How to Have a White Trash Christmas

The white trash world has no beta-males, so sorting out a family's top dog can get a little sticky, especially around the holidays when everyone's drunk and collected under one roof.

Luckily, Mel Gibson and Gary Busey have an answer. On Christmas morning, spray the front yard down so it gets all muddy and let all the males beat the holy hell out of each other until only one is left standing. He gets to cut the Christmas possum.

Organic food and beverages are all the rage now. Don't think the white trash world hasn't noticed. They've been doing it organic since before it was cool.

Making organic eggnog is easy, and the result tastes far better than anything you can buy at the store. Simply find a cow and feed it copious amounts of bourbon. Then, just before it passes away, milk that sucker for all it's worth into a bucket pre-filled with heavy whipping cream.

Word to the wise: when that cow does die, you'd be a fool to leave behind such a well-seasoned liver. Them's good eats.

Your kids wish they could meet Santa. Unfortunately, you don't have enough gas to drive them to the mall. But you can give them the next best thing.

Go out hunting and bag nine deers. Take them home and cover their carcasses in tinsel and electric lights. Choose one to be Rudolph. You'll have to cut this one's nose off and somehow shove a flashlight up in there. Once you're done, create a Christmas tableau in the driveway so the kids can see it as they get dropped off the short bus. They'll never forget it.

Christmas is that special time of year when the tree growing through the middle of your trailer can finally serve some sort of function. Get all your best ornaments out, and decorate that sucker!

Don't have any ornaments? That's easy. Just crush all your beer cans and give each its own fishing hook. The tree growing through your trailer has no branches? Grab a hammer and nails. You can have the most festive home in the courtyard in no time!