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A Star Wars Tribute to Forgotten Heroes

Today we pay tribute to these often-forgotten heroes. Most people (well, most fans) only talk about Luke, Han, and Leia, but remember: Star Wars took place in a big universe. There's plenty to see, and christ, just a ton of characters to make fun of.


Today we pay tribute to these often-forgotten heroes. Most people (well, most fans) only talk about Luke, Han, and Leia, but remember: Star Wars took place in a big universe. There's plenty to see, and christ, just a ton of characters to make fun of.

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UGNAUGHTS

These fabled Ugnaughts delivered probably the only spit-take funny moment in the entire trilogy, albeit completely unintentionally. While it's true that you definitely expect the unexpected when watching a movie that boasts more aliens and monsters than even the most vivid acid-induced dreams, but there's simply no way to prepare for a bunch of little pigs in smocks walking around Cloud City in The Empire Strikes Back. Everytime I see them debut, I crack up. Their looks are only scratching the comedic surface though - how the hell did George pen these guys in? At what point did something in his crazy little head tell him that Lando not only needed a bald cyborg robot man, but also a horde of grey-clothed pigs whose jobs seem to be ripping apart droids and pushing various buttons in the carbonate chamber?

When I was a kid, I could never quite understand if these things were supposed to be heroes or villains. I didn't quite grasp the concept of victims of circumstance, or grey-area characters...and to be honest, even today I refuse to go that deep when thinking about f*cking Ugnaughts. On one hand, we saw them force Chewbacca to play Wookie-in-the-middle with C-3P0's head...but on the other hand, they were only doing their job. On one hand, they aided Vader in turning Han Solo into a sexy statue...but on the other hand, I don't imagine many 2.5' pigs being able to protest much to the Lord of the Sith. I don't think Vader could be swayed away from acting like such a vindictive cockface by a bunch of artsy pig midgets. I understand that we all love Han, but we can't expect the Ugnaughts to sacrifice themselves for a guy who'd probably make fun of them in passing.

Fate & Status: After the Empire renegged on their prior agreement with Lando Calrissian, it's likely that most of the Ugnaughts tried to get off the planet. Where they'd go and what they'd do, I have absolutely no idea. Theoretically they could masquerade as Jawas, but Ugnaughts are pretty unproven in the field of used Droid sales.

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