Masculinity/Femininity:

II. THE GENDER-PATTERN CHART: DESCRIBING WHO WE ARE ...131

III. FROM CONVENTIONAL GENDER-PATTERNS
        TO FREELY-CHOSEN PERSONALITIES ........................................135

IV. CONVENTIONAL GENDER TRAITS COME FROM CULTURE ....136

V. 'LOVE' AS A GAME OF GENDER-PERSONALITIES .......................138

VI. BECOMING MORE AUTHENTIC
        CHANGES OUR GENDER-PERSONALITIES ................................140

VII. LOVE BASED ON AUTHENTICITY TRANSCENDS
        CONVENTIONAL GENDER-PERSONALITIES ..............................143

VIII. RAISING ADMIRABLE CHILDREN ...................................................144
 

I. THE DYNAMICS OF GENDER

    Our first personalities were formed by childhood socialization.
And because our sexes were the first facts noted about us,
if we were girls, we were enculturated to be conventionally 'feminine'.
If we were boys, we were enculturated to be conventionally 'masculine'.
These conventional gender-personalities are so assumed
in some cultures that they seem natural to everyone.
Girls naturally grow up with conventional 'feminine' personalities.
Boys naturally grow up with conventional 'masculine' personalities.

    In adolescence, peer-group expectations are especially powerful
in shaping gender-personalities, because peer-approval is more important
than pleasing one's parents, teachers, or other adults.
Each group of teen-agers tends to dress, talk, behave, and think alike.
Any deviation from the norm draws negative comments.
And young teen-agers socialize mainly in same-sex groups:
boys "hang out" with boys; and girls "hang out" with girls.

    Organized, competitive team sports is an activity
that helps to make soft baby boys into macho men.
Sports often reinforce the following regrettable 'masculine' traits:
tough, combative, belligerent, violent, boastful, proud, hierarchical,
aggressive, competitive, and concerned about muscles and body-image.

    The military life often creates similar regrettable traits:
macho, tough, hard, stoical, hard-hearted, sadistic, cruel, coarse,
crude, combative, belligerent, rash, foolhardy, violent, destructive,
unemotional, ruthless, punitive, powerful, forceful, willful, competitive,
militaristic, hierarchical, demanding, rigid, coercive, aggressive,
loyal, lost in abstractions, dogmatic, ideological, patriotic,
& preoccupied with mechanical things—the toys of war.

     The fashion industry reinforces regrettable 'feminine' traits:
submissive, subordinate, deferential, passive, meek, weak, vulnerable,
fragile, artificial, superficial, ornamental, sweet & innocent,
frivolous, flirtatious, coy, smiling, sexually passive,
& concerned with 'feminine' identity and beauty.

     But once we understand how our culture has been shaping us,
we can take charge of our own personalities and re-create ourselves.
For example, the study and appreciation of the fine arts
can help us to become more subjective, spiritual, sophisticated,
poised, artistic, expressive, refined, and gracious.
We can also become more subjective by cultivating
our inward feelings and thoughts—organizing them better.
We grow toward becoming more deeply persons of spirit
by spending significant time dealing with subjective, inward matters.
We become more sensitive by interacting with other people
in ways that call upon us to notice how others are feeling,
to draw out their thoughts and help them to express themselves.
We increase our sensitivity by reading sensitive authors.

     We become more intelligent by exercising our power to think,
by reading serious books, having important discussions,
and by writing down our new insights and further questions.
In short, we learn to think by thinking.
Later we might look back on our prior thoughts as simple-minded,
but our earlier thoughts had to come before more advanced thinking.
The library is a good place to improve our intelligence
and to re-organize ourselves around our own projects and purposes.

     The popular mass media provide mostly regrettable role-models.
And much popular music tends to be anti-social—protesting everything
and reinforcing both sets of regrettable traits:
'Masculine': sloppy, noisy, loud, crude, self-centered, & vulgar.
'Feminine': clinging, fawning, jealous, hysterical, & capricious.

     But in every generation there are some good role-models,
embodying the admirable traits listed on the Gender-Pattern Chart:
'Masculine': providing, protective, fatherly, autonomous, & active.
'Feminine': affectionate, refined, gracious, intuitive, & gentle.