VIII. RAISING ADMIRABLE CHILDREN
Parents shape the first personality of every
human being.
But some parents have been laboring under the mistaken assumption
that gender-personalities come as package deals,
which would mean that if we want boys who are stable, independent,
committed, organized, reliable, realistic, rational, & intelligent
(some admirable characteristics from the Gender-Pattern Chart),
we also have to accept regrettable ‘masculine’ traits such as:
cruel, noisy, crude, impulsive, violent, destructive, &
self-centered.
But if we think carefully, we note no
essential connection between
being autonomous & enterprising and being dominant &
controlling.
Just because all of these traits are conventionally associated with men
does not mean that a man cannot be industrious without being
brutal.
We can raise admirable children of either sex
if we envision
the personality
characteristics we want for them.
Instead of automatically reinforcing
everything ‘feminine’ in girls,
we can be selective,
giving them positive feedback for being tender,
friendly, self-confident, compassionate, cooperative, & nurturing
(some admirable ‘feminine’ qualities from the Gender-Pattern Chart)
while at the same time discouraging them from being needy, passive,
submissive, timid, dependent, moody, petty, whining, & complaining.
When these personality traits are listed one
by one,
we see that there is no reason that encouraging girls to be gentle
will also tend to make them dependent and weak.
If we are thoughtful, enlightened parents, we
can mark the traits
on the Gender-Pattern Chart we desire in our children.
Most of us will find our ideal children described by the
attributes
close to the middle of the chart—and not necessarily on either
the ‘masculine’ side for boys or the ‘feminine’ side for girls.
As we carefully consider the
personalities we desire for our children,
we will probably avoid the extremes of the Gender-Pattern Chart.
If we have tried to re-shape our own
personalities,
we know which forms of enculturation to avoid for our
children.
And we know some useful ways to help children develop toward
greater sensitivity, subjectivity, self-confidence, & creativity.
If we honor and value the inwardness that happens in all of us,
then such deep awareness and originality will grow and flourish
instead of disappearing because such capacities were not valued.
Watching sports on television will encourage a
certain personality.
Working cooperatively with others will encourage different traits.
Every day of child-rearing is composed of such choices.
Thoughtful parents will
select activities that shape wonderful children.
144 NEW WAYS OF LOVING: HOW AUTHENTICITY TRANSFORMS RELATIONSHIPS
by JAMES PARK
Created
3-27-2009; Revised 2-28-2017;
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James Park New
Ways of Loving:
How Authenticity Transforms Relationships
(Minneapolis, MN: Existential Books, 2007—6th edition)
p. 144.