Life Styles

(New York: Springer, 1978)       302 pages

    A dozen papers and articles on non-normative relationship styles:
open marriage, communes, swinging, group marriage, living together,
singlehood, homosexual relationships.

    Mostly these are reports on what has been rather than what might be.

13. Cynthia S. Smith 

Why Women Shouldn't Marry

(Secaucus, NJ: Lyle Stuart, 1988)       223 pages

    A breezy, entertaining, outspoken book
encouraging women to keep their freedom
instead of succumbing to the traditional pattern of wedlock.
Discourages both first and second marriages.
Lots of examples of people in bad marriages
and women loving their freedom and independence.

14. Edgar W. Butler

Traditional Marriage and Emerging Alternatives

(New York: Harper & Row, 1979)       465 pages

    A standard college text based on printed materials.
Some of the alternatives discussed: extra-marital relations,
swinging, non-marital unions, expanded families, group marriage,
communes, & homosexual relationships.

15. Susan Braudy 

Between Marriage and Divorce:
A Woman's Diary

(New York: Morrow, 1975)       252 pages

    A very personal account of how an 'ideal' marriage became boring.
Experimenting with sex with a variety of men.
Emotional scenes of conflict.
Many typical problems of love.
A woman trying to find herself as a person and as a writer.

[near last]. James Park

"Loving without Marrying",

Chapter 10 of New Ways of Loving:
How Authenticity Transforms Relationships
(Minneapolis, MN: Existential Books, 2007—6th edition)     364 pages

    This chapter examines one-by-one
the most common reasons for getting married :
love; sex; security; identity; getting away from parents;
pleasing parents and grandparents;
enjoying the wedding celebration itself;
companionship; the desire to raise children;
practical advantages; pregnancy; & conformity.

    Your screen will display the first two pages of this chapter
—which includes the outline of the chapter—
if you click these blue words—>"Loving without Marrying" .

    If you would like to see the whole table of contents of
New Ways of Loving:
How Authenticity Transforms Relationships,
click that blue title.

[last]. James Park

Designer Marriage:
Write Your Own Relationship Contract

(Minneapolis, MN: Existential Books, 2010)       192 pages
(ISBN: 978-0-89231-571-0; paperback)
(Library of Congress call number: KF529.P37 2010)

       This book is structured around 28 open-ended Questions, in six areas:
(1) living arrangements; (2) promises; (3)children;
(4) income & expenses; (5) assets & debts;
(6) insurance, retirement, & death.
The discussion of each Question begins with the default Answer
—how this Question is answered by traditional marriage—
and then proceeds to suggest some more creative Answers.

    If we want a relationship beyond conventional marriage,
we will create our own special ways of answering each Question.
And if we put our Answers into writing,
we will have our own relationship contract.
Every on-going relationship already has implicit Answers.
Might reviewing (and perhaps revising) our Answers
lead to a better relationship?