How To Survive A Slasher Film

After being chased for twenty minutes, you slam your masked pursuer on the noggin with a big log, or maybe a bunch of hay bails fall on him. Maybe he fell off the roof. It doesn't matter. Regardless of how dead he looks, you need to go finish the job, or he'll be back.

So grab an ax and chop him up. Start with the legs. If he does manage to return, he won't get far if he's missing a foot. Do his arms next. Now he can only bite you to death.

This tactic saves your neck, but it also ensures that when the killer returns in later movies he'll be pretty much harmless. Instead of getting killed, everyone can have a good time roasting marshmallows off his back and using his face as a slowly moving dartboard.

Not to sound like a spokesperson for the NRA, but if you find yourself in a horror film, you need a gun. Slasher villains don't often come up against guns because they typically hunt teenagers who don't yet know the harsh realities of the world. When they do get shot, however, it tends to stop them in their tracks. They may get up again, but you've won yourself a wonderful head start. If you really want to improve your chances, shoot them in the knees.

Of course, one never knows when they're about to enter a slasher film, so you're just going to have to carry a gun at all times, just in case. If that's too much for you, survival just isn't your priority, and your slasher film survival chances will reflect that.

Slasher maniacs are nothing without their masks. It's their mojo. It's their shield. It's their identity. Pseudo-psychologically speaking, if the kitchen knife if the killer's penis, the mask is his soul. As such, it's presents a rare vulnerability. If you want to live through the night, you'd do well to take advantage of it.

Do whatever you can to get close, even if it puts you in imminent danger. Take that sucker off and run. It will take the killer a moment to recover and come after you. In that time, you've got to destroy it somehow. Rip it up, burn it, feed it to the dog, whatever.

You're not out of danger yet, but you're dealing with half the maniac you were, and that may give you the edge you need to survive.

Tough guys in horror films are a great asset, and if you find one, there's a good chance you'll survive. Make no mistakes, however. This tough guy can't be your boyfriend. For one, your boyfriend's not really a tough guy. And for two, your boyfriend is dead.

Your tough guy can be some blue-collar nobody, but the best tough guys are hunter types who already have a beef with the killer. His job is to teach you something vital about your enemy and then sacrifice himself so you can get away or set up some kind of trap. In other words, your tough guy is there to save your neck with his own, so don't get too attached if you want to survive a slasher film.