If there's one animal that is obviously the pinnacle of predatory evolution, it's the shark. Literally everything about it is ideally suited for killing and eating as much as possible. Their durable skin slices through the water like a knife, their multiple rows of teeth continue to grow, their incredible ability to sense food swimming by becomes more and more heightened - everything contributes to their murderous mastery. Well, except for these least threatening sharks, who are just embarrassing.
The Least Threatening Sharks
The shark is the greatest predator the ocean has ever seen. Never sleeping, always eating, a living missile of cartilage and muscle, run into one and you'll regret it. Unless it's one of these least threatening sharks.
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By K. Thor Jensen September 2, 2011 |
Credit: Hanna Barbera
| 11 | Jabberjaw |
One of the seemingly endless litany of Hanna-Barbera animal characters with rock bands that solved mysteries, Jabberjaw was a Great White shark with a serious problem - he never ate anybody. How's that for one of the least threatening sharks ever? He also talked with the voice of Frank Welker doing his best Curly from the Three Stooges impersonation. With his band, the Neptunes, he knocked out bubblegum pop in the flooded undersea future of 2076.
Credit: TNA
| 10 | Shark Boy |
I'm sure that Dean Roll, the masked wrestler known as Shark Boy, could probably kick my ass in a fight, but when you put him up against a real shark, he comes off as one of the least threatening sharks. Shark Boy has been enhancement talent for over a decade - he was getting his ass kicked on WCW Saturday Night back in 1999, for God's sake. If you don't make your name in wrestling after ten years, it's time to give it up and go to work at Office Depot.
Credit: Eyeshot Productions
| 9 | S. J. Sharkie |
Okay, if S.J. Sharkie was any kind of self-respecting Selachimorpha, this picture would be followed by a gout of blood and crunching noises coming from where this woman's head used to be. Alas, the mascot for the San Jose Sharks has lost his instinct for bloodlust, and now he's one of the least threatening sharks. A particularly humilating moment in Sharkie history came in 1999, when the mascot attempted to rappel from the ceiling of the HP Pavilion. He got tangled in the ropes and the game was delayed two excruciating hours while he was rescued.
Credit: Discovery
| 8 | Kenny The Shark |
You've probably never heard of Kenny The Shark, because you don't watch Discovery Kids. I don't even know where that is on the channel guide. Once you get over 700 or so I start getting scared. Anyways, Kenny is a tiger shark who gets bored of living in the ocean and moves in with an 11-year-old girl and her family. What a wacky situation! Needless to say, he never bites anybody in half and scatters their entrails across the lawn. Least threatening shark ever.
Credit: Photobucket
| 7 | Greg Norman |
Plenty of athletes have "The Shark" as a nickname. But of all of them, the absolute least threatening shark is golfer Greg Norman. Sure, he's very good at walking around on the lawn with a bunch of other old dudes and hitting a little ball with a funny-shaped stick, but does that get you the nickname of the apex predator of the seven seas? Apparently Norman is called "The Great White Shark" because he's tall and he has blond hair. Whatevs, man.
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