Vitals
- Products: Jersey Shore
- Genres: Reality
- Air Date: December 3, 2009
- Network: MTV
- Notable Characters: Snooki, The Situation
Many of you were safely snuggled in your hermetically sealed beds last night, and might have missed the generational atom bomb that was dropped on the network formerly known as MTV. Ladies and gentleman, the Guidos are among us.
Jersey Shore features eight Italian (Guidos and Guidettes) co-ed twenty-somethings from the Tri-State area, drinking their way through a summer in Seaside Heights, NJ. Our favorite so far has to be Snooki, the midget-train wreck who passed out from vodka shots about a half hour into the premiere. This show is magical.
Not sure what a Guido is? Here are the best examples from modern pop-culture we could think of without puking on our keyboards.
Xander Cage - The Superagent Guido
Sometimes the only person that can save the world is man who loves deep house and weightlifting. And sometimes he has to wear really awesome coats with furry collars. Xander Cage (Vin Diesel) knows how to fight insidious criminal organizations while still looking good. The sunglasses, bad tattooes, irresistible machismo and pearl white wife beater are all components of the complete guido superagent package.
Brucie Kibbutz - The Polygonal Guido
Like Vin Diesel, Brucie has a thing for fast cars and women. But unlike Vin Diesel, Brucie's got a totally banging webpage. Brucie's Executive Lifestyle is the ultimate blog for the on-the-go guido. Learn how to melt the cool demeanor of women and where to buy the best steroids. What doess Vin Diesel have? A couple videos on the web about playing D&D? Trust us, bro, dating advice from a former DM will never get you laid.
Christopher Moltisanti - The Killer Guido
Christopher Moltisanti lived every guido's dream - becoming a made man. Born and raised in the guido shangra-la of New Jersey, Christopher was more than just a mafia thug with eyebrows so bushy you could hide a body bag in 'em. Tony's Capo dabbled in screenwriting, aspiring to become the Mario Puzo of his day, that is until his Hollywood dreams started to hit too close to home. Moltisanti also branched out into the stock market, becoming a licensed broker in true guido fashion, by getting someone else to take the test for him. A bad heroin habit and a nasty temper often got the best of him, but even at his worst, no one rocked a FILA tracksuit better than Uncle Christopher.
Rocky - The Inspirational Guido
Being a guido comes with a lot of baggage, but every so often a rough, tough, gold-chain-wearing Italian guy can rise above it all...while still kicking the living crap out of people. Rocky Balboa took his guido heritage and channeled it in to his fights. Who else could mumble such gruff lines as "ya don't talk dirty 'bout yo sister!" or "nobody likes garbage!"? He may have been from South Philly, but there's no denying he lead his guido brethren to the promised land (Pat's Cheesesteaks). Ride on, Italian Stallion.
