Over-The-Top Local News Scares

It's kind of hilarious that juggalos are the new thing that scares the living crap out of old people. And, of course, when old people get scared, they call the local news. This Las Vegas news segment gets pretty hilarious towards the end, once the phrase "ICP denies that they are cult" gets thrown around. And, of course, the cops are heard from.

Of course the forces of 4chan and Anonymous would draw the attention of local news programmers working to make their viewers increasingly paranoid about the world of the Internet. This Fox Los Angeles report is one of the greatest misinformed exposés ever, featuring classic footage of a van blowing up and several victims of trolling speaking under the condition of anonymity. It's a laugh riot.

Kids get up to dumb crap - that's kind of the whole point of being a kid - but this hilarious Minnesota exposé on "sack tapping," the practice of jamming your bros in the junk as hard as you can, is a laugh riot. Opening up with a poor kid who lost one of his nuts from a particularly wicked tap, this rolls on to reveal that the whole family is moving to a different town to escape the shame.

Let's hop in the DeLorean and zip back to 1991, the year the first Mortal Kombat dropped. Even then, concerned parents were flipping out about their little ones seeing pixelated blood on their Super Nintendo machines. The reporter's commentary is great, especially when she talks about the game having "real martial arts actions." Yes, this is just the pinnacle of realism.

Okay, you think you've seen a slow news day? Let's think about the situation that would inspire a news station to devote valuable air time to grainy video footage of a blue "ghost" at a Parma, Ohio gas station. It's obviously a blue plastic bag blowing around the parking lot, but God forbid we don't cover this extremely important story during prime news reporting time.

Let's continue our journey into the realm of the paranormal with the horrifying tale of a broom... that stands up. In Prattville, Alabama, a consignment store waiting to open was haunted by a blue plastic broom that stood unsupported in the middle of the floor. Why? Science has yet to provide an explanation. This is apparently the kind of thing that's a big damn deal in Prattville.

Fox News takes on new technology again, this time with the newly-released Nintendo DS and its horrifying wi-fi connection ability. Obviously, this means that pedophiles are going to use their DSes to find your children and touch them in horrendous ways. This segment breaks down the awesome parent-scaring tools that local news channels deploy with such effectiveness. Dramatic music, creepy re-enactments and, of course, a pink DS to really hammer it home.

Explaining anime to people over the age of 40 is kind of like explaining quantum physics to a dog. How else do you reason with the quizzical puzzlement of these two local news anchors trying to make heads or tails over a kid tragically killed while imitating a scene from Naruto? "The images are disturbing" and apparently when a group of kids decided to imitate "sand ninjas" and one suffocated in a foot-deep sandbox, it's not the fault of the kids for being idiots or the parents for not paying attention. It's that dadblamed anime!

For as long as there has been snow, there have been people using that snow to make sculptures of giant penises. But leave it to the news geniuses at WLFI in Lafayette, Indiana to get down to business and narc on the naughty dudes making big ol' frosty dongs. The sheer amount of blurring technology used in this brief report is something to behold.

This clip, reporting on alleged leprechaun sightings outside of Mobile, Alabama, has rightfully become a legend in the field of local news. What possible reason is there to go talk to these people? There is obviously no leprechaun. How does this qualify as "news" in any way, shape or form? And yet, here we all are, chasing the end of the rainbow.