Holiday Gifts You'll Never Get

Every holiday season, television becomes overloaded with commercials for the Hess Truck. They are usually filled with disgustingly-cheerful children singing about the awesomeness of a gasoline tanker. It makes no sense. What would really get us singing is if the Nuka-Cola Truck—one of Fallout 3’s many sweet collectibles—was available for sale. With a slick paint job and a sleek design, these red, diecast beasts are more than just Rock-It Launcher ammunition. If only we didn’t have to trek the Mojave Wasteland to own one.

A parody of Mortal Kombat, Bonestorm was an ultraviolent fighting game featured on The Simpsons episode “Marge Be Not Proud.” After Bart watches the commercial for the game–which instructs him to “Tell [his] folks: Buy me Bonestorm or go to Hell”—Bart stops at nothing to get it. Marge, being the responsible parent that she is, flatly says no. Bart eventually resorts to shoplifting—getting caught and learning a valuable lesson in the process. Although we don’t agree with his methods (stealing is never okay, kids), we can relate to his desperation to own such an awesome looking game.

I know what you’re thinking: isn’t soap the gift you get your mother-in-law after you’ve completely run out of ideas? While that may be true about regular, less masculine soap, there’s no denying the cool factor of the Paper Street Soap Company’s line of products. Featured prominently in the cult-classic Fight Club, this soap represents anarchy, testosterone and free-thinking. Not only would it look great on your shelf, it would give you a lot to think about while taking a shower.

While It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia is filled with great fake products (Dick Towel anyone?), no ridiculous concoction is better than Kitten Mittens. Charlie Kelly opens his commercial for the product asking “Does your cat make too much noise? Try Kitten Mittens!” First off, cats barely make any noise when walking around so a product that silences their footsteps is essentially useless.  And second, yes, we would like to try Kitten Mittens. Who cares if they’re pointless? We’ll take style over practicability any day.