If you are anything like me, you like wasting time. Especially when you are supposed to be writing a paper, or getting paid to look busy at a desk. One of the finest, legal ways to waste time outside of the confines of your own home is to check out Cracked.com.
Visiting Cracked.com is like a daily trip to Lourdes for smart-alecky wisenheimers looking for comedy in the curious, 21st century form of strange lists with sharp writing and perfectly placed bizarre images.
But what about those times when you aren't at your computer? Well, today your call has been answered. Cracked.com has released You Might Be A Zombie (and Other Bad News) - a book collecting many of their classic lists, as well as twenty that have never been seen before. For those of you who don't know what a book is, think of it as a really inexpensive iPad that only goes to one website.
The new volume includes entries like:
Four Mythological Beasts That Actually Exist
Five Awesome Things You Didn't Know Could Make You Sick
and 5 Real Deleted Bible Scenes In Which Jesus Kicks Some Ass
We're particularly fond of this last one, which just went live, and features "this can't be real, can it?" moments like this:
Jesus Takes Pools of Water Very Seriously
Written in the early second century, around the
same time most scholars date the four Gospels in the Bible, the Infancy
Gospel of Thomas picks up the story a few years after the dragon
taming. Back in Nazareth now, five-year-old Jesus was playing beside a
small brook with some other children, forming pools of water to make
clay. (Fun had yet to be invented.) Jesus formed some sparrows out of
the clay and, since he was not the figurine-collecting type, decided to
give the sculptures life, and off they flew on his command. One of the
children playing with Jesus saw this and, rather than thinking, "Holy
shit! That kid can create life with a word -- I should probably not walk
up behind him and start splashing his pools with a stick," instead
walked up behind him and started splashing his pools with a stick. And
Christ just goes apeshit:
Above: An appropriate response.
"O evil, ungodly, and foolish one, what hurt did the pools and
the waters do thee? Behold, now also thou shalt be withered like a tree,
and shalt not bear leaves, neither root, nor fruit." And straightway
that lad withered up wholly.
-- Infancy Gospel of Thomas 3:2-3
It doesn't say that the Lamb of God took
trophies, but it's probably safe to assume.
And, like the Nazi archaeologist in Indiana Jones and the Last
Crusade, the boy started aging rapidly and withered away. Sure, it
would've been easier just to kill the kid, but this is Jesus Christ
we're talking about here. He's not just gonna up and waste some kid.
Click here for more of Brian Thompson's article on Cracked.com.
