Yesterday, England’s King and Queen in exile, David and Victoria Beckham, gave birth to a baby girl and promptly named her Harper Seven Beckham. The couple’s pre-existing brood had unusual names (Brooklyn, Romeo and Cruz), but not completely terrible ones. That changes with the birth of their first daughter, whom they saw fit to name after a number.
As dopey as naming your kid Seven is, it barely registers when it comes to some of the other facepalmingly dumb names celebrities have named their children over the years. We’d sympathize with some of these famous offspring, but we have a strict policy about never feeling sorry for people much, much richer than us:
- Apple Martin – Everything Gwyneth Paltrow does is infuriating, but naming her kid Apple was much worse. Unlike self-aggrandizing lifestyle websites about how wealthy she is, this actually affects the life of a presumably innocent child. Also, in typical Paltrow style, the actress thinks that the name is something profound and meaningful, telling Oprah, “It sounded so sweet and it conjured such a lovely picture for me – you know, apples are so sweet and they’re wholesome and it’s biblical – and I just thought it sounded so lovely and...clean! And I just thought, 'Perfect!’” We’d need another article to unpack all the idiocy in that statement.
- Pilot Inspektor Lee – Remember Jason Lee? We went from raving about him in Kevin Smith movies, to accepting him in My Name is Earl, to having absolutely no idea that he was starring in something called Memphis Beat. While all that was going on though, he also decided to name his son Pilot Inspektor. Don’t get it twisted, though, the name’s some kind of reference to the indie rock band Grandaddy, so it’s not just merely stupid, it’s also pretentious and irritating. Lee’s a Scientologist though, so what do you expect.
- Audio Science Clayton – Shannyn Sossaman was (and presumably still is) a stone cold fox. But, like a lot of quirky teenage girls, she swapped out some letters in her totally oppressively normal first name to better reflect her totally alternative personality, transforming Shannon into Shannyn. But that kind of behavior is a slippery-slope which results in people growing up to give their children names like Audio Science. The whole thing’s made worse by the fact that instead of being consoled by an über-famous mom, poor little Audio Science is stuck with the girl who got railed and puked on by a townie in The Rules of Attraction.
- Prince Michael Jackson II – It’s a testament to just how absolutely apeshit bananas Michael Jackson was that his naming his son Prince Michael Jackson barely registers as crazy. Running out of wacko ideas and naming his second son Prince Michael Jackson II though, well... that’s just full-on nuts. And as if that wasn’t enough, The Prince of Pop nicknamed the poor kid Blanket. At least neither of them are actually Jackson’s kids.
- Jermajesty Jackson – After a life led in the shadow of his more talented and more crazy younger brother Michael, Jermaine Jackson finally stepped up to the insanity plate in 2000. It was that year that the singer’s second son was born and named Jermajesty, which sounds like Jermaine’s own name as filtered through Tyler Perry’s Madea. No confirmation on this, of course, but we’re going to go ahead and assume the kid was conceived after a particularly emotional evening spent at a Chitlin’ Circuit venue.
- The Zappas. All of them. – Frank Zappa is known for being a wildly creative musician, but unfortunately, he allowed that creativity full reign when it came to naming his four children. The first kid to suffer Frank’s whimsy was daughter Moon Unit Zappa, which is too absurd to even comment on. Next up was son Dweezil, though his birth name was Ian Donald Calvin Euclid as a result of the hospital rightfully refusing to register the kid with Frank’s name for his wife’s pinky-toe. Next up is Ahmet Emuukha Rodan Zappa, which sounds like a Muslim foe of Godzilla’s. And finally, how could we forget poor Diva Thin Muffin Pigeen Zappa.
Of course, this list doesn’t even begin to cover all the crazy-ass names celebrities have given their kids. Tell us about your “favorites” below!
