Thanksgiving Fails

One of the worst things about cooking turkey is that you probably don't own a roasting pan big enough to fit the entire bird. So you go to the grocery store and buy one of those cheap disposable aluminum jobbies, and then once the damn thing's been roasting in its own juices for six hours, you delicately remove it from the oven only to discover that the heat has basically melted the pan to the consistency of a Bounty paper towel. And then the floor happens.

You may feel the desire to get a cake specially made for Thanksgiving to commemorate the occasion. You may even want to depict a cute cartoon turkey on it. Here's a gentle reminder: seen from the front, a cute cartoon turkey resembles an erect penis more than a little bit. I mean, not that there's anything wrong with serving your family a sweet erect brown penis at the end of a meal. I'm not prejudiced or anything. Just keep it in mind.

Alaska Governor and erstwhile Republican vice-Presidential candidate Sarah Palin has made a gaffe or two in her day, but one of the funniest came around Thanksgiving time when she undertook the traditional symbolic act of "pardoning" a turkey set to be killed. This is always a fun photo-op for politicians looking to get some airtime, but Palin's aides didn't stage the shot too well - as she was dispensing mercy to one bird, viewers could clearly see others being ruthlessly slaughtered in the background. Oops.

The thing about a turkey is, when you strip away all the gravy and holiday cheer, it's just a big dumb bird. Case in point: this intense automobile accident that occurred a few years ago just outside of Yantic, Connecticut. Lost and confused, a wild turkey flew over the 395 North and blasted headlong into some poor schmuck's car. The driver miraculously only suffered mild lacerations from the bird's beak as it kissed the windshield. No reports on whether they took it home and ate it, though.