A Star Wars Tribute to Forgotten Heroes

In Return of the Jedi, we followed the good guys into the bowels of Jabba's palace on the quest to save Han Solo. Jabba might've been a successful spice smugglin' gangsta, but he wasn't without his share of personal problems. First off, he was attracted to humanoid females. Jabba shows no signs of having any genitals, and I'm not sure I even want to think about the consequences of him making lemonade out of his giant slimy tail. Secondly, he ate giant, live frogs. And finally, he hung out with the worst group of people in the entire universe. I don't know about you, but if I was Jabba, and I had all this money and power, I'd find a much better suitor than a dancing octopus girl and a better confidant than Bib Fortuna. But it goes much deeper than that, and Ree Yees might best represent the depth of Jabba's sh*tty group of friends.

According to Star Wars lore, Ree Yees was a bad apple who started fights with everyone. Well, of course he was a bad apple. Of course he was always angry. Look at him! Pig face, three eyes, and hands that look more like coal miners' gloves. Ree Yees wasn't going to find any votes of self-confidence in the mirror, so it's no real shock that he proved his dick size by beating the crap out of everyone. It's not like you can impress girls with poetry when you're this ugly. Ree Yees is just doing what he can.

Fate & Status: Ree Yees was aboard Jabba's sail barge when it appeared to blow up because the good guys got off of it. He never achieved his dream of finding love or a job description that met his rare talents of having oversized hands and the ability to fit his giant head through a shirt, but that's the price you pay if you wanna hang around the slug mafia.

NEXT: Ugnaughts >>