My review of Surf School got me thinking about another absolutely terrible movie about schools for sports called Frostbite (2005). Where Surf School was about losers riding boards on liquid water, Frostbite is about losers riding boards on frozen water. The differences are astounding.
For starters, Frostbite sounds like it was mostly improvised. Whereas Surf School cleverly crafted their awful jokes, Frostbite isn’t sure that they are jokes in the first place and botches the delivery every time. Neither of Frostbite’s two writers had written anything before, and neither has attempted to since. Also, I suspect both of them had been hit hard on the head at some point in their developing years.
The plot is a lot more serious than the goofy, ape-filled Surf School, due to the fact that no one in it can play comedy. A kid gets accepted to a prestigious snowboard academy (I’m sure they exist) but doesn’t fit in with the elitist d-bags who he’s training with. The d-bag drill instructor/coach hates him, but that’s ok since he’s mostly there to yell at the school’s five students and offers them no coaching at all whatsoever. Basically this school is a private snowboarding area where ex-military screams at you because you’re worthless.
The cast includes Smallville’s Martian Manhunter, Phil Morris, as a rambling old-timer who’s not important, and ex-pornstar-turned-actor-sorta Traci Lords. If this movie is any indication, Traci Lords is in trouble and is running low on money. There should be some kind of fund set up for her. None of the other cast members are important, and most of the movie is just snowboarding scenes. Oh, and none of the people on the DVD cover appear in the film.
